Leo Volont wrote:the 'Assertiveness' People 'assert' about Assertiveness -- that everyone simply loves to be confronted and criticized and put into their proper place.
You have a totally mistaken view of assertiveness, and you've maintained it for years now, so I'll make it simple.
Assertiveness means taking responsibility for your own feelings."When you said/did
that, I felt
this..."
It is not about confrontation, criticism or putting people in their proper place. It is a simple statement of feeling.
Assertiveness is the First Step to Confrontation
No, sir.
Aggression is the first step to confrontation. Perhaps you don't understand the difference.
Assertiveness makes a simple statement about the speaker's
feelings.
Aggressiveness makes an assault, however subtle and well-disguised, on the other person's
character.
It's quite a big difference. I'm surprised you haven't been able to grasp it. ("I'm surprised" is an example of assertiveness.)
it is my Guess that the Whole Assertiveness Movement is not much more than a Marketing Scam designed to make Pushy People feel Justified with their Pushy Behavior.
How can it be pushy to acknowledge your own feelings?
Socially Obnoxious People whose Livelihood Depends Upon Getting Into Other People's Faces, and whom it would be inadvisable to emulate, if one's primary goal is to Get Along with Others.
Calling people "socially obnoxious" is an example of aggressiveness. One's primary goal should be to get along with oneself. One can't get along with
oneself, much less with others, while being afraid of one's feelings. And wearing a fixed smile while seething doesn't get you closer to anybody you want to get along with.
the 'Chick' says "We Need to Talk". Of course, if the Guy really values the Relationship he will submerge his anxieties and reluctances
Isn't this what you advocated in your opening post? The primary cause of misunderstandings; he pretends to be what he's not. He could simply say: "Uh-oh.
When you say that I feel anxious." What's the point of being with someone if you're not yourself in the relationship? How long can the fake hold up?
he will probably do his best to make the Most of what looks like to him a 'Bad Bargain' [but] will definitely take note of the Situation as a huge Strain upon the Relationship and that whole Episode will be Remembered in the "Why I Need To Break Up with This Crazy Chick" Column in His Brain.
Exactly. You've described a relationship in which two people deny their feelings until one of them explodes. How about:
She (aggressive): "You're always watching the bloody football."
(assertive): "When you watch football I feel abandoned."
He (aggressive: "Aw, quit moaning."
(assertive): "Well, I enjoy watching it. What can we do to make you feel better about it?"
Bottom line: you are confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness.