Bf with horrible anger pls help!

Sounds good! I'm checking it out now

Cece,

It seems you want to be angry... it fulfills some kind of temporary need in your life.... Excitement, Adventure... that kind to thing. either that Fad will pass on its own, or you will have to grow up. Yes, I guess everyone goes through a Phase where they want to just want to Shake Their Fist At the World... but, there was something my Parents used to say.... "You can't fight City Hall"... that is, there are Things you have to just live with.

Now, if your Boyfriend were to write in.... I'd tell him to split and not leave a forwarding address. I really don't see that you have any hope. You have just been wallowing in all of our good advice, and it doesn't seem like you want to actually do anything yourself to fix your problem.

Well of course I don't agree with that at all. It's not that I don't have respect for someone else's opinions or lets call it helpful feedback, even if it's negative towards me. But lol no, anger myself is not what I'm hoping to get out of this, I'm happy that I don't get angry and have these types of outbursts towards others or even myself. The reasons why I have to disagree with that statement is truly based on the information I've actually provided. It's not nearly enough to conclude such an opinion. I'm not angry at the world, I'm not anger at my bf or the situation that brought us to where we are, if you read my first post, and the first sentence I clearly stated I'm hear to learn. And if you read my following post, I admit to my own issues as well, where on a forum I don't even have to mention what u suffer from. Now if people, such as yourself feel, again I will use the term "putting a bandaid on my relationship" than clearly my writing was left open for feedback on the relationship its self. Since I am members of other forums, I don't mind at all. After all, what use is it to me, what help is it to me if I don't post honestly about my concerns. I'm not embarrassed what so ever about things in my past, my current struggles or my relationship. Yes I have been calling him my bf, we have been seeing eachother without intimacy for the last month and trying to work things out, and only been to therapy once last Monday. My issues our mine, his issues or his, in a perfect world I would love for them not to leak out into the relationship. I would like to support eachother while we get individual help, and deal with them accordingly. Him being 38 now, I would like nothing more than him to be happy and not so angry all the time. But let me be frank, if I am in therapy for going on 4 years straight, the statement of "wallowing in good advice" holds no creditablity what so ever, as you think you're the first to tell me that this relationship is unhealthy? Or should leave? Or to tell me that the man with the anger issues should pick up and leave me as there is no hope. As far as I'm concerned, objectively, if there is any man or women that will go to therapy, pick up all types of self help books, join forums and communities, research topics on any mental issues including anger, I would actually have the opposite feedback from you. Because this shows that the person is open minded with their own issues, along with others, eager to learn more, not just for this one relationship but for future ones as well. Facing issues is never an easy thing to do, so ibresoect the people that have stepped out of denial and are sincere about their goals. I worry more about the people in unhealthy relationships that are not seeking out advice. So yes, now that I have come face to face with a person, who I see has a quick long lasting temper I would like to know what they think or he thinks when he gets that angry with me. Like I said I'm grateful for all the genuine feedback regarding my situation or relationship. Even if the feedback is "you're doomed" or "he should pick up and leave, and not give you a forwarding address". I think Richard was 100% right, and if I really want to learn more about anger, and how anger people react, and to what extremes I should have looked for different resources than this forum. I assumed, if you want to really understand it, go to the source, a community with people that struggle with it, perhaps they have some insight. That was my fault, I will go through some different sites and still continue to read on this site as well, but for you Leo, the only thing left to say is "you listen but do not hear". But you did take the time to express how you perceived my posts, so I respect that.

Cece431 wrote:I'm 100% on the right path.

In that case, all you have to do is keep going!

if someone with anger comes to you, begging for help, or tips on how to control it because he's going to lose his job, house, family, girlfriend. What's the advice you would give him? I'm sorry but if you are causing this much damage, I can't help you? I'm hear to learn first. Because this type of anger is something I don't understand.

I look for where it started. A disempowered, abusive childhood is invariably the reason. That can be fixed -- but it has to be acknowledged first.

Thanks candid for your support

Dear Cece,

Jeez, Cesi.... Candid was not agreeing with YOU. ... Look again! She was only trying to placate your defiance and denial and to reel you back to a Connection with the Forum here... God Bless Her. But basically she must be agreeing with me. You are ASKING for advice all at the same time while you are telling us you are some Perfect Saint.

If you want to Fix what is Broke, well, you have to first acknowledge that something is Broken. We are all here trying to point out what is Broken in you.

Listen.

We are only trying to help.

Read all that you wrote back to me... with a fresh perspective, and honestly tell me that you are not stuck in Denial.

If you are Perfect, well, nothing we suggest will help you, will it....?.

Ok Leo,
I said thank you because she supported that I said I'm on the right path with helping myself. I never said I was in denial about the relationship. I said I want to learn more about anger, this is where I stand at the moment. I've taken other paths and recourses now, although they are great at giving the other all definition of anger, I wanted to see HIS perspective a bit differently than my own. Now if you are happy to speak on behalf of candids responses you're more than welcome to. But again, when I explained that I've been in therapy, I read and research as much as I can to better myself, such as the book "the verbally abusive relationship", like I have mentioned, and someone writes if you're on the right path keep moving forward, and writes me an encouragement post I thank her. Candid was also kind enough to suggest I start from the root of his anger..and perpahs see some triggers there.

