need for appreciation

Look at your other thread about your brother and wanting to change him. Stop focusing on others and what they are thinking. You are only being a perfectionist not because you are a perfectionist, but rather based on how you want others to see you.

As for people judging you, that is life. We all judge. You judge your brother. Being judged is not the problem, it is how you handle it that matters.

so how do i handle people judging me? could you help me in this? ex- when some people criticize me or insult me? a thought comes in my mind- they are criticizing me so there must be a reason behind it.i must have done something wrong. then i start searching for evidence. sometimes i get it and some times i dont .
frankly speaking i dont want to become a egoistic prick who doesnt see any wrong in him.so thats why i always critically analyze my mistakes but that leads to lowering my self esteem and getting hurt by other people.

lenvilono wrote:so how do i handle people judging me? could you help me in this? ex- when some people criticize me or insult me? a thought comes in my mind- they are criticizing me so there must be a reason behind it.i must have done something wrong. then i start searching for evidence. sometimes i get it and some times i dont .
frankly speaking i dont want to become a egoistic prick who doesnt see any wrong in him.so thats why i always critically analyze my mistakes but that leads to lowering my self esteem and getting hurt by other people.

It sounds like you are an HSP - a highly sensitive person. Being sensitive to criticism is not bad - we are all sensitive to how we think others see us, especially people we're close to. The problem I am seeing with you is that you are extremely self-absorbed. You are constantly worried about yourself - how you look, how people think of you, etc. "I don't want to seem egotistical," "I don't want to be judged."

Because you are so focused on yourself - even in a critical way - you are completely ignoring other people's feelings and

The solution to this is to turn your attention outward, towards other people. Stop focusing on yourself and starting observing other people. One exercise that I like to do is to sit down in a place where there are people (a park bench, a fast food restaurant, a coffee shop) and just watch them. I imagine what they are like. I try to guess what occupation they may have. I observe what books they are reading or what they are wearing. I try to eavesdrop on conversations they are having.

This exercise helps get me out of my head. Being introverted, I find that I can often stay in my head a lot. It's good every so often to just get out of my head and focus on other people.

lenvilono wrote: in my mind- they are criticizing me so there must be a reason behind it.i must have done something wrong.

This is where you start.

Just because a person judges you or criticizes doesn't mean you did anything wrong. People have differences in opinions. If you paint a piece of art, do you think everyone will love their art? Of course not. Does that mean the art is bad or they did something wrong? No.

Here is a simple thing. Go to YouTube. How many videos that have over 1000 views have 0 thumbs down? Can you find one? Because a video with thousands of views has some thumbs down, does it mean the creator is bad, that they did something wrong? No.

When you learn that no matter what you do or say people will criticize and judge, then being criticized or judged is not a big deal. It is normal. In fact, if you are doing anything with your life of any value, then you will be criticized by many...in fact, people will not like you.

thanx richard for your reply. i think i will work on my sensitivity to criticism too.

One excellent way to view criticism is to simply understand it is feedback. Feedback is information. No need to take it personally. Just absorb the information others are sending you and work on what you think you can improve on. You will learn to distinguish between genuine feedback when someone truly wants you to make progress, and the type of criticism that is uttered simply to belittle you.
You can surround yourself with people who have meaningful goals in their lives and learn from these people. See how they achieve their goals and how they handle feedback. With feedback, 95% of the time there's nothing personal against you. It is simply information. Make sense of that information, learn, and move forward with your life.

lenvilono wrote:i believe i crave appreciation and acceptance from other people.maybe it is due to my perfectionism i am a people pleaser. i am also hyper sensitive to criticism or insults. i have observed myself that at time i unconsciously try to be nice to people so that i can get very nice responese from them or i will behave in such a way that i would be saved from criticism or insults. two examples i will give here-
1.i went to meet my cousin sister.so i wanted her to greet me very nicely, talk to me , praise me etc. but i didnt't get that response so i felt disapponted.was i expecting too much ( perfectionism) here.

2.my therapist greeted me with a very nice smile and thank you last week . but today she didnt't do such things today although i talked to her in a very nice way. i felt disappointed and started thinking is she judging me.

so guys could you please tell me what i should do to stop such behaviour and feelings

Hi Lenvilono,

First, you crave appreciation and acceptance.... because you never received it from the 2 people who should have given it to you.

Parents should give her children the necessary love, attention, couragement and appreciation.
What happens when a child is grown up without this, it will start to earn it.
You will adapt yourself in such a way that you know that there is a change to get that appreciation. Just because you need it so badly as a child. There is a small change that you will get it from your parents by adapting yourself.
If they can't give it to you, they just cant give it to you. How much you ask and please for it..
But... in the way you adapt yourself, you are loosing your true self bit by bit.

What also happens is that you try to earn this appreciation by the things you do.
Normally you do something, and when you said it is oke, than you finish it.
But because of that underlaying problems, you start to do it as good as you can.
Somewhere inside there is that feeling: Maybe if I do it as good as I can, they will be happy with me.
Developing this pattern is called perfectionism. Trying to do things as good as you can, but the problem is that you want some love and appreciation.

It's no surprise that you develop a sensitivity for criticism. Because of your perfectionism, you are asking for positive attention all the time. That is why you have this behavior. When people have some criticism in stead, you are hurt and disappointed. This makes you react in a negative way, what can cause that you reject people in stead of build the relationship.

So from my point of view, your behavior of people pleasing, perfectionism, crave for appreciation and acceptance are not your problem. They are symptoms of the problem. You have to face the root problem that is inside.

You have to find a way to fill this inner gap with love, acceptance and encouragement.
So that you will love and accept yourself. I mean your true self. Not your adapted version of yourself.

If you love and accept yourself, you won't need it from others any longer. You won't need to please (= adapting yourself) any longer. You won't do things "perfect" but you will learn that enough is enough.

And if you start loving and accepting yourself, you will start love and accept others.
If you know who you are, you won't be sensitive for criticism any longer because you don't take it personally any longer.
Criticism is always telling something about what you do, but not telling something about who you are.
You have to learn to make that distinction.

I truly hope that this gives you some insights about what's going on in your life.
And more do I hope that you find a way to love and accept yourself. That you will meet others who do love you as you are.