Rebuilding self-esteem

Building self-esteem follows a formula that can be learned. In psychological terms the body of research is called "self-regulation" and the formula involves a term called "scaffolding."

Basically when trying to perform tasks that are too easy or too hard it impacts self esteem. Instead, you want to scaffold your tasks/goals to provide increasing levels of difficulty in a structured way that helps build confidence. We can use the simple goal of learning to play chess.

If you start by taking on an unempathetic grand master you will eventually end up with low self esteem. Getting pounded game after game makes you feel stupid and of course if they call you stupid on top of you losing it doesn't help. On the other hand, if you only play against 7 year olds, you might have decent self esteem for some time and be overconfident in your chess playing. If you never take on a tougher opponent your self esteem will eventually come crashing down as the 7 year olds gain in skill and eventually overtake you. Or you eventually attend chess camp and learn you were a big fish swimming in a small pound, giving you an exaggerated sense of accomplishment.

Both too easy or too tough is not what you want.

Instead, what are your current goals in life? What tasks are associated with these goals and are you accurately gauging your ability to achieve success? Are you setting the right level of challenge? Or are you setting goals that are too low or too high?

It is a skill. Something you can practice. Once you get in the right channel, scaffolding your tasks/goals correctly your self esteem will begin to build.

Start off slow and build up. You cannot go from 0 to 100 in a day. Self-confidence is a deep seated belief. It a simple thing to achieve, but it doesn't mean it's easy.

Start off with one area you want to improve. Focus on that and put the rest on a shelf. What's the most important area in your life at the moment?

I would suggest to start off with something extremely achievable, but something that will have an impact.

If you're not sure where to begin and If you're not doing it already, achieving a level of fitness can be a thing to start with. It will boost your feel-good biochemistry, will help you gain clarity, give you a sense of achievement and pride and plenty of other mental health benefits. Apart from anything else, on a very shallow yet important level - regular training sessions will make you more physically fit and attractive which in turn will make you feel better about yourself.

Fitness is always a good place to start with in my opinion.

WonderGurl wrote:Start off slow and build up. You cannot go from 0 to 100 in a day. Self-confidence is a deep seated belief. It a simple thing to achieve, but it doesn't mean it's easy.

Start off with one area you want to improve. Focus on that and put the rest on a shelf. What's the most important area in your life at the moment?

I would suggest to start off with something extremely achievable, but something that will have an impact.

If you're not sure where to begin and If you're not doing it already, achieving a level of fitness can be a thing to start with. It will boost your feel-good biochemistry, will help you gain clarity, give you a sense of achievement and pride and plenty of other mental health benefits. Apart from anything else, on a very shallow yet important level - regular training sessions will make you more physically fit and attractive which in turn will make you feel better about yourself.

Fitness is always a good place to start with in my opinion.

WonderGurl, many thanks for some great advice but i'm actually a fitness fanatic and I exercise on a daily basis and I love it, in fact I go to great measures to take care of my physical appearance and alongside my studies it is one of the areas in my life that I invest in the most. I should have given more information in my original post. Without sounding boastful people are often confused when I say I feel low about myself and say 'why an earth are you insecure for' because on the surface it looks as though i'm 'doing well'. But I am always picking out flaws in myself and I feel pretty awful about myself the majority of the time :/. I often spend hours a time looking at photos of myself and seeing where I can improve myself, and I end up crying a lot.... This perfectionist behaviour carries over to my studies and I study for hours obsessively because I want to get the highest grade and the thought of getting any lower scares me. I am currently having difficulties with my partner due to various reasons and this is one of them. I feel as though there have been times of our relationship when he has really knocked my confidence (and the people i have met through him) so this worsens my behaviour and i just want to be valued very highly in his eyes because I respect his opinion a lot for some reason and I just feel like I can't meet up to standards and i see myself through this perspective a lot of the time.

Sorry for practically writing an essay I just feel like I need to get it out

I also suffer with low self esteem and self confidence in most situations. I'm usually very unhappy with what I see in a mirror. The most difficult fact for me to grasp is that people don't see us the way we see ourselves. Everyone has different filters related to how they've been conditioned and their beliefs. Try to look at yourself like you would look at a dear friend.

I know this is a very difficult thing to do but you might get a glimpse of the beautiful, loving person that you are.

If you are thinking regularly your low self-esteem is impacting on your life, you need to decide a goal to overcome this situation, or you should use goal settings and tracking apps which can help you to rebuild your self esteem.