Hello.. Lately everything has been like a roller coaster. I have been seeing a therapist, and its doing great, but i cant afford to go there every time i feel down like this, since its pretty random as well.
I've recently been through a breakup, it lasted 3 years and a half. Many other problems have been going through my life lately, so i cant say that this situation is the only thing affecting me. But it is, a lot.
I had to break up with this person even though i had feelings for him. By feelings, i dont just mean love. I've really hated him in some points of our relationship because of the things he did to me. But i also cared a lot about him, and id do anything for him.
He started showing signs of madness, really. I felt scared in the end. I felt like either me or he would soon be in danger. He even threatened to suicide if i left him. I've talked this through with my therapist. Things have been doing well. I feel like i can finally be free and do something for myself. Im completely rational and aware of my feelings in those times.
However, moments like this happen. Im feeling down. His words are getting to me. The "you're rejecting me and this is all solely your fault" really starts to weight in my head. I know i took the decision, but i had to. So why do i feel remorse sometimes? This had to be done, this was messing up with me, my therapist got to the point of insisting i needed to end this before it ended me, and it was true.
But then these random moments come, where i feel lonely, where i grow a selective amnesia over the rational reality. I know i did the right thing, for both of us. I just wish i could let go of this weight on my shoulders. I dont want to go back to him, it was a nightmare, really, i dont even think i love him anymore. But still, it pains me to think i had to be the one taking this decision, for both of us. and he really made me feel like i was the one missing something great from my life.
I did the right thing. I wouldnt go back to him. I dont want to live a nightmare again. I know that all thats left are the memories, theyre just memories, its just a fixation and im aware of that. Then why do i feel like a loser sometimes? Why do i still worry to know how he's doing? Why does it still pain me to imagine he might have moved on? Why havent i moved on?