xscreen wrote:I relate to this post so much. I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts about a similar experience when I was in my teens. This happened when I was 15-16-17 I can't really recall exactly how old I was (that kinda freaks me out) and the other person involved was way younger than me. Happened during like a wrestle or something I can't really remember how, but it ended up in some rubbing that up until this day disgusts me. The other person didn't even know this occurred because it was during a game. No threats or force were involved.
The memories hit me up all of a sudden and to be honest, I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to make of them. Sometimes I still believe I was an abuser and that is debilitating. The fact that I can't remember everything clearly makes everything worse. OCD makes you wanna have control over everything but you can't control thoughts. They can pop up whenever/wherever and they are not even complete, so you fill up the holes with the worse ideas. "What if?"
I just started with antidepressants (sertraline) to deal with anxiety/OCD and I'm having therapy sessions. My therapist says it's somehow normal to engage in that type of behavior when you are exploring sexuality but I'm still troubled about the age thing. I guess we all develop differently and we need to understand that we cannot analyze things that happened years ago when we were young with an adult mindset. I just came here to tell you that you are not alone, it's damn hard sometimes but you are not a bad person. I hope you get the help you need.
Hi there. I am a 34 year old female. With a similar situation. When I was around the age of 12 I acted inappropriately while babysitting on two separate occasions. It was never preplanned. I was and have never been attracted to children. I have basically suppressed these memories until about two months ago and now it has consumed me. I don’t understand how I could have not thought about it all these years. I sometimes wonder whether it really happened or was a dream/what I was thinking. Both were with little children around 1-2years. The first situation I was holding the child and placed their hand over top my privates. I just wanted to know what it would feel like. The second situation I struggle to know if it indeed happened because the memory is so fuzzy and lacks details. But basically after I had changed the child I wanted to know what it would feel like to press myself against them.
I’m a very loving and good person. I’m a wife and mother and would never dream of hurting anyone. But these thoughts absolutely disgust me. But I keep telling myself that my 12 year old self was someone who was curious and didn’t know proper boundaries. My intentions were never to hurt anyone. And thank god the children were little and have no memory.
I sometimes wonder if my own experiences effected my boundaries. When I was 9/10 a family friend exposed his genitals to me. And then right around the age of 12 I was exposed to pornographic material.
May I ask how old the children were? And which country do you live in? I’ve wanted to talk to someone but I fear the therapist would have to break confidentiality and report me.
I started setraline 2.5 weeks ago and it’s been absolutely awful. Now on 50mg. I am in a panic almost all day. The insomnia (probably due to the anxiety and constant pure OCD) has been awful and I’m having to take 25mg of Trazodone to sleep. I still wake periodically in a panic. Appetite is totally gone and I’m so nauseous. I hope it gets better soon.