by forestcritter » Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:09 pm
I strongly relate to much of what is said here, and this past year since my dad died I have been feeling extreme anxiety about my relationship with my girlfriend.
Since this time I've gotten some therapy for other issues which aren't directly related to my relationship, and I've realized a few things about myself and my relationship which have greatly reduced my anxiety.
1. I wasn't feeling anxiety directly because of the relationship, my mind was in pain and wanted to grapple onto something, and exaggerate something to the extreme because that's what the mind does when it's in pain, it obsesses about something. This doesn't mean I don't have issues in the relationship, but they shouldn't have been causing me that much grief.
2. The amount of pressure I put on the relationship to be something that would save me from pain was a big part of what caused me so much anxiety. I have always been obsessed with true love since the first time I fell in love when I was an adolescent and so each future relationship I had I felt like it had to be this certain thing, or a certain way, or I'd never be happy. This fear that I have of not having 'true love', in turn prevents me from feeling the beauty all around me, and the beauty of my girlfriend. When I am at peace and not worrying about whether she is 'the one' or even realizing that perhaps she is not 'the one' or even that I may never find 'the one', and realizing that that really doesn't matter, it's not the end of the world if we end up together or not, or if I do decide to stay with her and never find 'the one'. Once I let go of these expectations, and realize that if I just chill and stop forcing everything to be something, I can feel the way I want to feel whenever I want and it doesn't depend on another person. Once I let go of everything, then all of this pressure subsides, and I begin to feel wonderful things about the world, and enjoy my time with my partner, and in a way I can see that true love is all around and I feel a bit in love with the world itself and life is good. I think this pressure concept is especially true for all of us as I notice people tend to get their anxiety triggered during what are suppose to be magical moments between the sufferer and the partner. E.g. when you are having a cute moment dancing around in your home or whatever. I think these are triggers because we automatically test whether this moment which is obviously supposed to be magical, really is all that magical. And so if it doesn't feel exactly a certain way, we freak out. But in reality it doesn't need to be anything. Nothing needs to be any specific way. Once you stop being afraid of moments and feelings needing to be an exact way, then you might actually start feeling some of the good feelings you are trying to force.
3. I needed to stop being afraid of everything. When I was in relationship anxiety mode I was afraid of staying because I thought I might be squandering my life on a relationship which was not as fulfilling as one that I might otherwise have had, or that I was ruining my partner's life, or that if I left I would regret it and ruin my own life, etc. etc. I'm sure you know all of these feelings well. I realized that this fear is just a generic fear of everything, it is the essence of anxiety, and comes from the pain within you. If you work on that pain, either through therapy, or meditation, or whatever it is you need to do, then the fear will begin to subside, and you'll realize that whatever does happen -- stay together, split up, whatever, it's not something to be afraid of. It's just life. And when you aren't afraid of everything it can be very beautiful, and without the fear you will begin to feel the way you want to feel.
4. Most importantly you need to start doing more self-care. Meditation, exercise, whatever. I realized that I was putting all of the expectations of self-care on the relationship. I thought the joy of the relationship would take care of everything. To the point where the exercise I used to so enjoy declined substantially, and the amount of time I spent on my hobbies was reduced, and the amount of time I spent on other relationships with family and friends which previously fulfilled me was reduced. I didn't realize how negatively it was affecting me to neglect these parts of myself, and I began to resent my partner for it because I thought she was preventing me from doing these things because I had to spend so much time with her, and in turn I felt like I needed to be alone more. When in reality I just needed to start spending more time on the things I love. It is an issue if your partner doesn't allow you to do those things enough. Perhaps you need to discuss this with your partner. In any case you must spend a good amount of time doing things you love or you will inevitably feel a lack of love for anything.
Ultimately I say that if you have any chance of being successful in any relationship you have to learn to fall in love with life, and yourself, first. If you're always waiting on another person to make you feel the way you want to feel then there's a pretty small chance that you're going to be happy. It's hard to believe that the love you can feel for yourself and for the world is as fulfilling as the notion of 'true love' or whatever it is we think another person needs to give us, but it is pretty close and it is needed in order to make an informed decision about anything in life.