Melsuhr wrote: Also I find CBT really difficult, still trying to work out what safe is and what safe feels like which is kind of fundamental to any sort of desensitisation stuff.
Try reversing the question. What does “unsafe” feel like?
Safe feels like nothing. We are not hardwired to detect safe. Safe doesn’t send out any signal, it doesn’t release any chemical or grab our attention. We are hardwired to detect the unsafe, the novel, the unexplored. Your attention goes to the loud sound, the fast movement not to determine safe, but to determine if it is unsafe.
I use learning to SCUBA dive as a personal experience. Getting in the gear, heading out to the boat, getting in the water there was no anxiety. Safe didn’t feel like anything. There was no rush or flood of chemicals telling me “this is safe”.
Head under the water, breathing through a tube, surface is 1 meter away, exploring something new so heightened alertness, but still nothing is saying “unsafe”.
Then I get to a point in the training where I’m sinking. Instead of inflating the vest I had hit the release of air. The weight of the belt is dragging me down, not enough air in my vest, my ears begin to feel excess pressure. I’m sinking too fast!!!!! My brain reacts and my body gets a huge spike of adrenaline. Unsafe! Unsafe! I begin to panic.
The real danger was in my mind. The instructor knew I was fine, he had hold of my harness and we were not far from the surface. The floor was also not far below. A touch of air in the vest and my buoyancy is restored. What’s does safe feel like? I have no idea, but I know what unsafe feels like, even if it is only in my mind.
The process of reducing the unsafe then, in my opinion, is to focus on what it feels like to feel and then manage the unsafe. The gradual exposures or desensitization is not about feeling safe, but about exploring the unsafe.
Using the SCUBA example, you go from 1 meter to 3 meters to 9 meters. The entire time it wasn’t about feeling safe, but about not feeling unsafe. With each new depth it was confirming that you don’t feel unsafe. The entire time it was a heightened experience, exploring something new, seeing some amazing sites. Sharks, sea turtles, thousands of fish of all different colors, the amazing reef, etc.
I know in some sense it is semantics, but I think it is an important distinction. Safe feels like nothing.