Fake Qualified Apologies As Anger Triggers Going Both Ways

The Relationship Advise Books and YouTube Videos are bringing a certain kind of common communication form to light – the Fake or Qualified Apology. Examples of These would include:

I’m Sorry THAT YOU THINK I was rude to the Server. I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO KISS HIS BUTT FOR BRINGING US OUR FOOD.

I’m sorry that you think that I think your butt is fat. MAYBE I WAS JUST PREOCCUPPIED ABOUT OUR BALLOONING CREDIT CARD BILL FROM YOU BUYING ALL THOSE NEW XXL JEANS.

I’m Sorry that I cussed out your mother BUT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR THE LAST 18 MONTHS AND SO WHEN SHE IMPLIED I WAS A LAZY BUM, WELL SHE IS LUCKY I DIDN’T THROW THE TURKEY OUT THE WINDOW AND GO AFTER HER WITH THE CARVING KNIFE.

I’m sorry I was late getting to the restaurant BUT THE TRAFFIC WAS HORRIBLE. TWO LANES OF OCTOPUS DRIVE WERE CLOSED FOR REPAIRS. I GUESS I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY CAR AND LEVITATE HERE

Now I would suppose that the Fake or Qualified Apology has always been with us. It is used when one person demands an apology from another person who really isn’t sorry. But the Cornered Person uses the Fake Apology to acknowledge that the other person is upset while supplying a broad and decisive hint that he or she probably should just chill out. In short the Fake Apology is actually carrying some very valid communicative Content, and if one were to Absolutely Forbid “Fake Apologies” then it would be the devil to figure out how to replace them with a Form that could so efficiently convey the Same Message.

But the New Age is on another one of its All Goodness and Light Rampages to Purify the Hearts of us All by Demonizing anybody who makes a ‘Fake’ or ‘Insincere’ Apology. But, really, they aren’t even getting their words right. Indeed, I’ve only been referring to “Fake” Apologies so that everyone will know what I am talking about, but to be intellectually honest, these Apologies are not “Fake” and they are Certainly NOT Insincere. We should understand them as being “Qualified Apologies” which is the objective and none-judgmental Term for them. And when one looks at the actual Communicated Meaning and Intent behind the Qualified Apology, well it becomes difficult to see just how it could be considered ‘Fake’ or ‘Insincere’. For instance, when somebody issues a Qualified Apology which is certain not to please the Offended Party, with his or her foot tapping impatiently and with his or her arms crossed and closed in the stance of seething contempt, then you can be certain that the Qualified Apology is coming Straight from the Heart – even if it is the Heart of Defiance and Rebellion.

While Qualified Apology does acknowledge and in some measure satisfy the Demand for an Apology, it indicates some exasperation that a Demand for an Apology is being made at all. One might understand this in the context of Nobody liking to be bullied and made to grovel in order to appease what appears to be the unreasonable irritability of somebody else. So I believe that the New Age seems to be Going after the Victim in this Situation. If the New Age People are really SO Enlightened then why are they Power Tripping about Demanding Apologies. I can understand why the Qualified Apologist is bristling up about it. To Explain why the New Age is Taking the Wrong Side on this Issue, we probably would only have to refer to the Market Economics that Drive much of the New Age Orthodoxy. I would therefore suppose that Significantly More Insecure but Self Righteous Apology Demanders can be expected to Buy New Age Stuff then People who Make Mistakes once in a while but don’t think it is the End of the World. I personally will only begin to worry about the Moral Ethics of giving Qualified Apologies when perhaps Stanford University issues a Study proving that I am being naughty.

