An anger management tool

Hi Guy,

Yes, you have some valid insights into Anger, that it is mostly self-destructive. But that makes me curious about yourself. How is it that you have become something of an Anti-Anger Crusader? You must have some strong motivations. What are they?

angerhaterguy wrote:i need your opinions on this matter. what to include or exclude?

Include, "this message is anonymous, because while I perceive that you have an issue of anger, I am the one that lacks the coping skills in life that are necessary to allow me to manage conflicts. This app allows me to continue to avoid developing these skills."

there is no need for condemnation of anger itself

There are moments to be angry : when something goes wrong : and we want to do something about it but we should try to keep it reasonable

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:

angerhaterguy wrote:i need your opinions on this matter. what to include or exclude?

Include, "this message is anonymous, because while I perceive that you have an issue of anger, I am the one that lacks the coping skills in life that are necessary to allow me to manage conflicts. This app allows me to continue to avoid developing these skills."

To Everybody, though it is Richard's Thoughts that got me thinking....


Oh! I thought the guy was being 'Metaphorical'... that he was just 'kidding' , that he wasn't SERIOUSLY thinking of creating a "FLAMING ARROW APP" but I guess that is what he IS planning to do.

Back in the 20th Century you would just Key Whip it on his Car or Sugar his Gas Tank. Maybe write a note and wrap it around a brick in it and toss it through his window. Of course we NEVER actually DID any of that stuff. We would talk about it.

But, really, Confronting Angry People is NOT the solution for Angry People. Most Angry People DO NOT seek help even after they know they have a problem. and many who do seek help don't put enough energy into it to actually benefit. and those who DO put enough energy into it, well, change takes a long time. So if you have a problem with an Angry Person, Professionally, Socially, or in a Relationship, probably the best move is to have the Angry Person fired, banished, cut -- deal with him or her the way you would deal with a bad quart of milk -- get rid of him or her.

But if it is a Boss then you have a real problem. If only it were as easy for an Employee to fire a Boss as for the Boss to fire the Employee, but its not. Its all still kind of like the Master Slave Dynamic. and it is likely that your Boss's Bosses do not see the Problem. Bosses are usually Two Faced. they show One Face to their own Superiors which is fawning and obsequious, but they reserve the angry vituperative Face for their underlings. So I can't think of any other way but by being anonymous that you can deal with the Problem of an Unmanageable Boss except with an Honest Letter of Resignation, and even that could screw up your chances of getting good Job References (New Bosses often call Old Bosses and Bosses can be as Thick as Thieves with each other). But if you go over your Boss's head, anonymously or not, the Upper Level's of Management will likely be irked that your Boss can't 'manage' to keep the peace and seems to be fomenting mutiny in his Department. the Problem with that is you might only scuttle your Boss's chance for Promotion, and so he will likely be your boss Forever. More people have been saved from Bad Bosses by 'Kicking them Upstairs" than by Firings.

Oh, and there is how These Things used to be handled. Nowadays we have comic books about Caped Crusaders and such. You know, that is simply a euphemistic glorification for how the Mob used to work. For instance, if some Tyrant on the Factory Floor was making the lives of all the workers miserable, the workers would put together a fund and go out and contract for Mob Enforcers (no more expensive than hiring a lawyer or paying Union Dues for the rest of your life) to come in and take aside the Boss and give him a stern warning and perhaps only throw him halfway down the stairs "the first time". Yes, instead of wearing Capes, the Mobsters where black suits and Sunglasses, but the Impression is unmistakably the same. You see, the Cops can only protect us in regards to the Law, but there is no Law against being an Angry Obnoxious Person. and so the People have to do what they have to do. Unfortunately in this Modern Day and Age, the Movie and TV Medias and Government Propaganda have more or less successfully demonized the Mob. People forget just how much good the Mob used to be able to do. (its been noted in America that the Nicest Urban Neighborhoods are the most "Mobbed Up"... that the Mob maintains 'Law and Order' and everything else, much better than the Official Municipal Police).

Anyway, avoid what Angry People you can, but if Financial Necessity puts you under their Power, well, I guess that puts the burden on you and you really just have to learn how to be submissive and take it. Here, you can try this Affirmation: "it is only a job", "it is only a job", "it is only a job"...