As for you Leo, honestly you're more than welcome to ignore these post, however I must say I'm getting a better idea of what anger is like just from your own writing. What could possibly make a stranger get aggressive and even seem agitated. Lol I guess you've made yourself pretty clear why you're on this forum to start with. Sincerely, if you have nothing else nice to say, c'mon Leo, don't say it at all. I don't see you as someone who is creditable, or even stable himself so yes, frankly will not take your advice or suggestions. Insight on anger. That is all. Rather than explain to me what you feel like when you get angry, or when people use the express " seeing red" you've posted one comment so far that was decent and was inserting opinions on the relationship, like many have so I accepted that. All your other posts now are useless and counter productive. I would suggest you get some help for your reactions to strangers online. It doesn't seem healthy at all and perhaps why you have these difficulties in your own life. I sincerely WISH YOU all the best, because it seems like you need it more than I do.

it could work like this:

when he feels ashamed or hurt from your comments towards him, which could be simply pointing out some unpalatable truth or mistake, he gets angry and rejects you as a way to avoid facing the truth. a way to not feel hurt & not feel wrong. so rejecting you & telling you he doesn't love you is a way to not feel small, hurt, etc. it's like "taking back your power!". only not a very useful or productive way to go about it.

if this is how it works, it would all be automatic patterns built up from childhood i assume.

as for does he really "love" you or not love you in these moments. well i guess what do you mean by love? in these moments he's probably consumed by the feelings of pain & inadequacy & how to get away from these feelings. there could also be some measure of trying to hurt you in the same way that he feels hurt. he would be consumed by protecting himself rather than thinking about someone else.

so i guess you could say he doesn't love you in these moments, but he is also not thinking particularly rationally in these moments. he would kind of do or say anything to get out of feeling small. not that what people call love is rational either

Thanks you so much Bert! That's exactly why I came here, I wanted to understand the overall anger process. I think you're actually right because when we are fighting about something, and say it was on a subject where the blame is focused directly at him, he will first try to twist, or change the subject, if I don't let that happen and clearly point out the issue again that's when he flips out, I mean so angry. For example he said something that hurt my feelings unintentional, I tell him that's not nice and I felt it was mean, he will twist things on me, maybe even blame me for it, when he feels there's no actually defensive he will BLOW and say, "you know what Cece I can't deal with your sh**!!!" Then leave. So if what you're saying his how he feels, means in the end he doesn't really have the strong self esteem that he shows me. I get angry yes, but usually I just cry instead of scream and fight and break up, but he comes back, and says he was an idiot and doesn't know why he got that mad. Anyways again thanks so much for that explanation, because realistically if it doesn't work out with him, then it doesn't, but I'll probably meet a friend, person or someone else in the future that has anger outbursts, understanding it helps me. I like to understand people in general.

I'm guessing you're not familiar with the Cycle of Abuse, as outlined in Richard's post. Please take note.

Cece431 wrote:Candid was also kind enough to suggest I start from the root of his anger..and perpahs see some triggers there.

Not really, Cece431. I said it was where I would start, as a professional working with a client. I don't ever recommend that partners with their own unresolved issues try to fix each other. There's a natural tendency for people with the same issues to pair up. You know you have attachment trauma, and that's a particular interest of mine. I daresay your boyfriend has it, too -- and sure, it's good to have understanding company on our life's journey, but I don't want your healing to be messed up by a focus on his.

I've seen a number of signs that you're looking at his pathology rather than your own. Again, that's understandable. You love him and you want to help him. Also, to be brutal, it's always easier to look at what's up with someone else.

Candid wrote:A disempowered, abusive childhood [...] can be fixed -- but it has to be acknowledged first.

You've acknowledged your own childhood wounding and are actively working on it. For that, I salute you. You've also acknowledged your boyf's childhood wounding... but he has to see it, too. From the sound of things, he doesn't; he's still in the acting-out stage. That puts you in the position of an enabler. You can feel his pain as well as your own, and that's what hooks you in. You want to be the stable loving figure in his life, and that means you keep taking what he dishes out. He doesn't have to look at his issues, and you get a break from looking at yours.

So... you may well be "100% on the right path", but you've halted out of compassion for someone else. Having to reparent ourselves is tough enough without trying to drag an acting-out toddler along behind. Further along in your healing you'll want to choose a partner who's able to offer you support, as well. In the meantime, a boyfriend who keeps blowing up at you is going to mess with your self-esteem, and you need every ounce of that you can muster.

Of all the major issues that go with attachment trauma, lack of boundaries is a biggie. If you were truly okay with this relationship we'd never have heard of you. If you continue with this guy, you need to be clear on what's acceptable and what isn't. TBH I don't think you're going to be able to do that. You two are going to keep shoving each other into C-PTSD flashbacks.

