Mother-In-law lives with us for 12 years... HELP

**Posts:** 5 · by **LongSuffering** » Sun Feb 14, 2016 11:29 am

This situation is getting serious. My wife and I purchased a home 12 years ago. It was not a mother daughter, It was a 2 bedroom home with 1 and 1/2 bathrooms. My wife and I live in the basement (which is finished but very cluttered, We have a bathroom with toilet and sink and a tiny kitchen that has a microwave and a toaster, There are no cabinets, no counters. This little kitchen also has our washer and dryer. When we are ready for bed we climb a v ery steep set of stairs, to the 1st floor (where Mother in law has been living for 12 years) then climb an equally steep set of stairs to our bedroom which is a converted attic.

My mother in law has lived on the first floor of my home since we purchased it. She sleeps in the master bedroom, which is a few steps from the full bathroom, and she has the full kitchen with a stove, dishwasher, my beautiful custome made dinning room table all to herself. Once a month she will have a dinner party and invite people she calls her children, but they are not. One is the son of her husband who left for Greece where he lives but she refused to go. Anyway... She basically has all the things I don't. She also has her things stuffed in every single room in this house. She sits in the living room on the first floor all day. I pay for everything, she pays zero because she doesnt work. She is in her 80's. I am 66 and my wife is 63 and we both still work and put in long hours.

The part that has gotten me really depressed and angry is that when we purchased this house and I saw what my wife and my sister in law were planning I was told that this would be only 5 years and my mother in law would move in with my wifes sister who lives less than a mile away. That has not happened. My sister-in-law has a 30 year old son and 2 years ago she spent some money to split her home up so her son could live there with a private entrance. She wanted him to finish school. He has quit school and tends bar, and as far as I can see will never move out. My sister in laws home is much larger than ours, she has 2 full bathrooms, 4 bedrooms.

At one point she was supposed to make a room for mother in law with a bed and a place for her to be confortable so at least my wife and I could have a little privacy for a day or two a week. She bought a footon, and the mother-in-law stayed there 1 night.

I have lost all hope of ever getting her out of this house. I do not like this woman 1 bit. 4 years ago I had a fed ex package that was supposed to be delivered to my home. It contained some very vital software disks for my work as an IT Manager. Because the company had my name a little off she told the driver no one by that name lived here. By 11am when I didnt have my delivery I asked her if Fed Ex had come. She lied and said no. I called Fed Ex, they told me they had attempted delivery, of course I told them they must be mistaken because my mother in law said there was no sign of the truck. This went on until 5 PM, when I finally spoke to the driver. Understand that I had called and asked my mother in law 3 more times about this delivery and 3 more times she lied about it. Finally at the end of the day the driver was back at the Fed Ex Depot and I got him on the phone. He described my mother in law perfectly. So I confronted her with the truth. She told me that yes she lied to me because she doesnt like people yelling at her. She's insane. 3 weeks ago started yelling at me because some ancient laundry mangle was not where she thought it was. Of course I didnt touch the thing, but saw it had fallen behind her chest of drawers.
I have place to hang even a shirt, her stuff is in every single room of my home except my basement. I want her out of here. I am started to feel guilty for having these feelings towards my wife's mother. But my poor wife doesnt know what to do. She works very hard and I try not to burden her with my feelings about this, but I am not successful much of the time. She wants her gone as much as I do. I just don't know how to get rid of her. I feel like selling this house and moving away, but I am not sure how that would solve our problem. We can't just throw her on the street and expect her to fend for herself. Lately I have been getting so upset of this that my blood pressure gets very high. I think this women is going to live forever and I will be stuck with her until I die.
We (my wife and I) do not entertain or have friends over. She (mother in law) has people over every day. She sits up stairs in my living room, which is a joke because in 12 years I have not once sat in that room to read a book or watch a movie. It's filled with her stuff and its making me truly crazy and hard to live with at times.
I need to find out what our legal responsiblilities our, and if there is any place we can put her, or at least threaten to put her, to get my sister in law to allow her mother to move out of this house.
Every single person that I relay these circumstances to are amazed at how unfair this is. I realize that compared to refugees that have had their homes destroyed and families killed by ISIS are suffering, and my wife and I live in comparitive luxury. It just kills me that this woman did zero to try to build a life with anyone, didnt think about her future, and now my wife and I live in a basement and attic and have a poor excuse for a kitchen. i have given my mother in law 12 years of life living in a nice home, big living room, large master bed room, full bathroom. I have a bucket I have to use if I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It's crazy, and although I tell my wife I will not bother her anymore and rant about this, I do not want to drop it. Tonight I told her that her and her sister have to talk very soon and decide or plan for their mothers future.
Thank you.... I know I probably have repeated myself and the things that drive me crazy every day... believe me there is so much more here that I havent touched on. I don't speak to mother in law at all anymore, and I am sure she must know she is not welcome. I heard her tell my sister in law one day after she took her shopping for 15 minutes.... "You are quite wonderful" What a joke. She's not wonderful. It's her other daughter, Leslie (and myself) that are wonderful because we have sacrificed a home we worked very hard to get so she can live as if she actually prepared for her old age. She did'nt. Twice the entire family had to kick in thousands of dollars to help her pay off her debt. She has to get out of here or I am gonna have a stroke. Any advice would be helpfull.
Thanks
LongSuffering
Elmwood Park, NJ

