burt68 wrote:Okay I will take your suggestion and research cognitive therapy, but I’m not sure if you’re saying it will solve relationship problems with daughter, sister, resentment or all the above. My daughter has cut off herself off from most of the family, old friends and much of society so I’m not sure I can move to the acceptable side from her standpoint.
As far as creating a case, I consider that I have a long standing trait that I am a good debater who anticipates the other side and has a pre-prepared argument at the ready. I probably look at it as a chess game. However with my daughter I did have to learn to stop thinking, if I could only try x I could break the code. Working in a vacuum you can drive yourself crazy with theories.
I don’t like it in other people when they say “but my intentions were good” as shield or justification for doing counterproductive things. So I hope I’m not doing that.
Hi Burt,
Sorry for the delay. I got busy on a Math project (going back to school for a 2nd degree). GOOD! Look, my favorite author in Anger Management is Ronald Potter-Efron, who's written many popular books and even a few College Textbooks, all from the Cognitive Behavioral School. But in your case you would need to extrapolate, since, you're problem in NOT anger (which is a Blessing because for Angry People, even if they do all the work and become Saints, well, nobody really believes it. In social-psychological terms once you imprint on a Group as some threatening Angry Person, well, that is who you are. BUT, I was thinking about how educated you must be and so I should go the extra mile for you with my Recommendations. I turns out that the Giants of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck. Albert Ellis was first but he called it "Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy", and everybody said "WHAT?" but then Aaron Beck came along a few years later, after independently coming up with much the same system, and THEN discovered the work of Ellis and borrowed all the really good stuff from there. Both have written a lot of books: some books are General Theory and other books apply the CBT (or REBT) to specific disorders. Interestingly, if you do a search for Beck and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you will find a book by Aaron's daughter, who became a Psychologist.
I tell all the Anger Management Cases that their WORK on Anger Management will come along a lot easier if they become an Expert in the Field. For one thing, HOW does one practice NOT being Angry. So reading all the books helps to keep one's head and imagination involved. In your case, well, maybe you should be involved in Positive Psychology, that is to increase you own Happiness, well... personally I think that is kind of vain. there are more important things than Personal Happiness. BUT, you can use some of the ideas with the intention of coming up with a plan on how to MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY.
Yeah, you are a Debater. I was on a debate team to (the friggin Captain.... not a very good one. When asked to argue against something I believed in, I would get snarky and ironic and present the correct argument, but for laughs.) I had a brother though who became a Lawyer. He should have been more careful. In Psychology there is a thing called Cognitive Dissonance, where your brain will conform your attitudes and even emotional appraisals in order to conform with even just Appearances. So Lawyers begin to BELIEVE what they Argue after a while. that is why lawyers are often kind of Social Misfits... all that Arguing for whoever has money to pay them WARPS their Belief Systems and Social Moral Outlook. Oh, but, yeah, Debaters get into the Habit of Scoring Points on their Friends and Families. Really, I believe the Schools need to put an end to those Debate Teams (Now, Jimmy, argue for the WRONG side, and make sure you really Humiliate little Tommy). the Schools really need to Teach Social Skills and Anger Management. How to get along with everybody and Not Make Waves.
Burt, with your daughter and sister... well,not so much your sister as i think you could patch it up with her over a three martini lunch (you're the one throwing up all the walls there), but your daughter will take years for her to realize that she really isn't having a problem with you. With my own daughter, well, her mother and I got a divorce but I would visit annually and call and write and pay for report cards and stuff and was supportive and never got into any Discipline Issues, you know, WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE. But it is NOT all about me, and I had to deal with her PERCEPTION of Family Adult Authority Figures and how she thought I fit into THAT Model. Really, you CAN'T expect People to see YOU as you yourself see yourself. Other people can only look at you and Generalize from Type. People have Expectations. The only thing you can do is slowly put out particular instances of your own behavior and have conversations where you put out your own opinions. Slowly you can Differentiate Yourself from Generic Type. But with your Daughter, well, you HAVE differentiated yourself, and she doesn't like it. Burt, maybe you should take about a Year to become an Expert on, you are not Angry, and so you will have to almost design your own Mode of Therapy.... "Social Acceptance Therapy" where you just figure out what exactly you have to do to be Accepted. Wow, Burt, if you do a good job, you could write a Book! but, yeah, do that for a year or two until you really feel theoretically solid in your approach, then do something REALLY SYMBOLIC for your Daughter which will represent to her WHEN MY FATHER CHANGED. It would involve doing something that would be TOTALLY outside her model of expectations for you. it could even be something STUPID, and all the better for being something STUPID, like showing up dressed like Bozo the Clown (Jeff Bozos the Clown!) . But, yeah, Burt, I think you are really smart and so all I really need to do is shove you in the right direction and you really will become an Expert in your Own Problem. You probably will write a book. In ten years your daughter will be laughing with you and smiling (and you'll use in in Chapter 7 of your 2nd Book!).
but, yeah, Burt, I think you will do okay. But, yeah, GET TO WORK!