Good morning,
I posted for advice regarding my father, and am circling back for more advice. Here is some context:
-- dad left before I was born and never spoke to his family due to severe tension and trauma.
-- spoke to him when I was 11, but only allowed to call from my aunt's house, and my grandma couldn't be there. Pretty awkward for me.
-- I have been trying to contact him for two years. My sister-in-law said he often ignores his phone and mail, so I sent him a text and she told him I was trying to get in touch. Both efforts were not reciprocated.
-- I felt like I could move on and let go, but now it turns out I'm moving to the east coast, and will be a day's drive away from him for the first time in my life (I grew up in California and he's been in Ohio).
-- I am on the OCD/Anxiety spectrum, and when something is fearful to me or has some sort of sentimental layer to it, I will feel obligated and put a heavy burden on myself to keep trying to address it.
-- I am not looking for him to be my father, but I think I'm feeling like I need to speak to him to understand myself more.
So with that said, I haven't been able to let it go consistently, especially with moving to the East coast. As an outsider, this is the feedback I'm hoping to receive:
1) If you are familiar with OCD/ moral scrupulosity, how much of that seems to account for my persistence in contacting him when it scares the sh** out of me?
2) Can you share any journaling techniques or resources to help me clarify what I am feeling and what to do about it?
3) If you think I should let go and just allow him to take initiative, how would I coherently let go when my body and mind isn't letting me?
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I take to heart and respect some of the rigorous feedback I've received in the past.
Ben