My quit Journal

Going into my second day of a really bad two day stretch. Anxiety is the worst part, feeling disconnected, DR, sweating hands and feet, depression are also really bad. Pushing through, this is crazy hard.

Yeah the depression part is the worst I have sudden aches all the time and just no motivation to do things I loved like going to the gym etc and the sweaty hand and feet have subsided abit for me but when they sweat my feet get more cold due to the colder weather here of course so that’s no fun also.

Coldturkey2018 wrote:Yeah the depression part is the worst I have sudden aches all the time and just no motivation to do things I loved like going to the gym etc and the sweaty hand and feet have subsided abit for me but when they sweat my feet get more cold due to the colder weather here of course so that’s no fun also.

The lack of pleasure stuff is called anhedonia and it's a definite symptom of PAWS, something that makes people often go back to using. It'll sort itself out, I hope, but I'm suffering bad from that now. It makes time slow to a crawl as I take no pleasure in doing anything.

Yeah I f***** hate paws it sucks the life out of you

EdiBee wrote:So true. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 am (instead of 7 am), could not fall asleep again, and I was feeling literally crazy in the afternoon because of the anxiety. Very sick thing. My whole body was itching, all humans, myself included, were absurd and monstruous. Was happy to get back at home and sip an herbal tea. Went to bed early and slept well - today I feel way better, more concentration and less crazy that’s for sure.

Lack of sleep definitely makes anything that's wrong way, WAY worse.

Coming down from the nasties earlier tonight than I did last night, feeling a desire to DO some stuff. That's a blessing to me right now. Do I want to be 100%? Hell yes I do, but being at 20% right this moment feels much better than 10%. Progress is progress. Still have a long road ahead of me, but I'll keep making it one second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year at a time until I find myself again.

hello exstonerinhell,

i just wanted to say that benzos are not the reason for your illbeing. ive also been using them for the past 3 months on and off. it never affected me poorly. it only helped me subside the urge to smoke. i guess they are an ok helping tool.

the anhedonia youre mentioning seems to me like an extreme case of boredom. by using weed for years everyday all of us have destroyed our imagination. thats the main reason we cant feel anything. im saying we because i suppose majority of people experience the same symptoms only in different amplitudes.

keep pushing dude

wolfson1311 wrote:
keep pushing dude

Thanks, man. I will. You too.

Had a dream last night that I was 'normal', holding on to that. Today hasn't started off horribly, I was able to ignore the sense of anxiety I wake up with every morning some and get back to sleep, so I got some pretty good sleep last night. Still depressed, but anxiety is less today for which I am grateful.

On this path, going to get through today.

Hey exstonerinhell

I've read your journal and can totally relate to a lot of what you're writing. I was smoking for about 13 years every day. It is such a shitty situation to be in when you want to be social, but at the same time you can't, or your afraid to do it because you feel like a complete alien, without any humor and you feel that you are so much more boring than you used to be while smoking. For me, I get really self-conscious if I don't talk much in a social situation. That people will think that I'm weird if I'm silent. One of the reasons I started to smoke weed is because I was shy, so I guess I need to get comfortable with not always being the center of attention, and rather be a good and attentive listener, not feeling weird if I'm silent. I guess loneliness is part of the price we are currently paying to eventually reach our goal of recovery. Looking forward to following your diary. Stay strong my friend

I’ve been suffering from a sore stomach recently not sure if it’s because of paws or because of my anxiety but things seem put of whack right now I feel like crying for no reason sometimes it’s pretty awful.

Baltus wrote:Hey exstonerinhell

I've read your journal and can totally relate to a lot of what you're writing. I was smoking for about 13 years every day. It is such a shitty situation to be in when you want to be social, but at the same time you can't, or your afraid to do it because you feel like a complete alien, without any humor and you feel that you are so much more boring than you used to be while smoking. For me, I get really self-conscious if I don't talk much in a social situation. That people will think that I'm weird if I'm silent. One of the reasons I started to smoke weed is because I was shy, so I guess I need to get comfortable with not always being the center of attention, and rather be a good and attentive listener, not feeling weird if I'm silent. I guess loneliness is part of the price we are currently paying to eventually reach our goal of recovery. Looking forward to following your diary. Stay strong my friend

Yeah, it's weird.... going through all of this is making me confront all the reasons I smoked weed and everything I'm feeling now is the exact opposite of the things weed brought me, in the beginning at least. I thought it always took away my depression and anxiety, it didn't it just masked it to ensure it came out at inappropriate times. Thought it made me more outgoing and emotional but it was a fake emotion and a part of me that wasn't totally real.

It's good to find the real me now, it just hurts and sucks to have to find him through this confused suffering. It's all chemicals though and I'd rather understand me under the influence of my natural chemical make-up than under the copious amounts of THC. Our brains will sort themselves out, and happiness will return. It'll be that much more powerful after having gone through this experience. We'll get there, man, just going to have to go through hell first.

But no way do you go through an experience like this and not end up a better person on the other side. PAWS sucks.

Coldturkey2018 wrote:I’ve been suffering from a sore stomach recently not sure if it’s because of paws or because of my anxiety but things seem put of whack right now I feel like crying for no reason sometimes it’s pretty awful.

I've never cried as much in my entire life as I have in these past months. Let yourself do it, it's helpful and flushes out some of the bad chemicals building up in your body with no way to go.

Don't put everything on paws though, get yourself checked out by a doc if you're having any issues. Your chemicals are screwed up right now and that will cause any number of weird physical effects. Your stomach is basically your second brain so don't be surprised when you go through some weird GI issues, but don't get complacent and put everything on paws.

Went for a walk with my girlfriend, she's been great about this but is mad at me for more than a few things I did in my past. She has every right to be and I need to face up to a lot of things I did. I won't put it off on weed, but now that I've lost so much of the emotional blunting of the past decades I can truly see that some of the stuff I did was really shitty and selfish. It's hard to accept but at the same time it's great that we can talk like this.

Anyway, I'm spending a lot of time sitting around feeling sorry for myself. The walk felt good, I can't just sit around waiting for myself to get better and then go on with my life. I need to start that sh** now, and do the best I can. It'll distract from the PAWS, make time pass faster, and give me a head start on becoming the person I want to become.

Yeah my other assumption is that I’m now suffering from ibs. Which sucks in that case