So, let me get this out of my chest in the shortest possible way so you can understand what I am struggling with. A few months ago I met this wonderful girl. We talked a lot over text and where in touch pretty much every day even though she cancelled dates in the very last minute a few times. She told me from the beginning she suffered from Depression and anxiety which at that time i didn't know much about. However, when we finally met, we clicked and I could feel that this girl was something I want for life. She was very open from the very beginning how much she liked me, how much she missed me and when I was gone, shooting a movie in Spain for a month and a half. We kept in touch and spoke over the phone every single day. Until one day, she seemed aloof. I asked her what it was but she was just distant over texts, I gave it a couple of days and then texted her saying " Im thinking about you" She responded and our contact became better again.
When i came home. We started dating again immediately. She was loving, she was caring, she had energy and she was pouring compliments and kindness over me.She told me she wanted more with me and that it frightens her.
I did the same to her, gave and responded to her feelings in a mutual way. It was beautiful. Then something happened. She entered this horrible working week. She has three jobs btw.
During that week. She barely responded when I texted. And I only sent her encouraging texts. Not hey can we meet up or whatever. I was just being supportive. She told me she was feeling tired. She stopped texting me first. She was basically not herself anymore and I could feel the change over a night.
I gave it time. Tried to show myself available. I tried to keep in touch with her as normal. We bumped into one another in the gym and she was sweet and close to me. I could see that she liked me even though she didn't behave that way when we were away from eachother.
After a couple of days, she went silent. Told me she needed to be alone. We spoke over the phone and I asked her how I can be there for her. That I care. That she should push me away and instead talk to me about what she needs. She needed time, i gave it to her. During that time, I studied, I read, I learned and I watched videos about depression, how to deal with it. I did everything to understand and through understanding get closer to her. I sent her supportive texts which she responded positively to. We started talking again.
Then something happened. She snapped at me over text and then went silent again when I tried to have a conversation with her. We were supposed to meet and she cancelled as well the following day. A few days of silence passed.
Then I decided to send her a letter through email. In this letter i explained that I want to be there for her, that i have tried to learn on my own how to cope with depression. I told her that I dont care about the mood swings, that it is okey for her to cancel dates. That it is perfectly fine if she doesn't wanna go out and be amongst people and that I am there for her whenever she needs me and that I truly want to continue our relationship no matter her depression. I told her that it is okey if she doesn't always have the strength to give. I told her I could be the giver when she doesn't have the strength. I told her how beautiful she was, strong and that she is a fighter, that I want to be there for her in whatever way I can.
To my chock, she responded in the most brutal way. She blamed me for things I didn't even know about. Saying I've hurt her. I've crushed her feelings and I hurt her trough that phonecall a couple of weeks ago. ( That phonecall was me trying to tell her that I care and that I dont wanna give up on her because she is sick and that I truly like her)
She said that I took her depression as a joke ( which I know i haven't and i have done everything in my power to be supportive)
She said that she thought better of me and that she has now realized that I dont take her seriously and that I will never understand no matter how much I try to learn.
She then ended her email by saying that she doesn't want anybody in her life in that way, she wants to be alone and do the things she loves on her own. She was cold in her writing, as if I never ment anything to her. She ended it through the mail. She said we could just be friends.
I sent a response saying I was in genuin chock and hurt and felt mistreated. Knowing I've done everything to be there for her. Still I apologized If i had in any way hurt her feelings. But I questioned why she hasn't told me anything about it, why she hasn't told me how she felt, because we had been speaking after the phone call. She didn't respond.
I wonder why she choose to blame me and end everything after my letter. She had the chance to do it these last two weeks. But when I showed my compassion, my caring and my will to go through it all for her. She leaves me with guilt and no answers.
Sorry for writing this huge text. I know I shouldn't take it personally. But I´m so confused right now. I know I have to respect her will. But it feels like she is someone else and that she has perceived reality in a twisted way the last month after her horrible stressful week. Its like she is a complete different person right now.