Hi. I think it's very hard to control yourself when you're angry. I don't know if reading a positive message can urge you to control your anger, or make you less angry.
Unlike depression, where you start feeling a little better for a few hours after watching a motivational video, anger is different.
But if the APP can show some funny videos when the person is angry, that can have some impact on the anger.

Full control can only be achieved by meditation. Meditation is a powerful tool.

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Guy,

Yes, you have some valid insights into Anger, that it is mostly self-destructive. But that makes me curious about yourself. How is it that you have become something of an Anti-Anger Crusader? You must have some strong motivations. What are they?

wow. what a great forum with so many useful people here. so my motive is the following: as the result of 9 year of extensive teaching (i was a teacher) i got anger related problem. and as a result i got angry at people so often. but i saw that anything said with anger doesn't have any good margin. you both hurt yourself and the one who you get angry.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:

angerhaterguy wrote:i need your opinions on this matter. what to include or exclude?

Include, "this message is anonymous, because while I perceive that you have an issue of anger, I am the one that lacks the coping skills in life that are necessary to allow me to manage conflicts. This app allows me to continue to avoid developing these skills."

wow, super start thanks to take your time to write here

KyCoo wrote:Hi. I think it's very hard to control yourself when you're angry. I don't know if reading a positive message can urge you to control your anger, or make you less angry.
Unlike depression, where you start feeling a little better for a few hours after watching a motivational video, anger is different.
But if the APP can show some funny videos when the person is angry, that can have some impact on the anger.

Full control can only be achieved by meditation. Meditation is a powerful tool.

you made a good point by including funny related videos. and maybe i have forgotten to add, the app will allow the sender to choose from 10s of meditation tips to send them.

angerhaterguy wrote:Hi there, let's assume there is an app or a tool that anonymously sends [your angry boss/friends/relatives] [this kind of] message:

I'm not sure on the anonymous part—is that possible? What prevents the receiver form blocking further messages, or is the message a one-time shot and you better get it right the first time?

one time shot

KyCoo wrote:Hi. I think it's very hard to control yourself when you're angry. I don't know if reading a positive message can urge you to control your anger, or make you less angry.
Unlike depression, where you start feeling a little better for a few hours after watching a motivational video, anger is different.
But if the APP can show some funny videos when the person is angry, that can have some impact on the anger.

Full control can only be achieved by meditation. Meditation is a powerful tool.

Dear KyCoo,

It is a difficult task figuring out how to make an Angry Person feel better. A 'Funny' Message may seem to either trivialize their feelings or even to be in the vain of ridicule. And often people who have acted out with Anger feel embarrassed about it, and reminding them about that, even to tell them that they were perfectly right to get so mad, may simply aggravate them into thinking that you must be just as bad as themselves. And then there are the people who Believe in their Anger. Such people read Assertiveness Training Books like they are the Bible because, well, assertiveness is their euphemism for Anger. Indeed, I often think that the whole Assertiveness Movement was about making Angry People feel good about themselves. So, trying to make Assertively Angry people feel better will just reinforce them, though if it is the boss we are speaking about, it would be a Great Way to Brown Nose and Suck Up. Hey, it IS just a Job and I really should not be judgmental about how people maneuver in the Workplace in order to survive from day to day. Then again, it would be Nice if the Workers could stick together in a Pact of Dignity where everyone tacitly agrees to maintain a uniform Dignity and Distance in regards to the Bosses where nobody will suck up to the boss or allow the boss to take sexual liberties in exchange for preferential assignments. But most Cultures favor the Suck Ups. Society seems to offer Rich Rewards for Workers who surrender every shred of self respect for the favor of the bosses, and at the same time they experience no offsetting Social Retributions. Only if Workers En Mass effectively REFUSE to work with the Sell Outs, Suck-ups, and Sleep-to-the-Tops can we ever have a workplace where one doesn't feel pressure to grovel before the Boss just like everyone else.

