Help me change the way I think

**Posts:** 3 · by **Criscodisco45** » Mon May 07, 2018 11:12 pm

I'm looking to get some help changing my way of thinking. There are several issues going on. First, I don't take criticism well. I take it very personally, and rather than try to apply the feedback, I usually choose to wallow in the sadness of feeling inadequate instead. Very much tied into this is my tendency to give up on new things if they don't come naturally to me. I don't want to feel like an idiot, and yet I know that the true idiocy is in not allowing myself to learn and grow because I don't want to deal with the discomfort.

I also have a problem with being aware and present in the moment. I often don't notice my immediate surroundings, and it leads to doing things incorrectly or not catching on to something that's fairly obvious. For some reason, it's almost like the present moment is always taken for granted while my mind is elsewhere, whether it be past regrets, future worries, the song in my head (I'm a musician) etc. I believe this is also why I often have a terrible memory.

Finally, I believe at the root of all this is a lack of love for myself. I get down on myself very easily, and I internalize and wallow. I have a very hard time being assertive and standing up for myself. I often find it hard to identify what my true feelings or opinions are, and I think it's because they're shrouded by this complex web of self doubt and fear of confrontation.

I think I'm simultaneously very self centered but also self deprecating, and I just want to be a normal person who can fully and meaningfully engage with people and the world around me. Any suggestions on what steps I can take to adjust my way of thinking? Has anyone dealt with a similar mental complex? Any advice is much appreciated, thank you.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue May 08, 2018 12:19 am

What are your current specific goals?

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Tue May 08, 2018 7:45 am

Criscodisco45 wrote:... don't take criticism well. I take it very personally, and rather than try to apply the feedback, I usually choose to wallow in the sadness of feeling inadequate instead.
... my tendency to give up
... a problem with being aware and present in the moment ... my mind is elsewhere
I have a very hard time being assertive and standing up for myself...
I often find it hard to identify what my true feelings or opinions are...
... self doubt and fear of confrontation
... self centered but also self deprecating...

These are all symptoms of attachment trauma https://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org ... nt-trauma/, so I'll ask my standard question: how do you get on with your parents and any siblings you have?

**Posts:** 3 · by **Criscodisco45** » Tue May 08, 2018 4:44 pm

I get along with them just fine. I will say that my brother and I were closer when we were kids and both into sports. Once I became a teenager, my interests shifted to music and I started to feel too cool for my brother, especially because he was mildly autistic and therefore a little strange. I wasn't particularly mean to him although I actively excluded him from hanging out which I think is normal for teenage brothers.

We hang out occasionally now but still don't share a lot of common ground. Neither of us have ever had a bad relationship with our mom. I'll also disclose that my father suffered from depression and health issues and ultimately committed suicide seven years ago. This could very well be a factor in my problem, possibly from a genetic standpoint but not sure.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue May 08, 2018 4:55 pm

Criscodisco45 wrote: This could very well be a factor in my problem...

Or it could be that you favor very general, broad, abstract goals that allow you to avoid critical feedback. You prefer to ebb and flow, putting things off and avoiding criticism by pursuing activities that are subjectively judged, e.g. music.

If you want to change the way you think you have to change the underlying process. If you continue using the same daily routine, the same mindset will continue.

**Posts:** 3 · by **Criscodisco45** » Tue May 08, 2018 5:13 pm

I think you're onto something here Richard. I had a hard time coming up with an answer to your first question. What do you suggest? Should I try to set specific goals that play into the broader goals?

**Posts:** 5 · by **Mindset4Success** » Fri May 18, 2018 5:56 am

It is very important to look at your upbringing all of your learned behaviors, thoughts and beliefs about yourself are created from here in your childhood. We unconsciously adopt the behaviors we see, and implement it in our own lives, and often times when we become triggered by certain event or situation in our life we falling into a wounded pattern.

Like you mentioned, your fathered suffering from severe depression which resulted in him ending his life. I'm very sorry for your loss and know how painful it is to lose a loved one.

This already shows us, that he was not able to be present himself and his own depression took over his life. So you are unconscious picking up his pattern and his behavior coping mechanisms and self-image.

Often times low self-esteem is created from living by someone else's expectations of us. So whether its culturally, religiously, ethnically, etc... we are living by someone's criteria of who we should be, and that is our first mistake. Because when we do not live up to that criteria or expectation, we then get shamed and internalize negative ideas and beliefs about ourselves.

So the first way to overcome this is by setting your own expectations for yourself. I have a link to my workbook that will help guide you to create your authentic identity, and this will allow to start the process of gaining high confidence and inner peace.

https://mailchi.mp/fe92a75fb5b9/setting-your-own-expectations

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