To sum up: As long as you tolerate his bad behaviour, he has no motivation to pause for a reality check. You're going to be constantly mopping up around him, and that will interrupt your own healing. I have no expectation that you'll see that dispassionately, so I can only wish you strength and courage.

Thanks, but I came here to learn about anger, and see how people with anger issues react to get a better understanding. The reason why I'm NOT discussing in full detail our relationship, or my side of things and so on, is due to the fact that we are in couples therapy, I do see someone regularly for 4 years. With all due respect, do you sincerely believe that I haven't discussed any of this with my phycologist? I'm in great hands, and so I'm not trying to deny, or avoiding fixing my issues, I'm simply avoiding wasting my time on a forum with strangers who feel confident enough without knowing me, or him, or our relationship to make such bold statements. So for the subject of my past trauma and enabling his issues blah blah blah, is not at all why I came here. Maybe many women do, but I save these issues to the professionals I and we see on a weekly basis. I like to learn, as I'm sure you did too candid. And BTW, I spoke to my bf calmly today about his anger, where you made one helpful comment about where you would start. He opened up to me for the first time. We spoke about his brother and father, how it was like growing up it was interesting to learn things he hasn't shared with me in the past, but really what Bert wrote earlier was in fact something that my bf could agree and relate to. It was great to communicate with him on a touchy subject, but time will tell and we will see how couples therapy goes.

The reason why I'm NOT discussing in full detail our relationship, or my side of things and so on, is due to the fact that we are in couples therapy, I do see someone regularly for 4 years. With all due respect, do you sincerely believe that I haven't discussed any of this with my phycologist? I'm in great hands, and so I'm not trying to deny, or avoiding fixing my issues, I'm simply avoiding wasting my time on a forum with strangers who feel confident enough without knowing me, or him, or our relationship to make such bold statements.

Hi again,
I'm not sure what you want us to help you with in that case. We can only go off the information you provide, so perhaps continuing with the couples therapy is the best option for you or both of you? Perhaps realising that online forums can only offer opinions, not facts in future.. Good luck.
Best wishes

Cece431 wrote:Thanks, but I came here to learn about anger, and see how people with anger issues react to get a better understanding. The reason why I'm NOT discussing in full detail our relationship, or my side of things and so on, is due to the fact that we are in couples therapy, I do see someone regularly for 4 years. With all due respect, do you sincerely believe that I haven't discussed any of this with my phycologist? I'm in great hands, and so I'm not trying to deny, or avoiding fixing my issues, I'm simply avoiding wasting my time on a forum with strangers who feel confident enough without knowing me, or him, or our relationship to make such bold statements. So for the subject of my past trauma and enabling his issues blah blah blah, is not at all why I came here. Maybe many women do, but I save these issues to the professionals I and we see on a weekly basis. I like to learn, as I'm sure you did too candid. And BTW, I spoke to my bf calmly today about his anger, where you made one helpful comment about where you would start. He opened up to me for the first time. We spoke about his brother and father, how it was like growing up it was interesting to learn things he hasn't shared with me in the past, but really what Bert wrote earlier was in fact something that my bf could agree and relate to. It was great to communicate with him on a touchy subject, but time will tell and we will see how couples therapy goes.

i don't know if my previous idea was true or not. just my attempt to get inside the head of your man. or search through my own past & look for similarities from myself or others. hopefully it helped. a book called "i'm ok, you're ok" could be a good read. it's not about anger per se, just about the way people relate to each other by "playing games". and how events or lessons in childhood can persist long into adulthood. often to our detriment.

anyways, i thought of another angle.

from what i've experienced, humans have difficulties reconciling the idea that other humans are grey rather than black & white. we tend to cast others as either white or black. i'm not sure quite how we come to that. but when we cast someone as white, we may tend to notice & emphasize their good points & gloss over their weaknesses. when we cast someone as black, the reverse occurs. this is due to one or more of the bias' in thinking common to most humans. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases

so what i think tends to happen in relationships, is that a switch gets flipped which reverses how you see a person. from white to black. this is why you can see such hate getting thrown around after a relationship breakup. this demonising of the other person is a way to cope with rejection. a dishonest way to cast events that allows you to feel good about yourself. "thank goodness i got away from him/her. what a loser. i'm better off without him/her."

another angle is to find out what personality he is based on DISC personality profile or something similar. different personalities tend to cope with issues in predictable ways.

anyways i'm not sure if all that mumbo jumbo helps or hinders haha. but i guess i love to jump on my horse & make up some theories or another. seems fun. hopefully your therapist can give you some more practical advice of steps to take. or you can always take the others advice and ditch him if it seems hopeless. but i do see your point that we're all a bit flawed. there's no point waiting till you're perfect to find someone. just make sure you're not setting up with someone who will hurt you because you think that's what you deserve or something.