I’m 21.5 years old. I used to be a heavy smoker of marijuana until recently. I discovered after I quit smoking, a lot of shame and memories that were previously suppressed came flooding back. This is one that has been bothering me I’m particularly ashamed of.
When I was 19, I was working in New York for the summer. I had an internship. I was so lonely with no family or friends. I don’t think I knew it at the time but I was depressed. My sex life was nonexistent during that time despite my efforts. I started looking into Asian massage parlors.
One day after work I mustered up the courage to go. The parlor promised “full service”. I had cash on me but when the time came it turned out I needed a little more. I used my debit card to pay, and for some reason they needed to take a copy of my ID (I gave them my fake) with the payment. My dumb a** gave it to them and had protected, bad sex with the masseuse.
Immediately after I left I felt like sh** but I managed to suppress the bad memory for the most part. Now, 2 years later, I can’t get it out of my mind. IM SO DUMB. Even though the statute of limitations for the act has passed and I couldn’t be charged for it, I keep thinking of the copy they took of my fake ID. I keep thinking that one day, it will see the light of day and I’ll be exposed as the POS I am. I feel like I can never do anything too public in life, because if I do I will be exposed. I look around and think what my friends or family would think of me and I feel like trash.
Even when I manage to stop thinking about it for 30 minutes, it rushes back and I feel so anxious and ashamed. Sometimes I just walk with my head down. Because I know there’s no way out of this, what’s done is done, and I have no control over whether that photocopy sees the light of day. I haven’t told anyone about this and I really don’t know how to deal with it.