I have a problem regarding my family and my girlfriend

**Posts:** 3 · by **pandaman** » Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:37 am

Hello, I am 19 years old and a freshman in college. Most of this post will initially be about my girlfriend. From here on out I'll start at the beginning of my school year (2014).
I met this girl (one year younger than me) during the first week before classes through a mutual friend. We hit it off pretty well and soon started hanging out. I eventually asked her out (to be my girlfriend) on a weekend in October to which she said yes.
Two weeks later she left on a Friday to visit a male friend (6 years older than her) that lives at a college a couple hours away. She said she would most likely be back later that day. Well when it was later she ended up texting me that the guy didn't want to have to drive her back to her college that night and so she ended up staying the night at his apartment. She came back the next day (Saturday) and seemed upset, and I asked specifically if that guy had tried to do anything sexual and she said no. I believed her.
From that point on we were very happy. She loved me and cared about me, I know it is true. We would hang out a lot and just cuddle on the couch while talking about random things or watching movies.
She started having problems with this guy bothering her and essentially stalking her. He would send her messages all the time and she would ignore it. During winter break though at one point she had to see him, because she needed a ride in a circumstance where no one else could help. Nothing happened at that time, that is true. She eventually cut off all connection with him at the beginning of 2015 by blocking his number, facebook, deleting contact, etc. I thought that would be the last I heard of him.
On Valentine's day I received a message through facebook early in the morning from that guy. I didn't check it until after lunch because I had friends visiting and I knew it couldn't be good. After lunch I sat down with my girlfriend and told her that he had contacted me, I still hadn't read the message. She read the messages then started crying and told me that back in October when she visited that guy and told me that nothing happened, something did happen. She had sex with him then. We talked about it and she told me she never regretted anything more in her life. I believe her and know that she regrets it as she had previously been upset about it, although I didn't know at the time what it was. I then got a call from my home.
My parents called me, because they had seen the messages from that guy on facebook because they know my password. In the messages it said how he had sex with her on that night and how he said he also had pictures of her (underage) that she had sent him before she knew me. My dad drove to my college that day and took me home for the night. I left my girlfriend saying that I need to think about things. My parents and I talked about everything that happened. I decided that I would wait to see what I want to do about my girlfriend, that we would just not be together for a while.
I went back to college the next day and had a rough couple weeks. I texted her every so often to check if she was doing okay at least. After about two weeks we sat down and talked about everything. She told me all about what had happened between her and that guy and how she was sorry. She never asked for me back, she said I was better without her. At the end of it, I did ask her out again. I had thought about it a lot the past couple weeks and I know I love her. She cares about me, and if she could undo it she would without hesitation.
For a few weeks I was happy. I enjoyed being with her again, it was different from before but she would always make sure that I was okay. I kept this a secret from my parents. Last week was the start of spring break and I went home for it. During it I texted her some and my parents noticed it. I told them we were just friends.
They one night checked my texts that I had sent through the cell carrier website and saw texts about how I loved her and she loved me. They also saw texts in which we talked about at some point having sex (we have never had it, although I spent the night with her once which they now know about). One day they approached me and told me that they had seen my texts and knew I was dating her. They told me it was unhealthy and that they will be blocking her on my phone and through facebook and social media. I was able to send one last text to her in which I told her that my parents had seen our texts and I had to have space from her. They scheduled an appointment with a therapist for next week for me to talk about all this with.
My parents say I shouldn't see her ever. They are worried that this relationship is unhealthy for me, even though I am happy. I love her and honestly I do see us together in the future. I came back to school today as this was the end of spring break and now I don't know what to do. I have no way to contact her except finding her in person, although she probably won't want to see me because I can almost guarantee she has been distraught after I sent the last text. I welcome any advice.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Mon Mar 23, 2015 2:59 am

You are 19, that makes you an adult. Unless there is more to your background related to mental health, then your issue is with your parents. At 19, I would in no way shape or form allow my parents to track me, look at my messages or schedule an appointment with a therapist, nor would they want to. At that age I had been in the military for two years already and was going to college. If you want to reconnect with the girl all you need is Internet access and in a couple of minutes you can be sending her messages using XYZ social media.....SO.....

What is going on here? Why at age 19 are your parents involved so heavily in your personal life?

**Posts:** 3 · by **pandaman** » Mon Mar 23, 2015 3:42 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:What is going on here? Why at age 19 are your parents involved so heavily in your personal life?

I haven't changed my password on facebook for a few years dating back to when it would have been more acceptable for them to look at my account. If I were to change it then they would say something along the lines of "Oh why did you change it? What is the new password?" and so forth. They do the same with my email account too.
I don't have any mental illnesses or anything, I would be considered normal by any means. I don't know why they feel so obligated to be involved. They always say something like "We wouldn't do this if we didn't love you" and "It would be easier if we just didn't care like other parents". They do pay for my tuition to college though.

**Posts:** 3 · by **pandaman** » Mon Mar 23, 2015 4:06 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:What is going on here? Why at age 19 are your parents involved so heavily in your personal life?

They also believe the relationship I have with my girlfriend is any unhealthy one, even though I am happy. They say I can't fully grasp that is unhealthy for me when I can still talk to her. I believe they are wrong though, because I do have a grasp on my emotions and I was happy before they intruded.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Mon Mar 23, 2015 4:19 am

I do understand the concept of my house my rules. I also understand the concept that if I'm supporting you financially then there are expectations that come with that support, for example no drugs, certain grades, etc. Just because a person is an adult, does not all of the sudden mean do whatever you want while the parents spend more money. I get that and plenty of young adults are in similar circumstances.