Oh, and just think how I must feel as a Father of a Daughter knowing that women are getting away with Sleeping with the Bosses to get all the available promotions? What kind of World am I sending my Daughter off into!?


there is another Danger in regards to a Flaming Arrow App. A lot of Angry Bosses already have, or believe they have Enemies in their employ. So when they get an anonymous Flaming Arrow on their phone, who do you think they are going to blame? Some meek and mild employee might have sent the Flaming Arrow, but it will be the employee that has been quarreling with the boss over procedures and policies who will get all of the Resentment. the Flaming Arrow Sender could actually get his or her fellow employees fired -- once a Boss targets somebody for Dismissal, it isn't that difficult to stress out that employee into doing something or anything that can be construed to violate at least one Role from those Long List of Rules that every Company now issues. And remember, no one gets a Fair Trial at Work. The Boss is the Judge and he gets to interpret the rules anyway he wants. Words mean whatever he wants them to mean.

But maybe I am focusing too much on Work Place 'Boss' anger. If it is just an Ordinary Person who is angry, and you really care, well, a Flaming Arrow App is just stupidly gratuitous... even insulting. You should mind your own Business if that is all you can do. If you really care, then get Him or Her a bouquet of flowers... they don't have to be expensive, but costly enough to show that you are not just making an empty gesture, and write on the card "I know how you feel. If you need to talk..." that would be lovely and even when I was at my Angriest I don't know how I possibly could not have been softened by something like that. Well, flowers from a Guy might have been a bit disconcerting. Sometimes you have to invite Guys out for a "Happy Hour" beer... It is a gesture big enough to be meaningful without being too overwhelming. A beer and a 20 minute talk while you eat a bowl of chips, and the guy might be open to acquiring a new perspective on his anger.

we should all thank Leo Volont for his taking time and energy into this matter.

angerhaterguy wrote:we should all thank Leo Volont for his taking time and energy into this matter.

Maybe you can send him an anonymous "Thank You."

Oh, Kycoo, I forgot that I wanted to comment about your suggestion about meditation.

Well, Meditation only works while you are meditating. I used to Meditate and I used to be Angry, and I never found that Meditating in the morning kept me from snapping in the Afternoon or visa versa.

Perhaps you were thinking about Mindfulness. In Anger Management Therapy, which nowadays follows some form of Cognitive Behavioral Methodology, the patient is encouraged to be very mindful of both his or her Actions and his or her Thought Patterns in order to catch bad habits and conditionings. the idea is to Review and Revise one's thinking and behavior to be the Person we wish to be. This Mindfulness takes practice, but eventually it becomes a Second Nature. Such Purpose Driven Mindfulness is probably a great deal more effective than chanting mantras and staring at the tip of your nose for a half an hour a day (the most grinding and boring and probably the most wasted half an hour of your day). anyone who presently meditates for an hour a day has an hour a day they could be learning how to play the Violin, and then after a few years they would have something to show for all that time. Besides, music can be a lot of fun. But meditations stays boring.

Also, I think that people who Meditate really ought to know the Truth about It and its origins. You see, Meditation was developed by the Monasteries of the East and West for a deliberate purpose which isn't what everyone thinks it is. The fact is that in both East and West most Monasteries weren't constructed and funded for Religious Enthusiasts, no, not at all. They were built as Orphanages. Well, WHAT is your usual Orphan? Traditionally, when a girl from a good family was careless socially and became pregnant, the family would hide the fact, and the girl would be sent off for a few months to visit some distant relative, or that is what would be said, and when the baby came along, if it wasn't just tossed in a stream, it would be placed in a Monastery along with an Endowment to cover the expenses of the Orphan for the rest of its Life. Well, often these Endowments were not all that rich. The reason why Poverty is Glorified by many Monastic Orders was that it was very self serving to make a Virtue out of a Necessity. Likewise, what was there to DO with all these Orphans, both child and Adult? One could work them in the fields, but that has its limits and that would still leave hours of day and night to fill. So you would spend their time with Scheduled Prayer Hours and then you could teach them to just Sit Down and Shut Up and Don't Bother Us, which came to be called MEDITATION.

Oh, there's an idea for Parents. You don't have to tell your children to Sit Down, Shut Up and Stop Bothering Me. You can ask them to Meditate, which sounds so much nicer but which is basically the same thing.