Hello! I have really bad OCD and recently I've started to focus on my sexual childhood. I know it's been mentioned on this board many times, but my is unique as it feels a little more abnormal. I was taken advantage of by a girl 4 or five years older then me when I was five or six. She would perform oral sex on me, and then I on her.
I had some close friends in our neighborhood and I told them about what was happening and they asked me to to what she did to them. With the first friend, I stopped halfway as I felt guilty annd dirty and didn't want to do it anymore. With the second friend, she was a year or two younger, and I think it happened twice with her. The first time is a hazy memory but I'm scared that I made her perform oral sex on me, or maybe I'm confusing it with a different memory I don't really know. The second time it happened with her, I stopped and told her I didn't want to do stuff like this anymore, and then left. With the first friend, I was still friends with her until I moved away. The second friend I never saw again after that since she moved before I talked to her again.
I just have so much anxiety that I could have passed on the abuse I experienced to someone else and pass on my trauma, and made them feel terrible. Or maybe I kickstarted their sexual delinquency and they went on to abuse other kids. I've literally tried to find them on the internet so I can apologize, or know how they're doing. I just feel terrible. I told my psychiatrist this and she said it was normal, but in every study I read, it said genital kissing or oral sex were very uncommon behaviors.