I don't know how to start this. I think I will try to make it short...
This post describes my mother with pinpoint accuracy psychcentral[dot]com/lib/11-things-you-absolutely-must-know-about-toxic-people/
My father is a bad guy obsessed with control and power he likes to put people down and control them - he likes them to complete obey him without having anything to say. I've had many issues with him and fights and I eventually did won some freedom and I've observed that after I win a fight with him he does respect that (even if I must go to extreme lenghts for me to do that because naturally I absolutely despise fighting and I preffer logical explanations and I like when people are genuinely listening to what I have to say - I don't mind them disagreeing with me but I just want them to genuinely analyze what I say and then disagree - but he is a total different kind - he only understands brute force and dominance - some sort of animalic way of proving a point). The power he had shifted to me because of my enormous efforts but I didn't even wanted to do this in the first place - I just wanted to get along with him and to have interesting discussions and agree/disagree without having to fight. I like calm people who analyze what I say and then disagree without losing their temper - But he is not at all like that. He has some sensitivity in him and he thinks I'm some highly smart kind of mad weirdo and he thinks that I stress too much about everything and I understand that too because he looks at me from his perspective and way of perceiving things but I perceive things extremely amplified and complete and he just doesn't have the ability to see what I see... But I can see what he sees(Only that, but I can't be how he is). We are not on the same page. We both want to communicate with each other but do not know how and where to find genuinely common ground. I don't hate him because I know he is wondering what's up with me. - He is a good man inside, a sad but caring soul - and on the outside he's a scarred tough but stubborn man - I know he's struggling because he had a harsh life really harsh and worked his donkey off to get a business going starting from he was just 16 going through problems in his family then the 89 revolution and managed from scratch to build one of the top ranking businesses in revenue in our country and I would always see him working. But enough of this. I should concentrate on the issue. Ok, even though he has some really good traits from when I was young he was using some toxic sarcasm on me and he used to publicly insult my mother and I felt horrible for this because I loved my mother and him aswell and as a child I wouldn't understand much. Well my mother herself was very unresponsive and empty or slow? minded - in relationship with him - what I think is that she was and fundamentally still is a sensible introvert while he was cut of different material. this built up over time and my father aggresivity got to her (he was also beating her - they were fighting often when I was just a child). I don't think either of them are fundamentally bad people or were bad from the beginning - my father has some emotional instability issues and short temper and my mother was a sensible and calm introvert - basically he coped by becoming a brute force and she coped by becoming a very malicious toxic and should i say psychopatic wasp - they are so deeply affected by those in my father's case unstable emotions and short temper and my mother some deep fear of him that those unhealthy coping mechanisms became their new personality and it is so sad. they simply cannot snap back to being normal people. my father somehow knows that there is an issue but he has led me to understand that he just doesn't care anymore and just waits for his life to end while working and doing stuff like working on a newly restored apartment and other various things. and I saw her as very loving and extremely calm some times but other times completely absent (this is how i saw her when I was a child - i think when she was absent she was re-living some trauma or just snapped out of reality because of it)., she just lived in a different world and let's just say they loved each other at the very beginning but in h He is also obsessed with order so much that he doesn't care at all about feelings and vibes and such things he simply isn't compatible with this and I percieve him as a very cold person. He is using reason only if it's in his advandage. For example, if we have a logical argument and what I'm explaining him something that he percieves above his reasoning like let's say improve something like how you should properly mount a roof he will not accept that I'm right and do the wrong thing and then undo it and do it again properly but tries every possible alternative option and only after working 4 extra hours doing that he finally admits that I was right
This is not all I have to say and I know it's comletely messy but I have written it so I don't loose the ideas - I usually become ignorant regarding these matters until I get into extreme stress states like now. and try to get some answers (idiotic i know but i'm so damaged and on a normal basis I would just try not to think about this and just try to alleviate the chronic mental pain)
ok so I have managed to quit for good drugs, alcohol and medications and i have isolated myself but this stress is just too extreme i have the sensation that my brain is just frying right now i haven't slept for like 24-26 hours and before this i wasn't getting good sleep either.
ok so now the reason why i came hereo
how can i cope with my mother if she is exactly like the post i've pasted here describes? she just gets me everytime and i don't even know if she is aware of her behaviour - i have tried telling her or pointing towards her behaviour but she doesn't seem to get it... there are very few times when she acts normal but it seems like there is no connection between those two states.- i have became afraid to sleep because i am afraid to relax because i know that if i relax i will let the guard down and she will get me again - just read the post i've pasted here and you will understand what i'm talking about. also i apologize for breaking some forum rules but i am in sever distress and i need some advice