Suicidal

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 3:06 am

I am suicidal. I'm 40 years old, I weigh 400 pounds, I have few friends and no girlfriend, I have an innie penis, I'm addicted to porn, I struggle mentally with sex, I've been described by my brother as "the antithesis of the concept" of a man, and I was born with something called Craniosynostosis, which means my head is misshapen and I have a lazy eye. I've been fat my entire adult life; not just "overweight", but morbidly obese for all but a few years. Even when I lost weight I barely had more success with women, and now climbing that mountain of weight loss again feels impossible. What I want to do is end my life. I feel that I've wasted what opportunity I had for a decent life and now there's no point in continuing.

I'm already on three different antidepressants / mood stabilizers and have tried many combinations. I think the issue is not chemical imbalance but circumstances. Add up all of the above and the result is utter hopelessness. I've tried to commit suicide three times, one of which I interrupted myself. One of them, the first time, I very nearly succeeded, and to this day I wish I had. The only thing that really stops me now is knowing what effect it would have on my family, who love me very much. If they weren't around, I'd be dead now.

I've been going to therapy for most of the last decade. As far as I can tell, it hasn't achieved jack sh** and I've lost faith in the entire profession. Quite honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I think I may have exhausted all the possibilities.

I don't expect anyone to have magical answers to all my problems, but maybe you can help me with whether I'm doing the right thing by staying alive for my family's sake. I already know the answer: that no, it isn't, I have to find my own reason to live. But that's just it: with no real prospects of having a family, I simply can't come up with a reason. I don't know if I'm looking for one or just grasping at straws, but that's where I stand.

Thanks in advance to anyone who read this far.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:57 am

At 40, what is your professional background or skill set? How have you “earned a living” in the past?

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 4:14 pm

I'm a programmer. I have a good job.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 5:52 pm

So you provide value to others, using a highly sought after skill set.

People finding meaning in life other than sexually or through family relationships. People finding meaning when they help and provide values to others. There are many professions or paths in life that are meaningful, that have nothing to do with sexual intimacy.

My guess, is that you do not see your professional path as meaningful. You help people, you provide value, but it means nothing to you. It isn’t about the value you provide, but only a means to an end for you, i.e. a way to pay any bills.

Reasons to live are not given to anyone, they are developed, cultivated, or grown through our own efforts. This certainly does not always work out as we wish. If we convince ourselves a reason is to create children, but we are unable to bear children, then our efforts will fail and with that failure comes pain. Worse, if we convince ourselves that to bear a child is the only reason, that no other reason can possibly exist, then we are setting up the conditions for life to lack meaning and the result is a desire to then end our own existence.

What ways can you create meaning in your life?

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:19 pm

You write well, yaitso. How about writing your autobiography? You could send a version of your first post here to several publishers and see whether you get any interest. Have your first chapter ready to go, first.

Your story would be a good read, particularly for other people who Fate has dealt a bad hand.

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:48 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
What ways can you create meaning in your life?

In other words, I'm supposed to give up on having a family and search for other kinds of fulfillment. To be honest, I don't know. I'm not passionate about anything anymore; I simply exist, finding ways to pass the time so I don't just wallow in my misery. But I'm running out of things that are engaging enough to drown out the constant swirl of negativity. I used to read, play video games, and watch baseball, but none of those hold my attention anymore, and I can't motivate myself to spend time on more self-help or self-improvement. My time horizon is one day: getting through from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:52 pm

Candid wrote:Your story would be a good read, particularly for other people who Fate has dealt a bad hand.

It would be far less interesting than you seem to think. I don't do anything that people would want to read about.

Thanks for acknowledging that I did get dealt a bad hand, though - at least you didn't try to minimize or dismiss it with flowery platitudes.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sat Aug 10, 2019 12:49 am

yaitso wrote: In other words, I'm supposed to give up on having a family and search for other kinds of fulfillment. To be honest, I don't know. I'm not passionate about anything anymore.

There have been multiple studies on goal achievement related to how you are feeling. One study used women that had the goal of having a child. This is a very normal goal that has a strong biological and emotional basis.

When a person discovers they most likely cannot achieve a goal, the first step is disengagement. In other words, at some point the woman had to accept that having a biological child was no longer possible. Understandably, this can be a big blow. And, it is not always a yes/no or clear cut moment in time when a person accepts a goal is no longer attainable.

