Territorial Co- Worker?

alexandra wrote:Richard it's not that easy.

If that is what you believe it becomes reality. How can you make it easy? How can you simplify your decisions?

One reason we admire leaders like Bagaht Singh is because they make decisions look easy. They make what we believe complex appear simple, because to them it is simple. How do they do it? How can you do it?

You don't commit to marry a person when you are not ready for marriage, period. That is a simple rule.

That is not complicated. It is not fair to anyone. I understand at the time you decided to get engaged you may have felt chemistry and did not have (ptsd) intimacy issues. It doesn't sound like that was the case, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like prior to the engagement you knew you struggled with ptsd, but like I said I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you did not propose or get engaged while knowing libido/chemistry was a problem.

So now it is a problem. The solution is simple. You tell the woman to which you are engaged you have a problem. You are upfront and honest there is a lack of chemistry, that you are struggling with libido and you both need to resolve this before deciding if you want to spend a lifetime together.

Why this approach? Because it is honest and fair. It is straightforward. It is not complex.

Richard,

This whole libido thing has become a priority to deal with. i just spoke to my partner and we aired some stuff about things that we're finding difficult in the relationship. I explained to her that I need to feel that chemistry and connection again because it is really bothering me and I know that it is bothering her. One thing I've recently become aware of is that when the weather is better then I'm in a totally different head space. My energy is totally different. For example, I don't sleep much.. 5-6hrs during the week and this week I've really been feeling it.. my body and mind is totally exhausted; however, despite this, my energy is totally up there. My libido is back and I'm actually really excited for her to get here because that same feelings I had when I went to see her last summer is back. In August when I went up to see her, I was in that place where I wanted to be attractive for her. I had lost a lot of weight by then and that in itself brought my libido up because I was looking at myself every differently.

I've spent a long time dressing as masculine as possible to keep people away from me. To be unapproachable, unattractive etc because of the ptsd. But last summer, after working a lot on myself this changed a lot. When we were together, I wanted to touch her all the time, be all loved up and clingy etc. But I hit a wall when that turned into she's the predator and I'm the prey when I was badly triggered and she was all over me and I was flinching away etc.

I love this woman with all my being. She's my best friend and someone (the first person) who I can be myself around without fear of rejection etc. With this long distance stuff, we have effectively become friend zoned as opposed to partners. We talked about that today too and how we have to do things completely differently in order to see if this will work.

PTSD kills people's sex drive, I'm aware of that.. it's just more of a new problem for me, because in the past despite this I still had a sex drive (a messed up one but there none the less). I've in my messed up phase began to associate sex with pain. I need to change that. And we have spoken about this.

I hope that makes sense? I hear what your saying and I agree with you. I've come to a place in this relationship where I need to communicate and be open and honest, because feeling guilty and scared to say something because I don't want to hurt her or myself is not working and if I can get this sorted then it would make me feel more confident in our relationship. This is my top priority but I can only work on this when she is here.

alexandra wrote:I hope that makes sense? I hear what your saying and I agree with you. I've come to a place in this relationship where I need to communicate and be open and honest, because feeling guilty and scared to say something because I don't want to hurt her or myself is not working and if I can get this sorted then it would make me feel more confident in our relationship. This is my top priority but I can only work on this when she is here.

It sounds like a good path. Clear, honest, open communication. I wish you the best.

alexandra wrote:Ultimately my issue with her is her constant demoralizing, center stage hogging, aggressive behaviour which brings everyone down. For me personally, I've come to realise how much I doubt my abilities at work and when I'm abke to overcome a big hurdle with professionalism, assertiveness etc I take a step back and rationalize with myself that I'm competent.

Given how difficult she is to work with, what do you think is the source of her power? Why is she able to get away with this behavior? Does she produce results? Is she close with your boss?

Hi Richard,

Thanks! We talked a lot about us the last couple of days and it has been really good addressing stuff and finding solutions to our problems. She'll be here in a couple of weeks time and we're both really excited and optimistic that we can get things back on track.

Betawarrior,

I'm not really sure what the source of her power is apart from us handing it to her on a silver platter. Her confrontational and defensive personality caused us in the stress of being overworked to just sit back and let her do whatever she wanted to do in a bid to keep the peace and be able to get our work done. She gets away with this behavior because everyone from manager to us is afraid to confront her. The only person who has confronted her is the senior manager who came to a meeting and saw how she behaved and was appalled by it and our reaction to just sit quietly.

The other aspect is, when we have had a team meeting before where the manager brought up her behavior while as a team we were working on something, she said that she wasn't thinking defensively at all and was not upset that we were trying different ideas to see if we could get the computer to work. However, her actions that day spoke volumes and when she explained it to the manager in her supervision, the manager believed her, and seeing that the manager became on her side. It was just like yea ok whatever.

She does produce results. That is her strength. She is a do it person. And in that it doesn't matter who she tramples over, or what important things she is neglecting to look at. She wants A done and she will do whatever to make sure A is done. Now, if we worked in a job that was all about producing fast results then she would be perfect for that environment. But we don't work in that type of job. We work with vulnerable adults in the community who have brain injuries and are learning all over again how to live independently. So while there is an aspect of our job that is about producing fast results. The bigger element is being able to walk this journey with the clients for that holistic care that our company is about. All of us as a team has a different skill background. She has worked in retail jobs and at a gym signing people up. That has tailored her for that production quality. Although she has a degree in psychology her self awareness, listening skills and empathy are really low. Coupled with not having worked in an environment where she has needed to use those skills to help someone through emotional difficulties and working as a team to find solutions to these. From day 1, she has struggled a lot with asking for help, and working as part of a team. She has this view that she should do everything herself and asking for help is weakness. Which makes sense with her need to be in control at all times, needing to be seen as powerful and doing or saying what she needs to ensure everyone sees her in that position.

It's us who are making mistakes. This really is a lesson in boundaries and standing up for myself. The last couple of days when it has just been her and I at work, things have been pretty good. I don't know why, but I noticed that she looked at me differently. I suspect this was me carrying myself differently. Not intimidated or in running mode. But standing taller and being more assertive in my approach. She actually gave me really good and honest feedback on a big project I'm working on for a show we are holding and I think because I am able to be self critical without being dramatic about it, that helped her in being honest with me. I have the ability to look at my work objectively and say, "yea, that's not good enough and this is how I'm thinking of fixing it." She wasn't happy that I will have to change her part on this project drastically to make it work and I don't blame her. But she was open to hearing the reasons why and reviewing what the project is about and how we would lose our message by me trying to cram everything in there. We talked about solutions of how we can get her message across in a way that will actually be more beneficial and heard and she responded well to it. So all in all, that conflict was well handled on both parts and it highlighted to me that I can deal with conflict with her where we both can come to an understanding. And that is because my "expertise" lies in this area.

She does not like to be questioned on her actions or behaviour. One client corrected her when she said me and Alex will do xyz by saying to her " it's Alex and I, not me and Alex". That pissed her off, especially when another client pipped in (he is a joker of the group and was just teasing her). In these situations, because she has the automatic reaction of becoming incredibly defensive, others just back off and go the other way. It's these situations that make it difficult to work with or address the issue without it turning into a full blown argument which has happened before.