Do I have angry management or angry issues?

nataly87 wrote:As far back as I can remember, I have always had this attitude problem, always thinking negative, and giving attitude, with "whatever" "I don't care" "thats your problem" "who cares" etc. Me yelling, screaming, put downs, name calling, to my loved and cared for one's in my life.

It has gotten so bad, that all I do is cry every single day, if not every hour, because of how badly I hate myself and how I hate the way I am. I am trying to work on my attitude and negativity but yet it keeps happening, again and again.

I just really hate being who I am and want to be happy go lucky and not have this attitude problem ever again.

Hi Nataly,

Welcome to the Forum. And, yes, you do have an Anger Problem. But, truthfully speaking, almost everybody has an Anger Problem. You see, Angry Behavior is driven by Stress, and most people nowadays encounter a lot of stress. If Families incorporated Anger Management Awareness in the way they socialized their Children, there would be far less Anger in the World, but most Families think that Anger is Natural and Unavoidable. The Schools could help, but the Schools are doing the best they can with smaller and smaller budgets, and so only the most essential academic subjects are being taught. So, in the end, what it comes down to is that Anger is a very chronic social problem almost everywhere.

But it is good you noticed it in yourself. There is a lot you can do about it. Most of your Anger derives from just habit – the way you are used to Speaking and Acting, and even Thinking. Most modern Therapy Regiments rely on some form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. This kind of Therapy is very well suited to Anger. Patients are instructed to watch both their Thinking Processes (the internal dialogue that goes on in the head), and their Behavior. And if it isn’t Good, then Change It. Well, it does take a lot of practice, a lot of work, a lot of commitment. Especially with what you Think. You might think that you can’t control what you think, but, remember, they call it internal DIALOGUE for a reason. You CAN talk back to yourself. You CAN disagree with something you are thinking, and you can have a good discussion with yourself… in your head, of course… if you spoke to yourself out loud, people might think you were crazy… or crazier than you really are. So, over time you can correct a lot of your Bad Attitude thoughts.

Bad behaviors can be changed in the same way. If certain forms of speech or action causes you problems, then stop speaking and acting that way. Yes, it takes practice.

Personally, I think the biggest and most important change that an Angry Person can make in his or her life is to stop Swearing – stop using swear words… and not even use them in one’s Thinking. I tend to believe that Angry Behavior is a kind of a Process, and Swearing is an Integral Part of that Process. Also it is Good Practice. After a few Months and you realize that, while you may still be Angry at times, but that you No Longer Cuss or Swear, well, you will Realize that you have the Power to Control yourself, and that Perfection is just a matter of time.

Oh, in a recent post I discussed Impulsive Anger. You should read all these recent posts and then some. Real good stuff, but you can’t say it all over again every time somebody new writes in. But, in short, when under Stress, adrenaline kicks in, and kicks in Very Fast – you have less than 2 Seconds to exert Control over Yourself or, without much Anger Management Training, you will be well on the way to having one of your full blown Anger Episodes. So, you need to learn what Adrenaline Feels like, especially the first inset… the first Second, where you have a chance to shut it down with just Will Power. You can stab yourself with a pin, but often just the thought of stabbing yourself with a pin gives you a bit of an Adrenaline Rush. You need to learn your first noticeable physiological reaction to Adrenaline. Some people clinch their fists. With Me, I clench my jaw. So as soon as I feel my Jaw clench, like when one of my Kitty Cats is naughty, I immediately Un-Clench and Relax. When Adrenaline hits, DON’T DO or SAY ANYTHING, until you are Absolutely Sure you are Clear of its Exciting Influence.

Oh, and I never end one of these first replies without suggesting you go on line and read all the Reviews for the various Anger Management Books and get a few Anger Management Books that you think you might like. and read a bit of them Every Day. Yes, Today, you are all consumed in this Idea that You are Angry and you need to do something about it. But that does not happen Every Day, does it. Most people with Anger Problems, when life is Low Stress, can go weeks, or even Months without Blowing Up. These People are lulled by the Period of Peace into thinking that they don’t have a Problem, or then just forget that they have a Problem. But, if you Know you are an Angry Person, you need to Read from your Anger Management Books once a day – and think about what you read, and remember to do some practices and exercises…. Whatever.

Oh, please forgive me for not editing this better, but my back is killing me. Good night. Good luck.

Well where do I even start? This is all very confusing and hard for me to understand.

nataly87 wrote:Well where do I even start? This is all very confusing and hard for me to understand.

Dear Nataly,

Oh, wonderful, good... you want to start... that's splendid.