But, disengagement was not enough. Women that disengaged, accepting that they could not have children suffered emotionally for much longer than women that disengaged and then reengaged with a new goal of equivalent or greater value. Things such as adoption or participating in a non-profit that helped children, or engaging in new goals that were meaningful resulted in quicker recovery.

So yes...you have interpreted it correctly. The challenge you face is that unlike the women that disengaged because they were unable to have children, there is obviously a point in the future where you might be able to reengage the goal of pursuing an intimate relationship. If for example, in the pursuit of other goals, you get healthier, minimize addictions, and gain confidence, then some level of an intimate relationship may resurface as a potential goal at some point in the future.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Sat Aug 10, 2019 9:07 am

yaitso wrote:In other words, I'm supposed to give up on having a family ...

You already have a family, and you've told us they love you "very much". In the fullness of time, if not already, the next generation will be coming up. Uncle Yaitso will be able to take the weight off siblings or cousins by taking the youngsters for days out.

Seriously, what's the big deal about making people who'll share your genes? It surely isn't about I-love-children, or all the couples struggling with reproductive technologies would be taking in one or several of the many who need homes (and food, and education). We're well past the carrying capacity of earth, so that only one third of world population gets enough to eat. Depending on where in the world you live, any offspring you had now might be lucky to find a parking space in 20 years' time, much less a job, or a home bigger than a cupboard.

(An autobiography) would be far less interesting than you seem to think. I don't do anything that people would want to read about.

You have a condition that makes you look odd, which by your reckoning means you'll never find a woman to love you. It didn't prevent you getting "a good job", so clearly the people who hired you didn't find you repulsive.

Frank McCourt was just another Depression-era child who worked as a teacher -- until he wrote Angela's Ashes and scooped a Pulitzer for it. Stories of people living with adversity have immense appeal, particularly for readers with similar problems.

But you are not Frank McCourt, who had rock-bottom survival issues to deal with from Day One. Your only problem is you can't find a woman to make babies with, and there are loads of 'em here, as well as the girls "too ugly" to find a boyfriend. The generic advice is to work on self-esteem and confidence. "The constant swirl of negativity" is self-defeating.

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:21 am

Candid wrote:Seriously, what's the big deal about making people who'll share your genes?

I firmly believe reproduction is the main goal of human existence, for starters. But really, what it boils down to is that I can't imagine anything else that would be fulfilling enough to make the suffering worthwhile. If I had an otherwise halfway decent life and my only problem was not being able to have biological children, you'd be right: finding other methods of fulfillment would be achievable. But as it stands, without a family or at least a realistic possibility of one, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep getting out of bed in the morning. I guess I just don't care enough about anything else.

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:39 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:But, disengagement was not enough. Women that disengaged, accepting that they could not have children suffered emotionally for much longer than women that disengaged and then reengaged with a new goal of equivalent or greater value. Things such as adoption or participating in a non-profit that helped children, or engaging in new goals that were meaningful resulted in quicker recovery.

I definitely get what you're saying and it makes sense. I'm not arguing with your premise. I'm saying I can't find anything else to reengage with because nothing else motivates me or keeps my interest.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:The challenge you face is that unlike the women that disengaged because they were unable to have children, there is obviously a point in the future where you might be able to reengage the goal of pursuing an intimate relationship. If for example, in the pursuit of other goals, you get healthier, minimize addictions, and gain confidence, then some level of an intimate relationship may resurface as a potential goal at some point in the future.

Again, I agree with your reasoning. What seems impossible to me is consciously changing what motivates me. I don't know how to decide to want something other than what I want. And of course, this brings back the time horizon problem: like I said before, I operate on very high time-preference, and I also don't know how to change that. So pursuing a goal that might eventually get me to my real goal runs counter to how my mind functions. I realize this is incredibly childish, and it's yet another reason why I think ending my life is the only real solution: if I haven't matured enough to be able to think long-term by the time I'm 40, how likely is it that I ever will?

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sun Aug 11, 2019 1:44 pm

yaitso wrote: I'm saying I can't find anything else to reengage with because nothing else motivates me or keeps my interest.

...I operate on very high time-preference, and I also don't know how to change that. So pursuing a goal that might eventually get me to my real goal runs counter to how my mind functions...if I haven't matured enough to be able to think long-term by the time I'm 40, how likely is it that I ever will?

Two things to consider;

-1- How does anyone figure out what motivates or keeps their interest? It isn't a process of setting some larger goal, e.g. run a marathon, without first determining if you enjoy running a 5k. It doesn't take much effort to explore, to play, to give things a try, to sample the buffet of life.

