My story and update

Hey everyone, I just feel tonight like writing about my journey might be a bit therapeutic.

Many of you know my story. But I'll go over it again. A little over 2 years ago I was in alot of ways at the top of my game. I was athletic, and highly engaged in life. Job, girlfriend, social life, life was good. But it also wasn't. I was hard on myself, and had a case of perfectionism. I was also in too much debt. Controllable, but enough to be stressful. Then I experimented with weed. I was a health nut, and wanted to see if I could replace booze with cannabis. Unfortunately i did not know my limit, and i used too much weed in the course of 3 months. Cue my panic attack and then the complete spiral into this anxiety disorder known on here as PAWS.

Year 1 was exceedingly rough. My symptoms were so bad I thought I was going to die everyday. Yet obviously they weren't so bad, as I managed to somehow keep working. I needed alot of help from my girlfriend. Most of the year was spent trying to find solutions, freaking out, and being utterly confused by my condition. When Covid came along I was grateful, because I was able to spend more time at home resting.

Year 2 I accepted this as an anxiety disorder of some kind. I joined the DARE group where I learned about accepting and allowing my bodily sensations. It was hard, but I learned how to begin to just relax my muscles, "go spaghetti" as we like to say in the group, and just go along for the ride. Alot of my symptoms calmed, but some other strange stuff happened in my body that year that also freaked me out. I had a few momentary blink outs that still make me wonder if I had a seizure of some kind. I had a real jittery feeling in my body. Generally though my symptoms calmed more. Probably my biggest improvement was the slowing of my anxious thoughts into something more normal.

Now here I am in month 26. There are some things that just seem "stuck" with me. It's my fuzzy head mostly, and my vision still seems DP/DR like (I have a hyper sensitivity to my peripheral vision, visual snow, after images, etc). I also still see flashes of light sometimes as I drift off to sleep,and hear / feel snapping sounds in my head. All of this stuff has gone on for so long that I know it's benign. My focus is good generally, and I'm doing ok in my life overall. Alot of my debt has been paid, I bike to work everyday. Of course no weed. I'm socializing and living I think a fairly normal life.

I guess I'm just footnoting where I am. Will I get better? Who knows. Lately I have had less bodily zaps (I'm grateful, it was like touching static electricity) and I often think back to when I had tinnitus for 5 months, which has completely left me. Lately my muscles are spasming alot less too. So maybe my brain is still healing. Whats really helped me is the DARE group, finding meaningful activities to get me through the days, meditation, and a kind attitude towards myself.

I want to say for those early on, it will undoubtedly improve. About 7 months in I was praying for God to just end my life already rather than torturing me. He didn't. Instead I've only gotten better since then. So will it be with you.