Dealing with anger and venting

I have some anger issues, but nothing you'd know about if you met me or lived with me. Because I never or rarely act out on it. But everything seems to frustrate me. I never talk about it, I have issues with communication. But I do vent, sometimes in a diary, or as of late, to one of my best friends, as she gets me.

To note, I grew up with absent parents spent one year living with my sister when I was 5/6 or so, spent another year when I was 7/8 with my cousins, and we moved around a lot until I was 12. My parents raised me to be independent and self-sufficient, I flew alone when I was 10. I didn't have a lot of friends as I was always the one people picked on and bullied so I resorted to imaginary friends. Even when I was older, and to this day, I have imaginary worlds (almost schizoidal, I hate interacting with people most of the time, my imagination is better). I know it's not real, but when I'm alone (maybe a fear of being alone?) I'm always in a fantasy world, where I'm with other people, doing other things, and not in reality. When I was in high school, I hung around people just to make everyone (parents, teachers) happy that I was a regular social teenager, when every time they'd come over for sleepovers, I'd go be by myself the moment they fall asleep and do my own sh**.

When I was like 14 someone caught me talking out loud to my imaginary friends, so I kept it in my head ever since. I think being raised this way has made me have very bad interpersonal communication. I also had extreme social phobia at one point, couldn't even order pizza on the phone, had to write down everything I'd say, and all possible questions and answers.

I could honestly live alone, with no human interaction. Until recently I either lived with roommates that were mostly absent/kept to themselves or in one instance, my best friend, whom I can tolerate because we both just do our own thing, even if in the same room and just occasionally have some interaction, it's not constant.

A couple of months back, I met my current roommate, we moved in together. And that's when I realized that living with someone that needs constant socialization drives me up the wall. She always needs to talk, walks in when I'm in my room, talks when she knows I'm doing something. But then other stuff started happening. Before we moved in I told her that keeping lights off is a big deal for me, she said no worries. She always keeps all the lights on, forgets to turn them off. The stove was left on once burning a pot of mine to the point we couldn't use it. Almost burnt the house down. Oven was left on overnight. She left the house unlocked on at least 5-10 occasions. That's a huge deal-breaker.

Now, once in a while, a few of these things wouldn't be a big deal, but when they are regular occurrences, I get frustrated. I bring them up, it's not like I don't, sometimes I joke about it so she doesn't think I'm attacking her, like 'oh, I see you left on the bathroom light on just for me' 'yeah, I was so thoughtful'. She also invades my personal space, she would wake me up in the morning to ask for favors. I'm asleep. I don't want to be woken up. like she'd need a ride and I have this app on my phone for cheap rides, and she'd be like, well do you want me to be late for work and then not get rent money? Guilting me, but it's her fault she wasn't up on time to catch the bus.

I've done nothing but be nice to her, I've helped her with rent once and will again this month because she doesn't have enough. She had nowhere to go when she met me, and if it wasn't for me, she'd have probably moved back home (her words). I've done nothing but help and be nice to her. Now, here's the thing, I have some anti-social tendencies. I generally don't feel remorse/guilt, so I do stuff without thinking about the consequences. I don't think about how it would make the other person feel, because I don't feel what you're supposed to feel when you realize that it's a bad situation, it doesn't cross my mind, I just do. And I also have just about all the co-morbidities that come with being anti-social from what I've understood (anxieties, depression, impulses, substance issues, bpd, subtly histrionic - not acting obvious about it, like flirty or whatnot, but doing things to make other people like me more, occasional sadism). I don't think I'd fall into the category of say sociopath or something, because I do feel empathy, extremely, like I can tell how you're feeling most of the time without you telling me, especially if you're frustrated or angry or upset and act like you're not. People are usually surprised that I know how they're feeling and can read them like a book whereas I get complaints that no one can read me, ever. Never know what I'm feeling or thinking.

