I need some help with my irritability and moodiness

CrazyCatLady182240 wrote:I feel like my irritability and moodiness are the gateway feelings toward anger issues for me. I'm not sure how to control them! I fee like if I ever show anyone that side of me they'll run away in fear. I honestly feel like a monster. It's not a good feeling.

Oh! are you REALLY a Cat Lady? I have 4 cats. Back about a decade ago, when I still had young legs I maintained two Feral Cat Feeding Stations (at the peak I was feeding 15 little wild kitties). I would also catch the kitties if opportunities presented, and take them to an Animal Hospital where they could be Spayed or Neutered (of course tom cats can't have kittens, but Neutering them does settle them down so that they stay in the Territory, and they live a lot longer). I had taken quite a few into my Home, but now, after the years, I am down to just 4 kitties.

Oh, about your problem with irritability and moodiness. Well, thank God you have the kitties. Your Mood would be far worse without them, wouldn't it?

You know, your problem is really quite universal. You know how some people are Locally Famous for being uniformally kind, easy going and friendly. well the Reason for That is that every one else is just like you describe yourself to be... tied up inside irritability and moodiness. People TRY to put on the Best Social Face they can, but under all the pressure and stress of being irritable and moody, well, the façade quite often breaks down and they Lose It in Public. so Anybody who can STAY Pleasant All the Time becomes something of a Local Legend.

My advice is to just start Reading the Books. Anger Management has no easy Over Night fix. I would recommend one book in particular -- "Anger Management" by Peter Favaro. But the books by Ronald Potter-Efron, who has written several, are very good. Oh, I just visiting that Big On Line Retailer of Books and find that there are now a great many New Books that I am unfamiliar with. Well, read the Reviews. the people who write Reviews for Anger Management
Books aren't the kind of people who would hold back on their Feelings. so the books that the reviewers think are Bad are probably bad and the books the Reviewers think are Good are probably Good.

give it a try. Let me know how it goes.

Dear CrazyCatLady182240,
First and foremost, you are not a monster. Nor is your anger, for that matter. It can be easy to view strong emotions, such as rage, as an enemy - an opposing force. Anger is both a tool and a healing mechanism, and can be very beneficial if applied in the proper manner. Viewing your anger as a malicious, separate force, however, can be detrimental - especially if it is leading you to isolate yourself from others, for fear of rejection.
I recommend applying introspection. Consider the situations in which you feel irritable or moody. If there are circumstances when the irritability ebbs, what allowed it to do so? What acts as the trigger? Is there something in specific that makes you irritable? Are there any issues in recent, or late, memory that you can recall a feeling of suppression? Situations in which you would have felt anger but, somehow, were unable to express it? This could be anything from life at home, where you feel like you are "forbidden" from feeling and/or expressing anger, or something as far back as from childhood.
The severity of your anger is also something to take into account. Have you actively acted on your anger? Has it manifested in something which could be dangerous to yourself and/or others? If this is the case, seeking professional aid is highly recommended. Dealing with anger can be a complex issue, especially if it is tied to unseen, unresolved problems.
It could be that your irritability is linked to recent issues, however. Have you been experiencing a lot of stress in your life lately? Have there been any major changes to your physical state, such as diet, sleeping patterns, and exercise? You have to take into account the things which could hold potential influences in your life. Having someone with whom you can confide in is also very important. Someone you trust, to discuss your feelings with. When irritability is "pent up", it can become destructive.
Lastly - please remember, once more: your anger does not make you a monster. Your anger is natural, and there is a source. To master yourself, you must understand yourself - to master your anger, you must understand your anger.
Best wishes to you.

Dear Precious Cat Lover,
Excellent replies...is the irritableness and being moody at things you can change? Because if it's a noun, your gonna have to (like a wave in the ocean) let it pass over you. Anger for me was like waves. I thought Because I rode em it wasn't me with the problem. However, in coming ashore I realize more and more, I don't even have to enter the water if I step back.

Anger is gonna happen, it's how we choose to think ...how we choose to react and what we do...that we have control over. You're gonna have to turn the monster loose for good. I also treated my monster like a pet...careful...it is not your friend, nor can you tame it. Let it go, don't let it return...you'll feel much better.

Hope you understand my goofy analogies . All the best to you.

CrazyCatLady182240 wrote:I feel like my irritability and moodiness are the gateway feelings toward anger issues for me. I'm not sure how to control them! I fee like if I ever show anyone that side of me they'll run away in fear. I honestly feel like a monster. It's not a good feeling.

Why don't you try out some meditation for beginning.
Followed by you can move on to some good eating habits.
Such unusual irritation is due to gut issues so don't worry.

try to overcome your anger by doing things that you love, in that way you'll always be in a good mood. meditate, exercise, eat healthy and love life.

bawdyheated wrote:try to overcome your anger by doing things that you love, in that way you'll always be in a good mood. meditate, exercise, eat healthy and love life.

Dear Bawdy

The thing you need to understand about People with Chronic Anger is that if they had a lot of stuff that they 'love', well, they wouldn't be chronically angry, would they? Chronic Anger is what happens when Frustrations and Disillusionments crowd out all the Sunlight and Sweet Flowers. Perhaps better advice would be "Whatever Path you have chosen for your Life is Obviously the Wrong Road, and so you need to get Off It and go a New Way before you go over a Cliff". But, yes, there are problems with that advice too. Sometimes People are just stuck with the Choices they have already made. But you can't fix that with Love, not once Love is Lost. I think people might just have to learn good old fashioned stoic fortitude.

