Client wanting more confidence and better sleep

**Posts:** 52 · by **suep** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 8:23 pm

I have a client who wants more confidence, particularly in the areas of presenting, answering questions at peer group meetings and dealing with staff (when its bad news). My client is also having problems sleeping (particularly getting off to sleep and being able to stay asleep). The client is an extremely logical, capable and intelligent person.

This person is a single parent bringing up 2 children (with the aid of a live in nanny), runs their own business (of which they are No. 1 in the UK and No. 3 in Europe) and works 6 days a week from 7.30am until at least 7.00pm every day. The client last had time off work over 20 years ago. The client has nobody to share the responsibility or delegate to and I believe this is the prime cause of the problem as they are unable to "switch off" and take some "me-time".

My client very definitely keeps a clear divide between home and work, but in some ways this makes the problem worse as they are unable to speak to anyone about their issues as the issues overlap both areas.

I can only see the client in her work surroundings and they are often interrupted by the telephone, so trance work is somewhat difficult (I am hopeful of getting the client away from the phone in subsequent sessions).

I have given the client advice on sleeping, taught 7-11 breathing, taught the 3 Things technique. I have also taught the client about One Point martial art breathing to assist in focussing of attention and calming of nerves, located the feeling and tried to alter it, asked the Miracle Question, ascertained personal values and benefits, and even used some acupressure point work.

My aim (if I can get the client away from having to answer the phone) is to take the client into relaxation and give them a holiday utilising trance time, making 1 minute of trance worth 1 hour of clock time for example. I also plan to future pace the client using the breathing techniques and one point and seeing themselves in several situations they know will be useful to use these in appearing calm and confident.

I have explained about the importance of meeting the basic human needs, the value of sleep, the link between the conscious mind, unconscious mind and physiology and the value of worrying well.

I have given the client handouts, including articles from Uncommon Knowledge on Public Speaking, Worrying Well, the 7 basic human needs as well as a few other items.

Has anyone got any other suggestions I can use with this client as any help would be very gratefully received. :lol:

by **andy** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 10:11 pm

Hello Sue!

Well all I can say is - they may have the basic need handout, but they obviously aren't applying it to their life! They've got the goals and aims part sussed, but what about the mind/body connection and the others!?

Could you tell us what the answer to the miracle question was - and most importantly whether it was realistic.

I would say they need to delegate the work. And if they say this is impossible, maybe they have trust issues. They've obviously been thriving on adrenaline and it's no wonder that their sleep is suffering :shock:

. Try to suggest that they decrease the focus off work and onto the other needs - some kind of metaphor/story?

I also wonder if this extreme focus on work and/or not prepared to let others help is a symptom of something in the past (could the VK be applied to a highly emotional memory?)

If they won't even switch the phone off to do a short trance session I wonder what their motivation to actually get better is...

What do others think?

Andy.

**Posts:** 52 · by **suep** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 7:25 am

Andy

Yes, I had explained to the client that the basic needs are not being met and suggested that they do this, but as they are at that "sticky" stage of the business (too small to hire a sub manager and too large to manage it all themselves) they really are struggling. Because of this, delegation is not an option at present.

They are planning to expand in 1-2 years time and then employ under managers, but there human needs will not be met in the meantime with the client's current lifestyle. :roll:

Another problem is I am seeing them outside of my usual day job... they have a shorter staff in the evenings so have real difficulties getting away from the phone, but I am not available during the day when they could get someone to answer the phone.

I have basically said to the client that without the basic needs being met by having some relaxation time its no wonder their mind is over active and they get somewhat anxious, as they tend to run from one appointment to another (sometimes having two or three appointments concurrently in different rooms and moving between them!!).

This is why I find myself quite stuck in the best way to assist this client...

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 2:31 pm

Hi Sue

Sounds like your client has severe perfectionism (I absolutely must do absolutely everything absolutely brilliantly all by myself). It often comes out of painful early conditioning. It's quite a hard condition to cure, but not totally impossible. I know, because I recovered from it!

The cure begins when you realise you have the condition. It's such bad news that you do everything to stave it off - like find all sorts of other explanations, and try all kinds of therapies and cures (as long as they don't go near the real cause).

The phone is a protection too. It is simply not true that the phone cannot remain unanswered, or on ansaphone, for 1 hour once a week!

Maybe a bit of outright challenge is needed (we are all very attached to our view of the world, and sometimes it takes a real facer from someone else to loosen our grip). Sometimes a disaster can help (and this has happened to many, many people!) - a broken leg, or an illness, which simply takes them out of action and makes them realise that the world goes round perfectly well without them. I'm not suggesting that you trip her up on the stairs, more that you make it plain that you are not going to join in the game!