My guess is that you keep repeating the same comfortable pattern. You avoid trying anything new, because you see no point if the activity has no long term goal. You stay in your comfort zone.

Volunteer, join a club, start a blog, learn a foreign language, grow a garden, etc. Anything that is new will almost by definition be less comfortable than your current activities. And there is no telling if one of those small goals will lead to some bigger motive in life.

-2- How, meaning by whom and what environment, are you being enabled? While ultimately we can only control ourselves, there is plenty of research that shows the power of situational influences. Recognizing how we set ourselves up for failure and taking steps to reconfigure our relationships and our environment is important.

I get that a person is theoretically responsible as an individual for not over eating. I get that a person can work in the family donut shop and remain healthy. But, just because it is possible doesn't mean we stick our heads in the sand and pretend that environment and family relationships are not a crucial factor. When that person finds themselves obese, maybe it's time to reevaluate working in the donut shop. Maybe it is time to reconsider relationships that are less than helpful, if not enabling.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon Aug 12, 2019 9:10 am

yaitso wrote:I firmly believe reproduction is the main goal of human existence, for starters.

You might like to consider how your own life has been so far, and what you know about other people's lives, whether the good outweighs the bad. Visit a nursing home and see how many people have been there for years, unable to walk, talk or even think, kept alive by machinery and medication. IMO human reproduction is now indefensible. Just because it's natural doesn't make it the best choice for any thinking person.

There's nothing clever about impregnating a woman. The human race won't go extinct if people stop breeding. But it will go extinct (every species does), most likely because the planet continues biting back with ever-worsening natural disasters. Those left standing can look forward to shortages of food (already a major issue); of water (increased desertification also in evidence); and of air (the citizens of Tokyo and other big cities have been wearing surgical masks for decades).

Every second worldwide, five people are born and two people die, leaving three more humans on Earth. That’s approximately 180 more people per minute or 9,000 more people per hour. This rapid rate of population growth has serious implications, such as 237,000 more people needing to be fed each night, space to live, and safe water to drink. But this trajectory of growth is unnecessary and has simple solutions. Half of the world’s pregnancies are unintended and 25 percent are unwanted. ~ population.org

I can't imagine anything else that would be fulfilling enough to make the suffering worthwhile.

And for that reason you want to create more people who will also suffer. Misery loves company! That's just a failure of imagination.

without a family or at least a realistic possibility of one, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep getting out of bed in the morning.

Is your home such that you could have a dog? They're wonderful company, and responsible ownership involves daily exercise for the owner. With the right conditions they live more than a decade, then after a decent period of mourning you can easily get a replacement. Best of all, a dog in youth or prime won't let you stay in bed.

I guess I just don't care enough about anything else.

That's called depression, and it's no reason to make new people.

**Posts:** 8 · by **yaitso** » Sat Aug 17, 2019 7:01 am

Candid wrote:And for that reason you want to create more people who will also suffer. Misery loves company! That's just a failure of imagination.

I think that's a little unfair. My point is that I wouldn't be miserable if I had kids to take care of. Kids would be a reason to accept my suffering and consider it worthwhile.

Is your home such that you could have a dog?

I can't have pets under my lease.

That's called depression, and it's no reason to make new people.

I know it's depression, and I feel strongly that the cure is finding a reason to be alive. Nothing else I've done has given me that reason, and if I do a gap analysis on my own life, the one big thing missing is having my own family, not just my birth family. That includes a fulfilling relationship with a compatible woman, which of course would be a necessary step toward having kids. Even if I accept your argument about population growth - which I have to admit is a strong point - I'm still missing out on the relationship aspect. To be quite honest, I'm tired of struggling and getting nowhere.

Let me preface this next part by saying I know that other people have their own struggles. That being said, I would rather have the kind of problems that come with living a normal life than have the kind that come with being a fat loser with an asymmetrical face and an inadequate penis. I feel that I was born cursed, and I frankly wish I had not been born. I'm sorry if I sound like a whiny little bitch, but those are my honest feelings. When I pray, I pray to die in my sleep. I don't know what else to say. I'm at the end of my rope with life.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sat Aug 17, 2019 1:42 pm

If you want marriage I can tell you how. It is actually very easy, but it does require one major change, one major shift in perspective. I know it works, because I have a friend very similar to you and he made the change. He has been dating the same woman for several years now. He is still a miserable f***, but he did achieve his goal.

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