Anyway, every time I'd get frustrated, I'd vent to my friend, now she knows I'm not serious, that I just need to express my anger so I don't act it on to my roommate. My roommate decided that I was acting strange, avoiding her quite a bit (so I don't act out my anger on her, as it had gotten a bit too much at that time, so I left the house more often), and she decided to read texts on my phone, and discovered some bad stuff I said. She flipped out, said she'd call the cops, and was worried and her friend would call them if she doesn't hear back from her within an hour. All because she talked to me about suicide (knowing my ex was suicidal and ended up in the hospital after we broke up) and I vented how if she mentions suicide to anyone else, again, I'm gonna get ideas. I meant I'm gonna call for help, or even do something myself because being around suicidal people makes me not want to live, makes me feel sh**. We finally talked it out, I said that it's just something I say in a moment of anger to stop myself from yelling at her or just having a breakdown, cause I've had those before, and I avoid them now.

Anyway, after a while she decided that everything was going to work out, she said I could keep talking to my friend and that things will be fine. She said I was the nicest person she knows, no one's ever treated her like I have, and she realized what a good person I was, etc... I mean, all I did was help her, I never manipulated her in a bad way. Ever. Everything seemed like back to normal. I toned down my talks with my friend, but I did occasionally tell her when I was irritated (but not how it made me want to act), cause she started doing things on purpose to irritate me, I don't know if she wanted me to act out, or if she wanted to see what I'd say to my friend. One day she was poking me, like in an annoying way, saying 'poke, poke,' and making noises and calling my name and I knew she was doing it on purpose, and I got so frustrated, that I was like, jeez, makes me want to strangle her. I meant that figuratively. Not like I really want to, just that she was doing things on purpose that I don't like. So, I didn't know that she went in my room, got on my computer and read all these messages, I forgot I even said that, cause I just vent/rant and forget about it.

Days later she sat next to me, when she came home, I was working on a project for school and had a movie in the background, but I was engrossed in my work, and she starts poking and goes 'does this bother you? does it distract you?' 'yes it does, I'm trying to focus here' and she kept at it, and held her finger there, so I got irritated and just stopped what I was doing until she stopped. Then she said what she felt like watching next, and we started another movie, 20 mins in she said she had to make a call. fine. then she wanted a bath (40 mins), then went to her room and stayed there a while, and I had the movie paused, waiting for her to get back, right as I started something else as I figured she'd never come back, she comes out and is like, lets finish the movie. Like she purposefully left, had me waiting, and then came out just as I had settled with something else.

The day after she brought up that she saw my messages, and was ready to call the cops at any moment and her friend has copies of the conversations on a government computer, if I want to kill her. honestly, at this point, what the heck? Do you really think I want to kill you? Jeez. Anyway, we talked about it, and even though I was ready to move out right that instant, which is really not feasible as I have no money and no way to move all my furniture and other crap, I decided to try and make it work. Oh and to note, I have community service currently because my ex and me were caught shoplifting. So she was like, I wanted to call your probation officer and have you in trouble, but I didn't, I did you a favor. and then constantly acted like I owed her, and that if I didn't do what she said, she's gonna crush my life. I have one month left before I can do early termination so I really want to not **** up. I don't know how to act on some of those things, like the past two nights she whined about me going to bed early, even though I stated I have to be up for school at 730, and today I had a final. And she acted like it shouldn't matter.

So we're seeing a psychologist about this in about a months time. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells now, what do I do in the meantime? I tried my hardest to make her understand that I don't hate her. I really don't, it's just that when I'm frustrated, the worst goes through my head. Have I acted on any of the things I've said in text? Nope. Never have. I've done nothing but be helpful to her, and treat her right. She says I've treated her better than anyone has her whole life. But she doesn't buy the whole 'it's just an in the moment thing' I really hope that a psychologist will know I'm being sincere when I say that, and that I don't want to strangle her or anything, that it's a figure of speech. How do I get her to know I'm being serious? She thinks there's some ulterior motive, and maybe there's one I'm not aware of, but I don't know how to even think of it because nothing comes to mind. I say a lot of things just because, not because I think anything of them. Is this normal or do I have some secret agenda that I haven't figured out yet?

What should I say to the therapist and how is that going to go? I've just never really done that before, and am not sure what to expect. I've been to a therapist for ADD and social phobia but not this.