Black dog has returned after nearly 12 months away - yet aga

**Posts:** 67 · by **Tenaka** » Tue Aug 27, 2019 11:48 am

Hello all

Here I am again, it's been almost 12 months and the black dog is back. I possibly brought it upon myself by counting down the days until the milestone was reached (last came end of August last year) feeling a little edgy for a week or two until it hit on Saturday with a wake up call at 6am with a full blow anxiety attack followed by anxiousness ever since until I had a little meltdown yesterday and now have the usual depressive thoughts, extreme tiredness, loss of appetite, you know the drill.....

The reason for my meltdown? Both parents are 81 years old, father has vascular dementia, mother recently broke her hip in two places, now won't do what docs and physio telling her in order to get better and as I live about 1/4 mile away I am the first contact for them - and they are very demanding, to the point of 4 phone calls in just 1 hour one to make them a cup of tea

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing things for them when I visit, but it has now become daily after work for about an hour after the carer has been and gone and to do things my mother can do herself but won't. Anyway back to the point, mother fell yesterday and refused an ambulance expecting me and my wife to pick her off the floor but she is not a small lady and we didn't want to make things worse as she was complaing of pain in her hip. Brother came out and called ambulance who took her for x-ray, just bruised, back home for 10:30pm.

Meltdown happened due to various things going on whilst waiting for the ambulance with everyone who was there. I think the stress has been building up over the last few weeks and has also contributed to my woe.

So here I am again, sitting at my desk, foregoing lunch, typing here as a means of therapy I suppose.

Nearly stayed home today, actually phoned work to say I had problems with parents to sort out but came in anyway. Wife wants me to see GP so I guess I will make an appointment today but by the time I get to see them I will hopefully feel a little better (I have upped my meds by a tablet a day as this has worked in the past on doc's orders).

Thanks for reading.... :oops:

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Aug 27, 2019 2:00 pm

Tenaka wrote:The reason for my meltdown?

Anyway back to the point, mother fell yesterday and refused an ambulance expecting me and my wife to pick her off the floor but she is not a small lady and we didn't want to make things worse as she was complaing of pain in her hip. Brother came out and called ambulance who took her for x-ray, just bruised, back home for 10:30pm.

Meltdown happened due to various things going on whilst waiting for the ambulance with everyone who was there. I think the stress has been building up over the last few weeks and has also contributed to my woe.

I have another theory about the cause of your meltdown, but it requires a bit of a clarification.

To clarify;

-1- she refused an ambulance.
-2- your brother came and called an ambulance.

How I interpret the above is that you listened to your mother. You did not call an ambulance, because your mother did not want an ambulance. Then your brother came and he did not care what your mother wanted. He did not listen to your mother.

Is the above roughly correct?

**Posts:** 67 · by **Tenaka** » Tue Aug 27, 2019 5:46 pm

Hello Rich

That is about right. Brother is older and his wife is a care lecturer and said better not to move her and to get an ambulance. So this is what we did. Ido the daily visits but when he comes out he takes over. I called him to help lift mum off the floor but he called ambulance instead

Anyway I did get a GP appointment today and she told me to give more of the caring burden to my brother. He lives 10 miles away so I feel it is my duty as I live so close. Docalso told me I need more sleep and less caffeine as my intake is 4 to 5 cans coke zero sugar and about 4 cups coffee every day

She said I was overloading my stress response mechanism so no wonder I feel so rotten. :cry:

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Aug 27, 2019 6:17 pm

Okay great. Thanks for confirming the details.

I'm going to tell you the actual reason for your meltdown. I will share with you the "root cause" of your suffering. You might not like it, but I think that if you allow yourself to be open that my opinion might possibly be correct, it can help you reduce your stress.

Ready?

You are being a submissive follower, not a leader. Your brother is being a dominant leader. You can respect your parents while not being a pushover at the same time.

If you want to reduce your stress, take charge. You set the rules, not your parents. This is the cycle of life. Parents make the rules for their children, the children hopefully become healthy, productive adults, and then the children are suppose to become the leaders, taking charge of the family.

When the children become the leaders of the community is not always clear. In your case, at age 81 and unable to take care of themselves you are suppose to be the leader, not your parents. You make the rules, not them. If they don't like it...tough...you are the leader. That is not disrespect, it is the way life works.

My guess is that you don't like conflict and that you are stressed because you are submissive to your mother and possibly your father. You jump at each request, because you believe it is your position or role in life to obey your mother.

Talk with your brother about leadership over your parents. Look into transitioning from your current role in the family.

I do not think it an easy thing for you to contemplate. Certainly if you suddenly stop being submissive and start being dominant it will cause a short term increase in stress. It is a significant change, but it is necessary if you want to reduce your long term stress.

The bottom line, the root cause of your meltdown is you. It is your submissive deference to your elderly mother that is causing you stress.

**Posts:** 67 · by **Tenaka** » Thu Aug 29, 2019 11:46 am

Rich, I read your post and you have hit the bullseye. Everything you described is me and my situation to the smallest detail. Growing up I had health issues, and my mother was overprotective, not letting me go out with my friends unless it was in our garden or as far as the end of the street. At the age of 9 this changed but the very first time I went "exploring" with my friends I fell out of a tree and broke my arm, the bone coming through the skin. Cue more protection but not as bad but you get the idea.

Both my mother and her mother "suffered with their nerves" as they phrased it so I guess I have always been destined to be the way I am. Also being the youngest brother, being dominated by my older brother has been the natural order of my childhood, teen and young adult life. At 51 I guess things haven't changed that much but until now I never really thought about it. I just feel guilty if I say no to my parents.

It's good advice now I just have to follow it :wink:

**Posts:** 198 · by **Prycejosh1987** » Fri Dec 11, 2020 4:18 pm

Problems will occur around us while we live in this world, its important to stay strong and love your loved ones as much as you can. Make sure you live a healthy lifestyle, it will help your mental well-being.

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