As a logical, capable and intelligent person, she can see that she has to decide what she wants. It is not an easy choice, but no one can make it for her. Like Andy, I wonder about that Miracle question!

All the best, from the perfectly imperfect

Kathleen

**Posts:** 52 · by **suep** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 4:17 pm

Kathleen

Many thanks for the reply... yep that's sounds about right as illustrated by them being No. 1 in the UK and No. 3 in Europe, and I will "put it to the client".

The client's response to the MQ was somewhat difficult to take further... all they could imagine doing was "walking taller". They kept insisting that they were "not good with my imagination". I obviously utilised the phrase "walking taller" to elicit values from the client... these values came round full circle, to a certain extent, to "feeling more confident". I managed to get "an increased sense of freedom", but the client was very stuck in nominilisation land.

I did ask the client to imagine an elephant, and then a pink dress and then an elephant in a pink dress to illustrate that they could use their imagination! :lol:

I will go down the route of perfection land, insist on some "telephone free" time and use "walking taller" in trance... I'll get my metaphor cap on between now and then methinks in order to come up with the right one!

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 5:08 pm

Sounds like a classic case of "I want everthing to stay the same and to feel better please therapist".

With someone so business-oriented, I may talk in terms of priorities - spell out very clearly the 'system' of their life - to the extent of drawing a diagram perhaps as it is less ignorable, and sticks in the mind.

I would say that if they want things to continue as they are, to keep on doing what they are doing.

As a business owner, I am well aware of the pressures, and the difficulties in growing a business, but these sorts of problems simply need novel solutions. Some sort of business coaching may well help - there may be someone on this forum who could do that. Alternatively he/she could approach her local Business Link for advice.

With practical problems such as these, I often treat a "there's no way" as "I haven't been able to think of a solution yet". Not being able to hire a sub-manager doesn't mean that one couldn't hire a PA for 20 hours a week for example. If the business can truly grow, more time for the prinicipal should result in increased turnover pretty quickly.

Best of luck

Roger

**Posts:** 248 · by **grovelli** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 5:55 pm

RogerE wrote:Some sort of business coaching may well help - there may be someone on this forum who could do that.

How about Lindsay's Personal Development Plan on the Motivation forum?

**Posts:** 52 · by **suep** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:28 pm

Roger,

Many thanks for the excellent suggestions - I particularly love the idea of drawing a system diagram and I think the client will go for that.

My husband is a retired business man and he also knows the client and has offered to give some business advice/talking it over.

Grovelli - I will look up the Motivation section - thanks for the tip.

Kind regards

Sue

**Posts:** 28 · by **Peanut** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 2:06 am

It's doubtful that your client will believe that the following could happen to him/her but the facts are these:

I worked 70 hours a week for years thinking I was the only one that could 'get it done'; had what used to be called a 'breakdown' (because everything was so unbalanced for so long; and ended up not leaving my house for a year + because of fear/avoidance from panic and chest pain from any kind of stress.

I wouldn't have believed this could happen to me either.

Your client is fortunate to have a caring person like you trying to help him/her.

Sincerely, Peanut

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 9:39 am

There are plenty people offering virtual secretarial and PA services nowadays - and I know one! You don't have to hire them and take on all the PAYE and NIC hassle, you bring them in like a consultant, on a fee basis, for hours as decided by you, and they can work at their own place, or at your place.

If your client would like an introduction to a known and trusted virtual secretary, let me know!

Kathleen

**Posts:** 52 · by **suep** » Sun Nov 09, 2003 5:52 pm

Firstly, many thanks for all the replies.

Just a quick update... I have spoken to the client and they have found that presentations are a little easier for them, however they really do not want to make any life changes at present. They agreed that they are indeed a perfectionist, and really want to maintain their lifestyle, work all those excess hours and yet still get better sleep, have more confidence,, etc.

They read the Human Needs handout with interest and agreed that it would be "nice to have, but not right for me at the moment".

They have used the One Point technique and mental rehearsal as these didn't take any extra time, they have also used the 7/11 and liked it. However, they didn't find the 3-Things worked for them because their mind was too active.

When they've expanded the business they said they'll have a review then....

Many thanks once again all. :lol:

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 10:27 am

Hi Suep

Glad you have found the recommendations useful. It still sounds like a case of 'help me, but help me the way I want to be helped'.

Good luck to you

Roger

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