I have a problem with anger

Hey Jen,

I really feel for your situation and can understand why you want it to stop. Let me first say that anger is a natural thing. It's a powerful emotion that has kept us alive since the days we used to BBQ Wooley Mamoths. In this day and age, we can no longer punch someone or react as our emotions would want us to do because of the acquired norms and laws of our society. Therefore we need a better way of responding to our anger rather than reacting to it. Often, this goes directly against what we feel like we need to do to relieve our anger.

Anger has a number of causes, both internal and external. But to sum it up simply, anger comes from basically two things: (1) an irrational expectation of reality ("It has to be done my way.") and (2) a low frustration point ("Its my way or no way.") In your particular case, it would seem that your frustration tolerance level is low due to all the stress that you have been experiencing lately. There are a number of factors that contribute towards lowering our frustration tolerance level such as alcohol/drugs, stress, depression, pain (either emotional or physical) and recent irritation (small daily things that bug the heck out of you). Recognize those contributors to your lowered frustration level and you can better avoid them.

Instead of reacting to anger, a better way is to respond to it. A method that I've acronymed HEAT.

1. Hold it for a count of ten. Anything that comes out of someone's mouth during the intial onset of anger is going to be bad and aggravate the situation further. Why? Because whatever is being said is not being said through the rational mind, but rather the emotional mind. Think of saying something while being angry as the same as throwing a punch...its very reactionary in nature. A person needs time to allow their rational mind to regain control of their actions, so the simplest way to do that is to concentrate on holding your tongue for a 10 count. Some people even find it better to take 10 deep breathes. The point being--"Don't say anything while being angry, or it will be the greatest speech you will live to regret."

2. Empathize. When we are angry, it is our self-talk that usually pushes us to act. Self-talk are the little voices in your head that justify your emotions (i.e. How dare he do that to me, I will make him pay, This will be the last time he does that....) To combat this, do this mental routine everytime you feel yourself becoming angry--jump out of your shoes and into the shoes of the other person. Empathize with their position and their views on the situation. See things from their angle. By doing this, you not only take a break from your own mind, but you can better rationalize the fact that there might be varying reasons for their own actions. People often assume that a person is doing something on purpose out of their own fears. By empathizing, you see things from a different light.

3. Address the problem, not the person. Instead of attacking the person for their actions, rechannel that energy onto the problem by using it as a point of discussion to talk about needs, fears, concerns, and interests. Angry people can't hold their anger forever and they can't lash out at the person, so the only viable alternative is to attack the problem, while being soft on the person. In your particular situation reference the restaurant, I would increase your communication with him and address the problem of feeling ignored. He needs to learn how to actively listen to your needs, which can be talked about beforehand. In this way, you can signal that its time to talk and he can address your concerns and defuse your anger before it gets out of control. Even if you are without your BF, you can still address the problem rather than the person by using "I" and "we" statements instead of "you" statements which are very accussatory in nature. Just remember to use all that anger and attack the problem and not the people.

4. Time-out. This is your fail safe plan should the first three steps fail you. Most experts that I've talk to agree that diconnecting yourself from the source of anger is typically the best way to regain control. I teach HEAT because walking away from the situation is simply not an option for law enforcement, security, and customer service personnel, however, it is the one option that works the best in a heated situation. Rather than explode at someone in a fit of anger, the best thing is to walk away for a bit to regain control of your emotions before going back in. Time-outs are perfectly appropriate for your situation.

So Jen, these are some very basic techniques on how to deal with short term anger outbursts....They are not a cureall for long term anger or for addressing the underlying reasons for your anger. If you need to talk about any of those or need any more help, please feel free to chat or e-mail me. Take care.

Tristan

I found this advice incredibly useful, especially the point about addressing the problem and not the person and not saying "You". I put it into action tonight and it worked! I am so pleased. Thanks Tristan.