But NOW let’s look at these “Sorry” Conflicts in terms of Anger Management. Circumstances where the Qualified Apology appear can be seen as Trigger Events going Both Ways. The Demander is already Triggered because He or She is demanding an Apology for Whatever it is that He or She wants to pick a fight about, and when He or She gets an Qualified Apology in Response, which He or She is primed by all those New Age books and YouTube Videos into thinking of as “Fake” or “Insincere” then that would fire off an Escalating Trigger and we could expect an Anger Episode to flare up with Him or Her right then or there. On the other side of it, we have the Accused. He or She probably just wants to be happy and after being ambushed probably even thought about issuing a full unconditional surrender, but probably from Past Experience learned that if you Give a Full Confession you are likely to get Hanged for it. And maybe the Accused has some Pride and sincerely believes from his or her deepest heart and soul that he or she will be Damned in Hell before giving a full apology for Whatever it Was. That the Demander is Demanding and that the Accused is Defying also shows that there was probably already some existing Stress in the Relationship, and both parties may be irritable and on a short fuse.

So how do we handle this in the Anger Management sense? Okay, for the Demander, well, you should learn that if you don’t want to get Angry than stop picking fights. If somebody has done you wrong then WAIT for the Apology. If the Apology does not come and it deeply matters to you, then put that on the List of Reasons why you should End the Dysfunctional Relationship. You Can’t Beat and Twist Somebody’s Arm into being your Perfect Soul Mate. But otherwise and in the meantime you should be Cool, Polite, Pleasant and Cordial and bide your Time. Maybe your “Soul Mate” will surprise you and do something Redeeming if he or she has not grown wary and afraid of your Dark and Demanding Side.

Now about the Accused. You know you are already screwed, don’t you? You should know that whoever it is tapping his or her foot waiting for you to Apologize is already Triggered and Fired Up and Ready to Go. If you are a Chronically Angry Person, New to the Program, and know that you are easily Triggered, then you Need to Go into Adrenaline Shut Down Mode Immediately – Open your Mouth slightly so that there is space between your Teeth (teeth clenching means that Adrenaline is pumping into your bloodstream and you are ready to Blow, so if you catch your teeth clenching, then IMMEDIATRLY unclench them and the Adrenal Glands will take the Hint and stop Pumping), take Deep Breaths as though the air is coming In and Out of the Heart, and PRETEND to be Calm. Then say something like, “You know, I just remembered that I’m late for a Meeting. Catch ya later”, and beat a hasty retreat while you can still keep it together.

But if you are advanced in Anger Management then you might try to de-escalate the situation. Now If you really did do something unconditionally Wrong, for instance, the Power Company shut off the power after you promised to get up early and go and Pay the Bill, but you watched Cat Videos on YouTube all night (there is always One More, isn’t there?) and you overslept. Then, of course, you would issue a Full Unqualified Apology and try to make amends (damage control as we know it here at Anger Management), but still you would be allowed to remember that your Relationship Partner pounced on you and didn’t wait for an Apology that you probably would have initiated on your own, and you can put that on your List for why you need to End this Dysfunctional Relationship. But if you Know that you will be using a Qualified Apology, which would be the Opposite of De-Escalating the Situation, then you would probably start by saying that it makes you feel very uncomfortable to be put on the spot so suddenly but that you understand the other’s Need for an apology, but that you will need some alone time to figure out how to make the most perfect and satisfying apology ever, and then excuse yourself and leave. You see, You DON’T want to get into it right Then and There! You should KNOW by now that the other person is Spoiling for a Fight, and it’s not good Tactics to Let your Opponent pick their own Time and Terrain for Battle. So you put your Anger Management Training to work and retreat just like it would be good for any Newbee to retreat (in Anger Management we call that Avoidance, and from Newbee to Crusty Old Saint Like Veteran of the Anger Management Wars, sometimes Avoidance is still the Best Card in the Deck). Then it would be good to play for Time. For Normal Angry People we know of the Leaky Bucket Effect – that Nobody can Stay REALLY Angry for more than a day or two, and by day three most Chronically Angry People have completely moved on and are now angry over something else. So wait for the Situation to deflate all by itself, and deal with it later when Cooler Heads prevail.