I need help not judemental comments please, I got plenty in my own head.
Ive been with my husband for 10 years. After about 7years I had an affair with my boss (we didn't sleep together but pretty much everything else and it was an emotional affair as well). At the time the marriage was so f***ed up and hopeless and the affair made me feel so full and alive... I thought I would leave my husband and escape to this other man who had the unequalied ability to satisfy me. BUT... Things changed. The guilt became unbearable, my husband turned his emotionally abusive behavior around and got help. He's now in a 12 Step program and thriving towards happiness. He does not know what I did and I am dying with guilt. I have suicide thoughts and self sabotage ideas frequently.
I know there are some poeple who say "NEEEEVEr tell, you are just being selfish unburdening yourself by telling your husband" but isn't it also selfish to keep him in the dark, married to someone he doesn't truly know, living a life that he doesn't know is a lie... I feel like I can never have true intimacy with my husband again, because I always hide that part of myself... How can I do that do this man? He deserves a whole woman.
I don't know what to do. Advice has been so contradictory. My fear is big. Also, now that I've waited so long, the affair is 2 years in the past... I just don't know what to do...
Meanwhile, I have depression and PTSD and my ability to make clear decisions is completely impaired. I donmt know if my marriage should end. I feel happy and at the same time like it has no future.
I am in therapy.
Please, I beg, only give advice if you've been through something similar.