I think I have a story which is unique

I have a story which is different. Everybody who is depressed feels that nobody can relate to them – and that is what makes them feel so isolated – but truly, what I have experienced is so unusual that I really do think I am all alone in it. I am writing this so somebody other than me knows what has happened. I just want someone to know.

I used to be a happy and productive person. I had a successful and rewarding career teaching at the college level and have helped many young people turn their lives around. I backpacked around the world for two years before it was fashionable to do so, have lived in many cultures, and have had many unique life experiences. I was the person who never let obstacles get in my way; for example, I was in a major car accident when I was 26 in which I was told I would never walk again, but a year later I was whitewater rafting and mountain climbing. I was the person who was always the inspiration to others, who others wanted to emulate. I was actually a very genuine motivational speaker for awhile too.

But it’s almost as if God, or the universe – whatever you want to call it (that’s another debate!) – said OK, you think you are so strong? You think you are so evolved?... well, then try THIS on for size. And at each occasion when life handed me lemons I made lemonade out of them, approaching things with a positive attitude and with humor. But all that did is make life “up the ante,” so to speak, as if to say... OK, you handled that one better than anyone could have imagined... now get past THIS. And after years of relentless pounding on my soul, life has truly beaten me down to the point where I really don’t have any reason to keep on going. I give up.

OK, some details... here are a few of the thousands of things that have beaten me down. And this is only a small sampling, not even 1% of all the painful things I have experienced.

My father committed suicide. My sister was killed in a car accident. My wife (and soulmate) was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer at age 37 (stage 4 is the stage after it has spread to other areas of the body). I was in two tornados (two years in a row), one of which significantly damaged my house and only my house (it touched down on my house and then left the state). And while I was distracted taking care of my wife during her cancer, my business partner (and best friend, or so I thought) embezzled every penny I had out of a joint business venture had together, leaving us destitute.

The car accident I was in at 26 (mentioned above) involved a major head impact. Although I did have an incredible recovery given that I was told I may never walk again and, as mentioned above, I defied my doctor’s expectations, the consequences of this head impact were still significant. I have lived with traumatic brain injury since then, similar to what happens to football players who take one too many hits to the head. I am in constant pain, have an overwhelmingly difficult time sleeping, and am barely able to function on many days. Everything that can be done for me medically has been done, both with conventional and alternative medicine. It is how it is.

I actually look and act completely normal and quite healthy – you wouldn’t know there was much wrong if you met me -- but I am in constant, agonizing pain, and it is pain that cannot be treated by drugs. You have to have pain from a brain injury to really understand pain that is not affected by drugs.

One of the worst parts of the traumatic brain injury I live with is that is makes it exceedingly difficult to interact with others. Many interactions with people cause me to get very “animated,” for lack of a better word, with my adrenaline flowing like I am in fight or flight mode. It leaves me totally exhausted and can take hours or sometimes even days to recover from. It is somewhat easier if I am interacting with someone who has a calm “energy” to him or her, but even then it is still very difficult.

And I kid you not... I have hundreds of things more like those described above that has happened to me, many of which are even more incredible than the ones mentioned above. These are just the ones that were the quickest and easiest to explain.

What a strong statement that is... that the things mentioned above are not even the most difficult life challenges that have I have faced. But this is true. I rarely share all of it with anyone because it is so unbelievable that people usually don’t know how to respond. Everybody has things like this happen to them eventually, it’s part of life. But nobody has things like this happen to them on a constant basis – at least not that I have ever heard of -- year in and year out. Except me, apparently.

I could give more examples of what has beaten me down (that is, I could list out the other 99%) but all that is going to do is make this into an even longer essay than this already is. Just multiply what I described above by 100... and then you’ll understand where I am at.

Can you imagine the isolation and loneliness of this all? I have always been the person who bounced back from the impossible but everyone has a limit. I am only human and there is so much I can take. And the adrenaline issue described above makes it even more isolating because it is hard to interact with people who might want to help. My wife was my main source of support but the cancer took that away.

I am so very depressed, a man who has been beaten down by life. I give up.

Thank you reading this, I just wanted somebody to know. Please don’t feel like you have to give me some piece of helpful advice; I am further into this process than this short explanation might make it appear and I probably have already done it. Please just let me know you have read this and keep me in your thoughts. Please remember me.