**Posts:** 10 · by **christina 14** » Sun Feb 14, 2016 12:39 pm

omg

your story is at least terrifying!
What I want to ask you is: what is your wife's opinion and attitude to all this?
Haven't you talked about it as a couple all these years?

Does your wife have a good relationship with her mother?

I suggest you sit down as a couple and have a serious discussion about this.
You must set boundaries to your home first of all.
So your mother in law should be notified that unless she changes her attitude she is not welcome there and must find another home.
Do not delay this confrontation and pile up anger into your heart.
Express yourself and feel confident!
I t is your home not hers.

Speak up and be strong.

**Posts:** 5 · by **LongSuffering** » Mon Feb 15, 2016 12:36 am

Christina, thank you very much for your quick and thoughtful reply. Yes, my wife and I have discussed this situation. Lately we discuss it daily. She is on the same page as I am. The only difference is as I point out to her is that this is her family. She needs to take control of this, sit down with her sister and plan what is going to happen to their mother over the next few years. I jokingly tell her that her mother is going to out live me, but deep inside of me I have a real fear of passing before this situation is rectified. Occasionally my wife will offer up what she thinks is an improvement. For example, "Let's empty out the little bedroom next to her bedroom and move her into that room. My response is "Sorry darling, I want her gone " The kitchen upstairs on the first floor is hers. She cooks constantly, very "aromatic" foods that make the entire house smell. I don't know what she is cooking, but it makes me very ill. My wife has asked her not to cook the aromatic type foods when I am here but that, along with any other request is ignored. She will not keep her hands of of my things. I have this on going battle with her (we used to speak very civily to each other but not a word has passed between us for 2 months) anyway... this on going battle, I will put something somewhere, like I will lay some parts for phones or computers (what my wife and I do for a living) on the day bed in the little bedroom (not her room, she comes in and puts it somewhere else, piled in a corner, stuffed in a drawer. I see she has moved it and I take it all out and lay it on the bed, she puts it away again. I am a musician, and I have an amplifier. She piles things up on top of it which drives me up a wall, I remove it and put it on my custom built pine table. She will put it back on the amplifier. I will finally snap and say "Please, DO NOT TOUCH MY THINGS, DON'T MOVE THEM!" So for a week or so she'll not touch anything, then it starts again. Sorry, mea culpa. I am ranting again.
Here's my hope. My sister in law lives about a mile from here in a house that is larger than this home. It has 2 full bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, etc. About 2 years ago she took a home equity loan to split the home into two separate dwellings. She did this so her son could live there with her, continue to go to school and hopefully find a girl and get married. Her son, my nephew in the beginning was doing quite well in school. I was inpressed with his progress. But then he stopped, because he didnt think he could have the kind of grades he would need to work for NASA. Now he is tending bar, I think part time. He works odd jobs here and there, but i don't see him leaving this comfortable home his mother has made for him. She has created another womb for him to live in. I don't see him doing what it takes to get on his own. He's a very good looking young man with a great physique. No reason on earth he should have a hard time with women. But his relationships all seem to go through the same kind of journey, they begin to get serious, then they start having issues and break up. My wife thinks that all these women come to the realization that he is a mamas boy. He is living with his mother. Despite all her efforts to give her son some privacy and a pseudo home of his own, evenutally the subterfuge crumbles and they see the strings. At that point they all run for cover.
Our plan now is to find out the following;
exactly what our legal responsibilities are

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Tue Feb 16, 2016 9:10 am

What's your gut instinct telling you to do?

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Tue Feb 16, 2016 1:08 pm

Dear Long Suffering....

Are you Serious!?

This Old Girl is in her 80's.

What!? Kick Her Out!? What, has Donald Trump gone to your Head... the Old Girl is a Loser and deserves to be kicked out on the street, where Nature Will Run its Course... well, left on her own, nature would have her die of Natural Causes in No Time at all.

