by CandyApples » Wed Mar 04, 2020 5:08 am
Hello,
as you know, it is very hard to decipher things via text/computer, lets agree on that, because I think face to face this would be alot easier.
While I do over all seem much more perky on the surface, I do not hide how I feel on the inside. I try to slowly introduce people around me to it, in order to try and avoid any hurt feelings on either end, but Im finding people do not get when you say things "generally and casually'". I then tried being blunt, and that turns into a argument. So Im not sure how to approach people that yes may not be on my list of like. I do not distain those people I just, hmm much like a rabbit befriending a wolf, both animals, but from two different worlds, it doesnt fit most of the time. (times it does in our wonderful world of nature but) over all its not good cake mix. Prior I tried to mix and mix and came out on the losing end. I no longer wish to do that because I felt partly I lost things i did hold dear, by trying to mix with people or things that just took took took and didnt give, physically, emotionally situationly (is that a word), etc.
I do not hate humanity at all. I just do not trust humanity, and always cautious, sometimes that turns into paranoia, which then turns into anxiety, etc,etc. My ethics class in college our professor taught us each being is intrinsic. I agree. He also went back and forth on the nature of humanity and what was nice about him, was as white lighted as he was, he too understood behind every set of human eyes is the potential to harm, etc. I aced every one of his tests.
While you choose to ride into battle and see victory and the people you are saving, I chose to see the battle, the lives lost, the towns on fire AND the lives that were saved. The yin and the yang, which then MY issue is mine is unbalanced at the moment and a lil jaded.
Why? Not because Im what you stated above as a solid tattooed label, it is because my thing that almost broke me has shut the light out of my world. This is heartache, this is grief....this is the price you pay for loving someone and something soo much. Its terrifying. Soo I take the one other thing I hold just as dear, and hold it a little tighter, and that world I once walked in almost as easily as you, just seems like a bunch of sharks circling the boat and my job every minute of my day, is to make sure those sharks never get in. Because the world is full of good and bad. I have not met one person that didnt have a fear that affected their daily life in some way shape or form.
My sis in law and wolf pack form was how I was feeling at that moment. I do not feel much of it now, at all actually. What happend was the pot of the lid boiled over, my feelings intensified into those few moments on those few posts, and then I got it out, stepped back and moved on. ( And talked it over with him). I just -was heard, and then I told myself I do not want to ever be that person who gets so mad over that or other ppls actions in that regard bc I can not change it and I dont want to. So I made a promise to myself that he can grow how he wants, what matters is his happiness (mine too) bc when he dies I do not want to be the reason why he missed out on something. I want to learn to be stronger within myself to let that happen and to not let things like at affect me as much as long...as my space is respected. (as in ok you want those specific ppl, go for it, doesnt mean I need to be around it all the time). My other issue is resentment, there is alot I gave up that I wish I didnt, I wish I had more time with my dad, I wish I would of said more things, did more things, maybe if I would of been there that night...I wish I could of known better...just soo much resentment and rightfully that is going to take many forms and time to get over. And not just with him, alot of things.
Much like an abused dog who gets adopted. That dog is going to growl in a corner at people-people who wont hurt him, but he doesnt know it, in his reality people mean pain. The hand that offers him food, he may bite, because in his reality a arm extended means a hit. It takes time, its a process for that dog to trust and heal. There is no magic wand, you cant snap your fingers and say oh Ive seen this a million times, just give up on that dog. Allow the process, let him growl and snap, understand its meaning and for him the here and the now is very real. This is my healing ,my process, to get everything out, explain it and feel it as much as I can, bounce it off others who can see above it,and go from there. A few days of people telling me their wisdom is just not going to make things go away. telling me "change" isnt a magic spell. You know that. And I dont know anyone on here from adam, so I take everything with a grain of salt until I feel I know better.
on a better note, I have made friends. Im not out, not too. My boss and I are actually going out friday. Her and I automatically clicked and I finally committed into doing someting. Thats how it works for me, we click right away or if not, you take the time for me to let my walls down and then itll be ok. You try to plow through it and its a problem.and..alot of ppl try to plow through it like a bull in a china shop. Another friend is another mom at school---she has 2 kids, very easy for me to get along with her vs the younger ppl in my life with no kids. Its just cake mix and not forcing things.
Im not trying to be mean to Candid, but she comes off as very straight forward, a little brass, a little aggressive/sarcastic in some posts? While she is not a bad person and prob has a heart of gold, its that personality much like my sis/bro in law, that is the wrong recipe for me. Im trying to process my reactions in general to that type of personality and am trying to, with Candid for example not get so rilled up, and keep calm and let it go, and try to understand. I feel thats ok for me to acknowledge what doesnt work and fight to make sure I do not become a doormat anymore or suffer from things, where its a two way street.
Your free to not offer more perspective to me if you wish. I like perspectives, I just felt at one point on here with everyone it was getting beyond that.