Guilt over cheating

**Posts:** 13 · by **Herzogenbuscher** » Sun Nov 29, 2015 8:25 am

I need help not judemental comments please, I got plenty in my own head.

Ive been with my husband for 10 years. After about 7years I had an affair with my boss (we didn't sleep together but pretty much everything else and it was an emotional affair as well). At the time the marriage was so f***ed up and hopeless and the affair made me feel so full and alive... I thought I would leave my husband and escape to this other man who had the unequalied ability to satisfy me. BUT... Things changed. The guilt became unbearable, my husband turned his emotionally abusive behavior around and got help. He's now in a 12 Step program and thriving towards happiness. He does not know what I did and I am dying with guilt. I have suicide thoughts and self sabotage ideas frequently.
I know there are some poeple who say "NEEEEVEr tell, you are just being selfish unburdening yourself by telling your husband" but isn't it also selfish to keep him in the dark, married to someone he doesn't truly know, living a life that he doesn't know is a lie... I feel like I can never have true intimacy with my husband again, because I always hide that part of myself... How can I do that do this man? He deserves a whole woman.
I don't know what to do. Advice has been so contradictory. My fear is big. Also, now that I've waited so long, the affair is 2 years in the past... I just don't know what to do...
Meanwhile, I have depression and PTSD and my ability to make clear decisions is completely impaired. I donmt know if my marriage should end. I feel happy and at the same time like it has no future.
I am in therapy.

Please, I beg, only give advice if you've been through something similar.

**Posts:** 2008 · by **WonderGurl** » Sun Nov 29, 2015 11:04 am

I'll bite my tongue and straight to the point.

It's too late to tell him if you're hoping to save your relationship. Cheating in itself is bad enough, but if you were considering being honest and upfront, two years ago was the time. At that time there would have been hope of fixing it. If you tell him now, you'll certainly achieve two things: alleviate your own guilt and irreparably break whatever trust there is. Once trust is broken, it can never be the same. You will have to think wheather you prefer to have integrity or relationship. It's too late to have it both ways.

**Posts:** 13 · by **Herzogenbuscher** » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:56 pm

@wondergurl is this based on your experience having cheated and told someone?

I couldn't tell him back then because he was an abusive active addict. And there IS NO TRUST. It's a lie. Keeping a lie between us to keep trust seems like a paradoxical thing.

**Posts:** 2008 · by **WonderGurl** » Sun Nov 29, 2015 7:42 pm

One does not necessarily have to have experience of cheating on another in order to have an opinion on disclosure of such a sensitive matter.

It's complicated, I understand. You want a clear conscience, I understand that too. You might as well tell him you cheated on him two years ago. If the trust if messed up between you two anyway, you probably don't have much to lose by telling him. Worst case scenario he'll flip off the handle. Best case he'll deal with it like an adult, but bearing in mind he's very early into his recovery, it's a highly unlikely outcome.

There is no easy way around it. But I really don't see how telling him now would help your already complicated relationship. What's important is that you feel remorse and don't sound like you'd do something like that again. I would suggest you seek forgiveness elsewhere other than him. But first, you should forgive yourself.

**Posts:** 3023 · by **tokeless** » Sun Nov 29, 2015 8:01 pm

Can i ask you why you didn't leave back then when he was an active addict and your relationship was in trouble? If it's because you felt sorry for him or didn't want to hurt him, is this not a similar dilemma now?

**Posts:** 549 · by **McCain** » Mon Nov 30, 2015 5:12 am

Herzogenbuscher wrote:@wondergurl is this based on your experience having cheated and told someone?

I couldn't tell him back then because he was an abusive active addict. And there IS NO TRUST. It's a lie. Keeping a lie between us to keep trust seems like a paradoxical thing.

Sit your husband down and ask him about the ninth step. Then tell him what you did and apologize.
McCain

**Posts:** 2008 · by **WonderGurl** » Mon Nov 30, 2015 12:31 pm

McCain wrote:Sit your husband down and ask him about the ninth step. Then tell him what you did and apologize.
McCain

Ah, clever! Yeah, that's a great idea.

**Posts:** 11 · by **Marriedinbenton** » Wed May 23, 2018 2:59 pm

I wish this advise my wife would read and do

**Posts:** 87 · by **DrPsychFeels** » Sun May 27, 2018 3:55 pm

Since we're talking about 12 step programs, they have a concept called "living amends."

It's when we don't come out and admit what we did to a person directly, but we recognize how we have hurt that person and make a commitment to identify and change the behavior that led to hurting that person.

This is what I would suggest you do.

Make a living amends to communicate with him instead of acting out. Write it out, make it an oath to yourself, and maybe even zero-in on how, specifically, you're going to communicate with him an stick to it.

This may help to alleviate the guilt and even better it will nourish the relationship.

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