Well, start with some books. If you live in a civilized country, close to a nice urban area, or even a well stocked suburban area, find yourself a Book Store, and in the Psychology or Self Help Sections you will find the Anger Management Books. Since Bookstores do not have Reviews, you will have to take your time and carefully look over the books you have to choose from. Remember, the difference between Reading It or Not may depend entirely on your choice of Book. It has to appeal to you on some level or you might wind up hating it. and there ARE Anger Management Books out there that beg to be hated .... the books that are not written by Anger Management Professionals, but Profit Driven books written by some Silly sort of New Age People who are just trying to milk a new niche ... such people have usually written a dozen silly books about anything they think will help them make their next mortgage payment. So read enough of the book, right there in the store, to make sure the Author is not some silly Rip Off Artist. Usually you can trust books written by psychologists. But maybe the On Line Retailers have put all the Brick and Mortar Bookstores out of business. if such is the case, then order a book on line. Read the Reviews. you will probably see a few of mine, if you look hard enough.

Oh, there are really cheap pamphlet size books for sale. some such books may offer some sketchy introduction to Anger Management, but this is not the time to think about Saving Money. You want good professional books. and you will want more than one, eventually. Over the next few years you really should read Every anger management book out there, except the ones that have obviously rotten reviews. But every Good Anger Management Book is different, in some significant way, from all the other books -- different techniques or different explanations, and different stories, but it will be the New Stuff that will make you Think about your Anger and how to address it... how to fix it.

if you need to wait for a book to arrive, and you need something concrete to do so that you feel like you are doing something and not wasting precious time. Well, work on not Saying and not even Thinking any swear words. Probably your Internal Dialogue -- the thinking that goes on in your Head -- is full of swear words. Well, clean all of that up.

If you need something else to do, then figure out somehow how you reach to Adrenaline. You know, some people actually thrive on Adrenaline. People who are good Test Takers and good Public Speakers do well with their Adrenaline Rushes. But even these people, if taken by surprise by an Adrenaline Rush, let's say by a sudden Insult from a co-worker, might flip out and go ballistic before they can 'catch themselves'. So you need to be able to Catch an Adrenaline Rush in its first second -- the only chance of shutting down an Adrenaline Rush to catch it before it really has time to Start. As I said before, you can actually stab yourself with a pin, but often just holding the pin and getting ready to stab yourself is enough to release adrenaline. Oh, but be careful with releasing Adrenaline. some people get addicted to their Adrenaline Rushes. People who Cut Themselves must like the feeling, and of course people who like picking fights or always instigating situations of High Drama (Drama Queens) -- these people are 'in it for the rush', so to speak. So, don't get addicted to it, but figure out how you react to adrenaline, at the Very Instant that the Rush begins, and then LEARN how to Shut it Down. they used to call it Bio-Feedback... but its really just using Raw Will Power. As I said about myself... in the first Millisecond of one of my Adrenaline Rushes, I clench my jaw muscles, and then I Instantly Jump Into Full Shut Down Mood. It is difficult to explain. I think everyone just needs to learn this and experience it on their own in their own unique way.

Let me know if any of this was helpful. Good luck. keep in touch.

I don't understand what you mean by adrenaline rush, like what that moment I feel like I want to scream and shout I should stab myself to prevent myself from screaming and shouting or what?

And I have a ton of books of other subjects I have not even read, so why am I going to bother with buying more books I know I won't read?

nataly,

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's a horrible feeling when you feel like you're a horrible person.

I think oftentimes attitude and anger problems stem from holding onto something. Holding onto fear or pain and not wanting to let go. I don't know for sure (I would need to know more information), but I feel like this may be the case with you. You are holding onto something and you don't want to let go because letting go means that you have to re-define how you see yourself.

If I had to take guess, if you have a strong attitude problem and you treat loved ones horribly, then it's likely due to some kind of abuse in the past. You didn't receive healthy love growing up and this lack of healthy love has made you feel angry at the world.

The issue with the attitude is that it is a burden. It weighs you down. That's why you cry everyday. It feels heavy on you. But you don't know how to let it go. It feels like such a part of you that you have no idea how to let it go. The best you can do is wish and hope that it can go away.

I think something that will help you in letting go of your pain is to take responsibility for it. To make yourself - and no one else - accountable for how you feel.

When I say take responsibility, I don't mean take blame. I don't mean that you should blame yourself for your pain and anger. That will only allow you to wallow in self-pity. What I mean is that you need to embrace the fact that this is YOUR problem to solve and no one else's. No one else can take the task of taking your pain away. You are the only person to do it. Sure, others can help you feel better about yourself, but they cannot take the pain away. You have to do it, and you have to do it by yourself.

Once you have taken responsibility for it, then the rest becomes a lot easier.

How can one control anger?

nataly87 wrote:I don't understand what you mean by adrenaline rush, like what that moment I feel like I want to scream and shout I should stab myself to prevent myself from screaming and shouting or what?

And I have a ton of books of other subjects I have not even read, so why am I going to bother with buying more books I know I won't read?

Okay, Nataly, but from my viewpoint it seems like both you and your attitude are sort of verging on hopeless.

good luck with that.

