by RealEyesEm » Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:12 am
It panics me a bit to feel so low again. It's coming in waves and I push it aside. Is that wise? Should I seek help? Is it just the blues? A normal-ish experience and one that just is.
I think about suicide fairly often lately. Not like how I would do it. Just thinking, how it would be peaceful. How this place is so raw. How complicated life seems. How overwhelming.
I've cried a few times lately when the emotions have been allowed to flow I will allow them. It's making a space for them. It's knowing who is in my inner circle of trust. Who I can reach out to.
My parents have called me oversensitive in the past. Harshly, I feel. I think it's been damaging for me. Invalidating. They don't really show much emotion either.
I need someone to rely on. I can deal with this, but what if it gets worse? How will I cope? I feel alone. Like I can't open up to anyone.
Maybe that's how Christopher happened. I was smoking weed again. Somehow, after 3 years of insisting I just wanted to be his friend, we ended up sleeping together. It confused me. He had been chasing me for 3 years. But yes, at a festival, having smoked quite a lot. Was it the weed? It felt weirdly mystical. Like, subtle messaging. I don't know how to explain. It felt kind of good. Like he knew my body. And I do find him interesting, mentally. I think he represented an alternative way of living too. One which I liked the idea of. Living in a truck or a teepee. In his own forest. Having time instead of money. Friends instead of colleagues. Freedom.
Now I feel f***ed in the head by it all. We had a go at being closer. I realised that I don't like the way he kisses me sometimes. I don't like the way he smells sometimes. I don't like the way he's pushy sometimes. I don't like that he's too old for me to feel comfortable with
But I do miss talking to him. I like his interest in Buddhism and trees and music. When he speaks to me online though, he really annoys me. He won't Accept that I don't want to be with him physically. We can't just be friends.
I have to set a boundary. It feels a bit new... I guess I must not have set many a boundary before.
Writing has helped again. I do feel more clarity. I feel that it's good to recognise the emotions, recognise them for what they are and not fear them. Things are scarier when they're lurking in the dark.
Its hard to open up I think because of shame. I feel shame around this. I get the urge to hide from shame. Self loathing. Eughhhhh. It's such a strong feeling.
I watched a drama series recently and it reminded me of Donna and how I felt when she broke it off. How physically pained I was. Crying till I was sick. My love life has been so all over the place. I am slowly learning my own mind and what it is that attracts me. But I have a long way to go and I do find it confusing.
Drugs certainly haven't helped to ease my confusion. The time when I took dmt and hallucinated a very Christian collègue of mine coming out of the bathroom tiles with a lion mane and feeling that she was showing me that I should be with a man not a woman and I ended up sleeping with leigh that night.
Am I 'a lesbian'. Does that label even mean anything? Am I autistic? Who is even sure about that? everything seems up for debate and like a massive grey area. Who is a terrorist? What is a lie? Who to trust? None of this probably makes much sense if someone else is actually reading this... It just helps to put it all down and out of my head. With election day being today, my head feels extra overwhelmed cos I usually try to avoid the news. Not from a lack of care but quite the opposite. It leads me to research and dig deeper and Bury myself. But it sucked me in lately, trying to understand politics... Trying to read between the lines. It's overwhelming and painful.
To sum up then. I feel sad about losing a friend in Christopher, but resolute that this is the only way forward and I boundary I must keep. I feel sad and confused about global politics. I struggle with not fully understanding myself, the difficulties I have with emotions and connecting with people. The difficulty I have in understanding my own sexual and romantic preferences. I feel that taking drugs has caused me more difficulties in these things.
I am grateful not to be writing about how I will sort everything out tomorrow. How I will just finish this bag of grass and then I will stop. I'M GRATEFUL TO BE LIVING IN THIS MOMENT.
I'm grateful for being able to live in this home. To share the company of my parents and the dog. To have a family. To have musical instruments, to be able to learn languages. To be able to read books. The freedom to seek knowledge. To live in this country where I don't feel threatened. This forum, for learning and sharing and seeking clarity.
A comfortable and warm place to sleep. A tidy room. A phone. Friends.
Health. Food. A yoga mat. Two in fact. I am learning how selfish I can be. That sounds really derogatory, I don't mean to call myself a name but just, how concernée with the self I can be. How much I take for granted. How little I actually help people in need. Despite my genuine caring attitude and desire to help others.. How little I actually get done.