Feeling completely lost

imsomeone257 wrote:He even threatened to suicide if i left him. The "you're rejecting me and this is all solely your fault" really starts to weight in my head.

Why havent i moved on?

You have not yet moved on, because you feel guilty. Guilt is a powerful tool, it is a powerful emotion, and it is something we learn and that is used to manipulate us at a very young age.

Manipulate is a bit of a strong word, but guilt is a universal method humans use to “teach” their young to behave. It is used most often with good intent, but it has unfortunate consequences. Go anywhere in the world and you will see parents using guilt. Go anywhere in the world and you will see society using guilt and shaming to “guide” or manipulate a population. It is a very strong emotion.

Think of it this way. How do you get another person to behave how you want them to behave? You start by telling them what you expect. You expect they clean their room. If they don’t then you use positive or negative reinforcement. You use reward or punishment. In some cases a child is forced to clean their room or there is a threat of physical punishment. But, in many cultures physical punishment is not acceptable so this leaves mental punishment. You guilt or shame the child into cleaning their room. You explain how bad they are making you feel, how much pain you are in because of their behavior.

The above paragraph is a very general pattern, but it is universal and it is taught to us at a very young age.

Move into adulthood and this boyfriend is using guilt as his manipulation, his weapon of choice to get you to do what he wishes. And I’m not saying intentionally. This type of manipulation he has used repeatedly throughout life. He probably at one point threw a huge tantrum in the middle of the store, crying and kicking and screaming until he got the toy. He uses this threat of suicide, because it works. He threatens, because making threats is his way of forcing, of gaining compliance, of navigating his world as successfully as possible.

I’ve dealt with these people for decades, in my career, in my life, and many times in this very forum. I had one person in the forum try to blame me for choosing to cut themselves. It was an attempt to use a tool that for them has worked again and again.

People that threaten suicide move on to a new person when you refuse to play the game, when you refuse to feel guilty for the choices they are making. Cut yourself? Commit suicide? That is on them, not me. Don’t try that guilt game on me, because I just shut you down and move on. There are so many other people in this world that won’t play that game. I prefer to associate with those people.

There are plenty of people that are willing to play the game. There are plenty of people that respond and jump whenever someone makes threats or uses guilt. It is a symbiotic relationship, one cannot exist without the other. If no person ever felt guilt, then using guilt as a tool would never work and would cease to exist. Guilt works, because plenty of people are willing to play the game on both sides.

My advice, don’t play the game.

I can totally confirm what you said is true in my situation. This wasn't the first time. Throughout our relationship this happened many times, from simple meaningless things such as choosing a movie to watch, into relevant things such as he texting other women (in romantic and sexual ways), in which he told me it was my fault, because i was distancing myself and he needed something entertaining. Still, i let it go.

I played his game indeed, by letting this happen. And in the end after i left him he still manages to pull off the victim card saying i ruined his whole life and he was perfect, and after weeks of that, he was the one blocking me, saying he would look for other people. And i bought it, i was relieved, but i bought it, and felt like i was losing something by my own will. But this wasn't my will at all. I just let myself live a fairy tale that didn't exist at all, and for as much as he was nice and caring, i was covering my eyes for the game going on the background.
I dedicated myself to this person for a long time, but still, i will try my best to see it not as a loss, but as a lesson that i needed to grow. I won't play the game anymore, and i wont let other people play it on me.

Thank you for taking time to reply and for the advice!

imsomeone257 wrote: i will try my best to see it not as a loss, but as a lesson that i needed to grow.

That's a win!