Leo,

I understand that nataly's response was not what you were hoping for, but I think giving a discouraging comment to another member who is genuinely asking for help is not helpful. Such comments are unnecessary and only serve to push people away from the forum.

betawarrior wrote:Leo,

I understand that nataly's response was not what you were hoping for, but I think giving a discouraging comment to another member who is genuinely asking for help is not helpful. Such comments are unnecessary and only serve to push people away from the forum.

Dear Beta,

Yes, I understand what you are saying.

But did she not tell us that she was sitting on a pile of books that would help her, but she never feels like reading, and telling her to read books would be useless advice. and she seems a bit annoyed with me for even suggesting such bothersome advice. I suppose she wants us to wave a magic wand in her direction.

And I was not really that mean, was I. What in fact did I say? I said that she 'seemed hopeless' and I wished her luck.

Now look at what I had written her before that. Can you guess how much time it took me to write all that. then you can think about whether I was able to fall right to sleep afterward, or Her problem may have kept me awake.

then for her to come back and say she does not want any help that might require some effort on her part. I think my response was very well contained.

and about her feeling pushed away from the Forum. Well, I am not the only Helper here. Someone else may wish to Write her all the Books, here, that she refuses to read on her own. It seem that you are Volunteering for that Job. well, God Bless You. You are a nice person. You are probably a better person than me, by far. As soon as she gave me Attitude, I was through with her. I wish you luck.

Well I don't really know the source of my problem, and yeah telling me I am hopeless really made my feel GREAT about myself, and you just made matters worse for me, making me feel a lot worse.

nataly87 wrote:Well I don't really know the source of my problem, and yeah telling me I am hopeless really made my feel GREAT about myself, and you just made matters worse for me, making me feel a lot worse.

Hi Nataly,

As they say, "this isn't my first Rodeo". I've seen people who have succeeded, STARTING here, in largely solving their Anger Problems. After a while one gets a feel for the ones that will be Successful... their positive tone and the Will Power they project... their Willingness to Do whatever it takes.... Well, you just Know that they will be Successful.

But you tell me that you already have a lot of books... I think you even said that they are the kind of books that might help you directly with your problem, BUT the books just sit there. I think you were complaining that the Books Do Not Read Themselves.

Now, some of the really good Helpers on this Forum recommend Therapy. when someone I am helping suggests he or she should go to Therapy, I certainly never argue against it. But, therapy has a beginning and an end. For a while after Therapy one may be effectively Cured.... but time moves on and the old habit of thought and behavior may begin to sneak back. the Best Effective Way to Maintain the Results of Therapy is to pick up the Anger Management Books and continue with a kind of Self Help Therapy. THAT, is the core of the Advice I give to people. Yes, I have a million stories to tell and sometimes I may suggest a good Technique, that I read about in one of the books, but I am the Most Useful Around Here if I can make somebody go out and get a books and read it.

Considering all that, well, you really DO present, to me anyway, as Hopeless. Does it make you feel bad. Well, I should hope so. Somebody, I think, needs to get across to you that you are simply not Applying Enough Willpower and Self Discipline in your Life. Its a fact of life, or a fact of Society... that there are people Competent and take Responsibility and who are therefore Successful at Doing Things. and then there are the chronic failures. You honestly did not think you are one of the Successful Ones, did you? Not until you Take Charge of your Life, lose the Laziness and stop flashing your Attitude at people.

But you wish I were sorry that I hurt your feelings and that I had compassion for you. No. there are 7 Billion People in the World, and a whole lot of Dogs and Cats. and from what I have experienced from you, most of Them are in Line for my Compassion way ahead of you. But that is My Judgment Call.

Maybe you can find a Helper her who will feel sorry for you and help you step by step. I thought of that, but the Approach is basically Reactive, that is, whenever you get yourself in trouble, you write in and get some momentary advice. But it is Always After the Fact. It won't help with Next Time. and if you won't read books, well, there is no talking you into doing exercises... if you won't read... I don't think wild horses would make you write.

Oh, but may you are one of the YouTube Generation. Maybe you can find some Youtube Videos of people droning on and on about anger management. you may prefer that format. I hate that kind of video, though, ... with books you can re-read a paragraph a few times to make sure you really comprehend the Idea... but with videos, re-winding is a large pain in the butt.

Again, I hope you find somebody who is willing to take all the time it takes to try to help you.

Well thanks for nothing bitch.

lololol. nataly you're so winsome. hehe.

it's funny. you come and present this attitude problem. and ask can i have some help with my attitude problem. but then your attitude problem interferes with fixing your attitude problem. because you attack everyone who tries to help & turn them against you.

haha life is funny can't you see how funny this is?

probably there is someone with the opposite state where they can't help but turn everyone onto their side. even their enemies. people can't help but love them.

umm... anyways. what sort of help are you looking for?

a book to read? some suggestions of actions to do? in what direction would you prefer these conversations go towards your benefit?

I want to know how can I control OR get rid of altogether my attitude and angry issues and problems.