I really need help loving myself. I've struggled with loving myself since grade school. I'm about to enter medical school and I still beat myself up over a lot of things and I hate it. It's preventing me from enjoying life to the fullest potential.
I really don't want to sound arrogant during this next paragraph, but I have to explain this in order for anyone to understand the picture. On paper, I know I'm a really good guy. I'm about to become a doctor; I've had girls that find me really attractive and my female friends that I'm close with continually tell me they think I'm attractive; my friend's have told me how much they appreciate me as a friend and how much I do for them and support them through rough moments and when they follow their dreams; my parents and my sister keep telling me how proud they are of me and how they always brag about having me as their son/brother to their coworkers and friends; I know I'm also athletic and have a good figure because I was captain of my college's rowing team, I had the fastest on the water and the rowing machine, and people compliment my figure; people have told me how I'm more sensitive about other people's struggles and how I'm very respectful to people who struggle with their sexual orientation or race and I just appreciate cultural diversity in general.
But even after all of this I still beat myself up (not literally, just mentally and emotionally) over everything I still hate everything about myself. I panic when I accidentally upset someone and I try to do everything I can to apologize and make up for it, but a lot of times it pushes people away because it's too much. I panic and get so hard on myself when I talk to a girl I really like. When I get so close to being in a relationship I always botch it and she ends up losing interest because of something I did. I've never had a girlfriend because I keep letting girls from the past who were seriously bad girls harm my self-esteem and confidence and I panic whenever I start something new.
The point of all of this is that on paper, I know I'm a really good guy, but I have trouble accepting that so much. I'm a 22 year old man about to start medical school, I should be at the prime of my confidence, but I can't stop beating myself up and being so hard on myself. Truthfully, I'm holding back tears writing this post because I think about my family and friends and how much I'd disappoint them if they knew how hard I am on myself. I hate myself for the mistakes I've made in the past and I keep letting it prevent me from loving myself and I don't know how to stop. I wish it was like a switch, but it's not. I have this struggle in my mind and I just want it to stop.
I guess the question is, what's the best way to start loving myself or accepting myself?