Thanks, changing. You are right. I do relaise there are times when I will not even defend myself, and give up the name of the real 'offender' or person to blame, only because I instantly think of how the other person will feel, even tho they are responsible for what happened. Like my hubby was dismayed to see that his precious crystal glass set had one missing. I couldn't speak up and say that his brother had broken it, along with some others! Now everyone thinks I broke it bcos I didn't pack it well enough when moving...
I just feel that I have been seasoned to put others first, and even if I do think about myself, I just don't have the guts to do anything about it! One scenario from yesterday( I have several things for every single day!): I had gifted my BIL/SIL a big food processor for them to use when they were in another state for a short-term project. She broke the jar, threw away the whole box, and when it came up in conversation yesterday, my MIL knew nothing about it. My SIL quickly changed the subject. We have done so much for them in the past, monetary , moral and every other way. We have supported them when money was tight, when they had health problems, took them in when they were out of a job for a year and a half. Plus everything we do as a bigger family now - its a whole household we run together (And let me not forget, for some reason, we are paying all the bills, except the mortgage that we split!!)
Now, I am not one to say ' I gave her this, that, and the other'. But surely she shouldn't be trying very consciously to avoid letting anyone know. After everything we have done and given them. My MIL rigidly stays by her side, for what reason, I do NOT know. Because she is a lazy, conniving, mean lady - I don't know how I can go on living with these people knowing every minute that I cannot trust anything they say or do!
Yesterday, I was at work from 6.30 to 6.30. I cooked dinner, cleaned out the kitchen, did the dishes, while managing my laundry on the side, going up and down the stairs, and she is out in the garden just talking to her parents, on the swing, pretending to keep busy watering the plants( we have sprinklers, for god's sake). Then my MIL says she wants to go out, and she tells me cos she knows only I would take her at 8.30pm! They USE me!! They HURT me! Anyways, active me, takes them out to store, returns at 10.00. Husband walks in now. I am busy trying to lock all doors, windows, etc, brush my teeth , change, get ready to go to sleep. Of course I dodn;t even have the time to take a short walk in the whole day. And even as I get some food ready for lunch the next day, now my SIL is busy playing with her kid(awake till late due to vacation). SO its not like I can say anything here bcos she is busy doing something, but I am doing all the hard work here! And then she will place her words carefully to squeeze her name in wherever she can to say she did something, etc.
Today in my lunch break, I go to the Post office, the bank, get milk, bread the basic stuff from a grocery store. Then when I go home, same old story, and I am dead tired at the end of the day. Of course, I have no time for my husband or myself. Nials/Hair done, shopping, exercise, etc are all part of another world!
My fault is I have never dealt with stubborn lazy, biased people before, and I have never felt the need to toot my own horn, ever, don't know how, and I am a generally quiet person. So I wouldn't go around the house complaining about a little backache, etc. If I could tell you how much my MIL has hurt me with her words, and her treatment towards me. She wants to "Divide and Rule". Makes sure she gets what she wants from each one of us, with us trying to be in her good books.
With every lying, taking credit, twisting/omission of facts event, I am shocked at the extent to which my SIL will go without any regards for my existence or my feelings. How anyone can be so self-centered is beyond me.
My husband just took up a new job close to the new home, and its with a heavy heart that I accept the fact that I am stuck in this house for the longest time. I am such a timid person(and I am not proud of it) that I can only cry about something or the other everyday. I also hate thinking that I am in this position where people manipulate me and attack me all the time. I don't have the guts to speak up to defend myself. I always decide in my angry moments that I will speak up the next time. But its only later that I even know what I could have said, etc. At that time, I am speechless. I used to crave their approval and their acceptance, but now I just want to be able to live in peace.
Sorry this is so long. If you did get so far, please tell me what kind of counseling I should seek, as in who should I see - a therapist/psychologist??
By the way, I am also seeing a doctor because I am having trouble conceiving, been married seven years now, and I think thats just making me feel even worse.
So, thanks for letting me unload, and as I have promised before, I shall try to summon up the courage to speak up for myself. I have always been very confident and a real go-getter. I hate this family for making a mouse out of me. I know a lot of you must think I must have done something to have incurred their disapproval. The truth is I don't flatter or sweet-talk, and I don't sit down and bitch about the world. I can do any amount of work, I am always enthusiastic about everything, no matter how tired I am. I am always ambitious about getting the most out of every day. And I know who I am and what I want, I just can't express it well. And for that they have out-lawed me!
Well, thank God this post is done with for today. Of course, I could write a whole new novel, but I am tired, and I gotta get back to work, break's over!
Thanks for listening again.