I'm 30-something woman and I'm still struggling to put my past behind me.
I made a lot of bad choices in my 20s. I partied way too hard and was pretty much an alcoholic. I can't even remember how many times I embarrassed myself in front of my friends&family by passing out, throwing up and being just an absolute nightmare when drunk. I could have done some much more in terms of studies and career if had a more normal mind set back then.
Looking back, drinking was my way to overcome my social awkwardness (only to make it worse) and depression. Growing up, I was always a quiet, lonely girl with no social skills who desperately wanted to have friends. Alcohol helped me to be more relaxed in social settings, however, I was abusing it to the point where I even took pride in how much I was able to drink. I am actually quite a tiny person but was able to drink way more than most men - and I thought I was so cool.
Fast forward, I have finished my studies and have a steady job. I'm healthy and haven't been drunk in years. I live abroad and was able to start fresh. My new colleagues and friends respect me and generally find me smart, kind, and responsible - and this IS who I am. I want to be the best version of myself and have made a lot of changes in the way I think and behave. That being said, I still struggle with my past. Whenever I visit home I feel so ashamed of my past. I always feel they still think of me as a train-wreck. When someone says "remember when we /you were partying ..." I want to disappear. I blush and start studdering. I'm about to go home, and as much as I love my family and friends, I am already dreading these conversations again.
How can put this behind me?