judgements on whores aside...
I am a young adult and have used an older gentleman's void to fill my bank account.. I saw him once a month for almost 3 years. Before him there was one other man..a sugar daddy I guess. The older gentleman I was a muse to, not all that physical..hand holding, kissing..but it was more pecks. I guess I could get counselling and have these memories not associated with degrading mental thought.. constantly refer to myself as a whore for these isolated interactions, I should be thankful, they got me and my little one out of quite dreary circumstances. Ive recently looked into hypnosis or there was systematic disassociation. What else is there? What are the downsides? Can I just associate these two men with positives..with the sugar daddy can I displace those..5? incidents and call them a drink over dinner? For the older gentleman I loved..well actually I hated, but part of getting the perks was to fake it with lots of texts and phone calls, but I still have frustrations about me as a person.. he had a void he needed to fill.. wife of 60 years passed, he was an interesting character.. but maybe block out the kissing or the texting..I don't know.. I'd like to be happily married someday with my current child, and these memories kind of really hurt. Maybe make them distant blurry memories.. I also don't know who to go to... I've isolated myself, because I have an extremely influenced personality and friends usually ends up drinking or otherwise..so I keep to myself, I work hard, homeschool, etc. Also feel a little lost personality wise.. like when I go see someone I start molding myself..even with my daughter, I do more what everybody else wants..and then internally get angry at them because I don't speak up...har har.(lack of communication and I get anxiety when I think my words are going to hurt someone..and if I think about it too much, I usually end up crying. I lack a boatload of confidence..and everything else that a normally functioning social human being needs.. I cant do a psychologist..can a hypnotist or disassociate professional help with these issues without having to get to know me or 'pick me apart?'
You might wonder why I am not just seeing a therapist to talk it out.. well.. I was involved with CAS from 5 on, and have had quite traumatic experiences with telling people things... my mom used to put things in my head one of them being that my dad was sexually abusive and bribed me and when I told CAS everything blew up(she was trying to get child support i think, he had money)..I was 7 at that time...yea really messed up manipulative mother, father is gone, no real absolution, my childhood memories are pretty much black I remember one or two christmases..Hey maybe it was true. My memory is pretty good from 17 on. Ive been offered by a hypnotist to bring up those memories, but I figure theres a reason they are blank..if I really want to know, Ill do it when I'm 50 and blame the mental breakdown on menopausal mid life crisis