How do I stop acting?

**Posts:** 1 · by **Frankie1** » Sun May 29, 2016 6:35 pm

I find that due to my non-existent self-esteem I'm never truly myself with anyone. I put on Oscar-worthy performances for everyone I ever interact with - including doctors and therapists, which impedes my treatment. I assess what I think a person expects from me and give them exactly that:

With work friends I'm jolly and nonchalant
With my mother it's too complex to describe but I can never bring myself to actually share anything important. I'm helpful much of the time.
With my lovely doctor (who feels oddly like my best friend) and is doing her best to treat my anxiety through all sorts of creative methods, I can never tell her the true cause of my anxiety because it'll ruin the quietly confident character I've built up with her.
With my sister I'm matter-of-fact and quiet
With the very rare men I'm attracted to I become a clever smiley charm machine. That one's particularly exhausting to keep up - I can only do it in short bursts.
With my former best friend from high school it's the worst - I revert to my high school persona

Worst of all is that my first encounter with said person 'locks' whatever character I create in permanently. I walk away from every interaction feeling like a fraud and I've gotten to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I don't exist. I'm currently looking for a therapist/ psychologist and I'm afraid I'll do the same with her and as a result won't get anywhere with my self-esteem.

How do I break out of this acting cycle? It is soul crushing.

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Wed Jun 01, 2016 8:10 am

Everything happens at the perfect time, you have good self awareness, allow yourself to change at a pace that you feel comfortable with. You could investigate relaxation strategies.

**Posts:** 263 · by **handheart** » Wed Jun 08, 2016 2:40 pm

Well a therapist its there to help you and you must tell him the problem you cannot hide thos from him if you want to heal your anxiety

**Posts:** 2 · by **the1withthedog** » Tue Jul 05, 2016 6:54 pm

Great thoughts. I feel I go through the same changes. A lot of it I think is just social conditioning, as we are social beings, and you (and I) have extremely adaptive personalities, which can be bad for a lot of reasons (most of which you mentioned), but it is also a skill that can be very valuable in the business world, especially if you work with a wide variety of personality types daily. Knowing how to read, react and adapt quickly in different social scenarios can be a positive.

However..

Like you, I feel certain people in my life are being robbed of specific parts of me and my personality that others get to see (some good, some bad). I have found myself actually trying to convince a friend that I'm a certain way, and they didn't believe me, because I'm that way around another group of friends and not that friend. It's true, you shouldn't have to seemingly change who you are with everyone close to you. I struggle with this too, and I'm curious to read more on this topic.

**Posts:** 41 · by **SHe4d** » Sun Jul 10, 2016 5:20 pm

It's true that in certain situations you do have to act - in meetings, giving presentations, looking after children, delivering training / teaching, etc. However, as you may already be aware, if you continue to behave that way with personal relationships, it can be destructive.

Imagine starting a relationship where you initially behave how they want you to be - you cant keep it up forever and eventually your real personality will come through. They will end up wondering who you were/are. Its not a recipe for long-term closeness.

You mentioned that you know you do this because of your low self-esteem. Im no expert, but Id say thats where you need to focus your attention. Dont analyse how you are interacting with others so much, but focus on finding ways to like yourself. Im guessing you 'act' around others because you are worried that people wont like the real you.

To help create an identity for yourself and feelings of self worth, try focussing on developing things you are good at. It could be anything - if you like music and have a flair for it, learn an instrument and take grades or lessons. Learn photography, a skill like tennis. Whatever it is, it will help build your confidence. "Hi, Im xx, Im a musician", etc. Im GOOD at something.

Try to notice the things you do in life that are kind or skilled. Make sure you are true to yourself and dont do things you dont really want to, just because someone else expects you to. If you focus on liking yourself and treat yourself kindly, in time, you'll realise you are not always acting.

**Posts:** 2958 · by **quietvoice** » Sun Jul 10, 2016 5:51 pm

Frankie1 wrote: the true cause of my anxiety

What do you think IS the true cause of your anxiety?

How do I stop acting?

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

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