But... is that what you Want?

that is some Mighty Serious Karma. You will someday Get Old. Will you WANT to get tossed out?

Are you Saying that is Matriarch of the Family did nothing her whole life and is owed nothing?

Apparently.

But, between just you and I, I think you should taken out and given a good beating for instigating such a serious plot against your Elders and your Betters.

**Posts:** 10 · by **christina 14** » Wed Feb 17, 2016 4:47 pm

Your wife and her sister hold the key to the solution.
the 2 sisters should sit down and agree that it is totally fair for your wife's sister to undertake her mother's responsibility from now on since you did that for a very long time.
Responsibilities should be equally shared between brothers and sisters.
I do believe everything will work out soon .
Erase death thoughts from your mind completely.
You have many years ahead of you to enjoy life.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Thu Feb 18, 2016 12:20 pm

christina 14 wrote:Your wife and her sister hold the key to the solution.
the 2 sisters should sit down and agree that it is totally fair for your wife's sister to undertake her mother's responsibility from now on since you did that for a very long time.
Responsibilities should be equally shared between brothers and sisters.
I do believe everything will work out soon .
Erase death thoughts from your mind completely.
You have many years ahead of you to enjoy life.

Dear Christina,

Really!? Your Advice is based Purely on Shoulds and Oughts.... Yes, of course everybody "should" behave well and do exactly what they "ought" to do. But the True Situation here is that a Great Many People Don't Do What they Should or Ought. So does everyone just walk away and disclaim any responsibility?

That seems to be what you are recommending. What a Saint you must be. "As it is not really your responsibility, you have every justified reason to just toss the Old Lady into the gutter..." Really!? is THAT your advice.

In This Day and Age, Who ever IS doing the Duty, has Got the Duty. You just can't stop Doing The Duty because you feel screwed that somebody else should be doing it, Who Clearly Isn't.

The Way it works is, If THEY don't do it, even because they Should, well, duh, You Have To... there is nobody else is there. it is not like there Is Universal Health Care and you could just Put her in a Home... the way they used to be able to do in Europe before they had to be Competitive with America, where Winners are Great but the Losers can all just get screwed and die because Nobody Worth anything Cares.... and the Whole World wants to be just like America... well, it would serve them Right if they got their wish...

**Posts:** 10 · by **christina 14** » Thu Feb 18, 2016 5:08 pm

Dear Leo,

I am afraid you misunderstood my words.
I never suggested throwing the old lady into the gutter.
All I said was that his wife's sister must also take responsibility for her mother as well and of course acknowledge the fact that all these years her mother had a good life living in her sister's home.
Her possible moving into her house would also provide a good life for her.

This is not an issue of denying responsibilities rather than a mutual agreement between two sisters regarding their mother's late years.
The big problem in this case was that no boundaries were set which was very unhealthy for the whole family.

**Posts:** 5 · by **LongSuffering** » Sat Feb 20, 2016 1:33 am

Leo; If I had it in me to "throw the old girl out in the street" It would have been done long ago. This woman has had this home almost entirely to herself for 12 years. Yeah, I want her out! I never wanted her to live with us in the first place, and certainly not give up my kitchen and master bedroom living room. She has her stuff in every possible nook and cranny and she can't keep her hands off my things.

No, my problem does not look like one that can be solved. I have a sister in law that will not help and am basically stuck in this situation. I realize that I am not going to get a resolution and the question becomes which one of us will die first. My guess is it's going to be me. Why, because I live in a cellar and attic of my own home, can't entertain. It is a depressing situation, and I am not getting a resolution. You understand there Leo? We worked our donkey off to get this home... and the last thing I wanted was to sit on the side lines while somebody else enjoys this place, and we are living in basement with a microwave and a sink. Jesus... I don't want to go through all this again. How anyone could read this and think that I have done anything but a very good thing so far, a sacrifice... but I want it over.... and it aint happening..... there is no resolve... nothing but more of the same... and half the time depressed half the time pissed off. Nobody in this situation would feel much different and I really think many people would have thrown her donkey out a long long time ago.

I don't have it in me to throw her out on the street, but facing this reality after 12 years of hoping is a bit of a burden and it causes the occasional problem between my wife and myself. We don't argue because she wants her out of her as much as I want her out. We see there is very little that we can do. Her sister is a total waste as far as this is concerned. I have real issues with her, so while I am home, I hear this person I truly do not like walking around above me, cooking all this stuff in my kitchen that I have not used once.... and it's wearing. No one, believe me no one has done more for their in-law and after 12 years... I finally realize that I will have her till she passes or I do.

So I wait.

**Posts:** 5 · by **LongSuffering** » Sat Feb 20, 2016 1:49 am

JuliusFawcett wrote:What's your gut instinct telling you to do?

Julius; My gut instinct? I actually can't answer that. I am not sure if it's because there is no real move or solution. My instinct is to force her to move out and in with my sister in law... but I don't see that happening. This is driving a wedge between me and my sister in law who truly is the one to blame for this entire situation. I am at a loss, but it's a very good question. My gut instinct. I should ask my wife that question.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Wed Feb 24, 2016 1:04 pm

christina 14 wrote:Dear Leo,

I am afraid you misunderstood my words.
I never suggested throwing the old lady into the gutter.
All I said was that his wife's sister must also take responsibility for her mother as well and of course acknowledge the fact that all these years her mother had a good life living in her sister's home.
Her possible moving into her house would also provide a good life for her.

This is not an issue of denying responsibilities rather than a mutual agreement between two sisters regarding their mother's late years.
The big problem in this case was that no boundaries were set which was very unhealthy for the whole family.

Dear Christina,

I know you mean well... I honestly do. But, you Assume the other Sister is behaving Reasonably and in Good Faith... that She would be Perfectly Willing to do her Rightful Duty and perform all of her Required Obligations, IF she only knew them clearly. But, It has been Clear to Me that the Sister is simply Morally Defunct, and find it Far Easier for Herself, and Her Husband and Family (whom I suspect she is Afraid of) to simply lend a Deaf Ear to all of her Sister's Entreaties.

So, going to the Sister has become a Big None Issue here. don't you agree?

**Posts:** 10 · by **christina 14** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 8:16 pm

yes Leo
I think you are right.
Honestly I don't know what would be the best for this man.
His wife for sure has a big saying to the whole story.
But what is causing her to be so inactive all these years?
Fear of her mother?

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:02 pm

christina 14 wrote:yes Leo
I think you are right.
Honestly I don't know what would be the best for this man.
His wife for sure has a big saying to the whole story.
But what is causing her to be so inactive all these years?
Fear of her mother?

Oh, Hi Christina, Well, this is so pleasant,

Oh! You Thought it was a Man? I thought it was a Woman.... all the comments about losing Home Territory just seemed to be from a Woman. Men are used to Not having Any Territory, unless they can wrestle away a Workshop or a Library to Hide Within.

But, Yes, the Unsupportive Spouse, in this Case a Man, would likely Side with His Mother.

The Poor Girl married a Momma's Boy.

Wow! the Poor Thing really Does need to Run for Cover!

But, Christina, what do you think?

**Posts:** 84 · by **hubertkoh** » Thu Mar 03, 2016 12:35 pm

This seems like a major problem for you. I honestly think you have to speak up!

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Sat Mar 05, 2016 12:28 pm

hubertkoh wrote:This seems like a major problem for you. I honestly think you have to speak up!

Dear Hubor,

I love your Generation for their Intransigent Optimism.

YOU THINK that "Speaking Up" will Solve the Problem, or at least set the Process in Motion for Solving the Problem.

But, What if Speaking Up Only Makes It Far Worse?

The Ancients thought that Silence Was Golden for a Reason... if you can imagine.

When a Person demurs in Silence, and lets Everyone Else's Say Go, well, these Wise Individuals are Never the Blame for Anything, are they?

but let them Speak Up and they become just another Partisan Combatant in the Fray just like all the other Angry People duking it out.

Oh, you might Object, that Maybe Everyone would have Stopped and Listened to the Sterling Clear Advice of our Particular Troubled Soul, and it would have been Solved Right There. Well, yeah, Assuming that all of Those Involved have PHD Degrees in Chilling Out, Taking It Easy, and Watching Which Way the Wind Blows! But that is clearly Almost Never the Case, is it. Ordinary People, without Advanced Degrees in Chilling Out Taking It Easy and Watching Which Way the Wind Blows, well they Invest Themselves in their Arguments. They Must Win, and the will Deeply Resent anybody who makes them appear to Lose. Just Look at the American Presidential Race.... does that Convince you that People are in any way Reasonable?

the Best Advice for people in Contingent Relationships... where each Party has the Option to Call it Quits... and often this includes Marriage!... by Modern Standards. Well, the Best Advice is When Thing Turn Ugly, RUN, don't Walk, out the door. Send your Big Burly Bothers to go and pick up your 'Stuff'.

When things get Too Ugly, well, that Means it is Time to Move On.... even if nobody else realizes it. Hey, your Announcement may provide some bit more of Interesting Drama for all the Others to latch on to. Well, Everyone Else will be so , well, 'glad' in their own Way.... you could see it by the Crazed Look in their Eyes.

Mother-In-law lives with us for 12 years... HELP

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