But in your situation there seems to be a disconnect. There are limits in my opinion as to the intrusive nature of parenting an adult such as yourself. It comes across as being over protective, intrusive and manipulative, using financial support and emotional hooks to justify access and control of email, Facebook, texts, and your relationships.

You are an adult. If you do not agree with your parents, if you want to see this girl then do so. Tell your parents you will be establishing other, personal social media accounts and email and that you will decide whether or not to pursue the relationship with this girl or any other girl. If you want to go to a therapist fine, but if you don't want to then don't go. I would also recommend getting at a minimum some form of part time job or revenue stream. You are at an age where you need to be developing your independence from your parents.

**Posts:** 34 · by **DrowningAlone** » Mon Mar 23, 2015 7:06 am

I just read over this whole thread and want to throw in my two cents... which will be quick because all I want to say is that everything Richard said above is right on. You are 19 and your parents are way out of line to be telling you how to live your life to this degree. Maybe the relationship with this girl is not a healthy one. But that is for YOU to decide, not them. And I get that you are still a young adult without a lot of life experience, and that your parents are still taking care of you financially and with that comes some strings. But who you choose to love is not one of them!

And looking at your texts...not appropriate at all for a 19 year old. You will never learn to stand on your own two feet and become a full adult if your parents are making these kinds of decisions for you. You need to have a respectful but firm talk with your parents. Let them know that you value their opinions and will take then very seriously. But in the end you need to make your own decisions on things like who you get involved with.

I wouldn't tolerate this, not even a close call. If you were a few years younger then sure. But not at 19.

**Posts:** 1158 · by **TheCloud** » Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:52 pm

pandaman wrote:
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:They also believe the relationship I have with my girlfriend is any unhealthy one, even though I am happy. They say I can't fully grasp that is unhealthy for me when I can still talk to her. I believe they are wrong though, because I do have a grasp on my emotions and I was happy before they intruded.

The relationship you have with your parents is the unhealthy one. I don't know if you're in a financial position to say that now, but in the future you are going to have to make that clear to them in no uncertain terms. Though they might be concerned with your wellbeing, you are not the one they are thinking of when they intrude on your life. Their actions are self-serving and irrational, and you will have to take a stand against them someday.

I also think the relationship with your girlfriend is good. Don't allow your parents to hurt this girl more than they already have. Do what you feel is right.

**Posts:** 26 · by **vic602** » Tue Apr 07, 2015 10:45 am

Like the others have said, you are an adult. I understand that you are in an awkward position. It's tough to be both dependent and independent at the same time. Your parens sound very controlling which isn't good for you at your age. If it's possible to get a part time job and keep your grades up, I think that would be a good idea. You will feel more in control of your own destiny that way and it will help you stand up in a loving way to your parents.

In the meantime, there are dozens of ways to get hold of your girlfriend if you want to without your parents knowing. You probably have some idea of what classes she takes; you can use a friends computer or phone to contact her and you probably know where she hangs out between classes; I'm not suggesting you begin a life of deceit, but this is a temporary fix until you have the nerve to stand up to your parents. You might tell them how their controlling behavior makes you feel.

That said, I think there's more to the story than you're telling us. Perhaps you would like to share the rest.

**Posts:** 1589 · by **Ali Baby** » Tue Apr 07, 2015 2:59 pm

vic602 wrote:
In the meantime, there are dozens of ways to get hold of your girlfriend if you want to without your parents knowing. You probably have some idea of what classes she takes; you can use a friends computer or phone to contact her and you probably know where she hangs out between classes; I'm not suggesting you begin a life of deceit, but this is a temporary fix until you have the nerve to stand up to your parents.

While I agree to an extent, I think that by being deceitful, you would be reaffirming your parents opinion that you are immature and need their guidance, and it could make them even more controlling. The time to stand up to them has to be right now!

Establish new social media and email accounts, don't allow them access to these at all, or your phone.

They are probably just so used to checking up on you they have forgotten that you are older now.

Have a talk with them, calmly but firmly. Tell them you are grateful for the loving upbringing they gave you and that you feel they have given you morals and the ability to make your own choices. Then tell them that you will be using these skills and living your own life. You're old enough to make your own mistakes, and you need to remind them to let you make them!

I know how you feel, my mum was all up in my business until I was 22 and I ended up living with an abusive man just to get away from her.

Your parents don't need to like your girlfriend, but they do need to respect your choices. I think its your relationship with your parents that's unhealthy and that the therapy might even be a good idea, because any good therapist would be helping you realise just how unhealthy your relationship with your parents is. The therapist should give you the tools to stand up to them.

I agree with what's being said above, about getting some sort of job so you can be somewhat financially independent. I suspect if you went against your parents wishes, they'd try to control you by threatening to cut you off financially.

You'll never be able to take control of your own life until you actually grab the control. Stand up to them, have a blazing row if you need to. They'll probably be mad at you but they'll come round eventually.

Your first step is either changing the passwords to your email and social media, or signing up for new ones. They must not be given access to passwords at all! It might help if you write everything down that you want to achieve, and think of ways you could achieve them. And know that we are here if you need to talk. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Love Ali xx

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