Leo,

Have to say I'm not sure how "stoic fortitude" can be applied as a remedy for anger and irritability, sounds to me a bit like good old fashioned stiff upper lip type repression of feelings, but hey it's a great phrase.

Just noticed your other post about anger management books. The better ones can indeed be beneficial if the reader takes the trouble to apply the advice to his or her life.

CrazyCatLady, if you can get into the habit of monitoring your thoughts and feelings as they happen you can start to exercise some control over them. I often find myself becoming quite irritable and tempted to open my gob to complain whenever I get stuck behind someone in a checkout queue who for whatever reason holds up the queue and seems oblivious to - or arrogantly unconcerned about - the fact that there's a growing queue behind them.

However if I take a sort of bird's eye view of what's going on in my mind, i.e. thought monitoring, then I can see it for what it is - a completely unnecessary waste of mental energy which would do me more harm than good. At that point I mentally take a step back and quietly begin to breathe slowly and deeply and visualise some tranquil scene and soon I'm wondering what could possibly have been so important about the situation that I was becoming angry about.

It's not an all time psychological cure or a panacea for anger management but it does help!

CrazyCatLady182240 wrote:I feel like my irritability and moodiness are the gateway feelings toward anger issues for me. I'm not sure how to control them!

Perhaps you were not allowed to show valid feelings as a child? That would mean you've trained yourself not to express anger when it's appropriate, because you want to be a 'nice' girl... and then it leaks out in irritability and passive-aggressive remarks.

Have a look at this https://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing-wi ... ructively/ and tell me what you think.

Candid wrote:

CrazyCatLady182240 wrote:I feel like my irritability and moodiness are the gateway feelings toward anger issues for me. I'm not sure how to control them!

Perhaps you were not allowed to show valid feelings as a child? That would mean you've trained yourself not to express anger when it's appropriate, because you want to be a 'nice' girl... and then it leaks out in irritability and passive-aggressive remarks.

Have a look at this https://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing-wi ... ructively/ and tell me what you think.

Dear Candid,

You follow this Forum and so you might remember a while back that Somebody wrote in about how his or her Career prospects were ruined because of an employment history full of Dismissals, and it was because all of his or her Terrible Narrow Minded Bosses and Co-workers weren't high-minded and enlightened enough to benefit from his or her 'appropriate expressions of anger'. Yes, that Poster felt Justified and probably still feels Justified in being 'appropriately belligerent' -- it probably releases tension something like an Orgasm. But is it Really Good Advice if it could ruin one's ability to survive economically and socially? Especially when Anger Management could be utilized to no only quell the Anger but to also sooth the Raw and Oversensitive Nerves of those who feel any 'touch' to be Justified Cause for Appropriate Hostility.

Leo Volont wrote:that Poster felt Justified and probably still feels Justified in being 'appropriately belligerent' -- it probably releases tension something like an Orgasm. But is it Really Good Advice if it could ruin one's ability to survive economically and socially?

Appropriate expression of anger needn't compromise anyone's livelihood, Leo. Assertiveness builds relationships rather than destroying them.

Candid wrote:

Leo Volont wrote:that Poster felt Justified and probably still feels Justified in being 'appropriately belligerent' -- it probably releases tension something like an Orgasm. But is it Really Good Advice if it could ruin one's ability to survive economically and socially?

Appropriate expression of anger needn't compromise anyone's livelihood, Leo. Assertiveness builds relationships rather than destroying them.

Hi Candid,

Yes, I know that THAT is what the 'Assertiveness' People 'assert' about Assertiveness -- that everyone simply loves to be confronted and criticized and put into their proper place. But, you know, there is a REASON why people naturally feel that it is Risky and may see it as being Too Pushy to be 'Assertive'. Indeed, read any Assertiveness Book, and the first Chapters nearly always deal with this 'Assertiveness Is Not Really Bad' Issue. But the Only Reason People THINK that Assertiveness may cause more trouble than it solves is because EXPERIECE teaches them that. Assertiveness is the First Step to Confrontation -- both Logically and Empirically. .

Honestly I don't believe Any Scientific Data is available concerning any Benefits for Assertiveness. It would be difficult to test for, wouldn't it? and so it is my Guess that the Whole Assertiveness Movement is not much more than a Marketing Scam designed to make Pushy People feel Justified with their Pushy Behavior... and for the Professional Development of Salesmen and Lawyers and all of those other Socially Obnoxious People whose Livelihood Depends Upon
Getting Into Other People's Faces, and whom it would be inadvisable to emulate, if one's primary goal is to Get Along with Others.

I can tell you this following Example of what I mean from not just Personal Experience, but I have heard it from other 'Guys' -- that the MOMENT they Hate the Most in a Relationship is when the 'Chick' says "We Need to Talk". Of course, if the Guy really values the Relationship he will submerge his anxieties and reluctances and let the 'Chick' talk, and he will probably do his best to make the Most of what looks like to him a 'Bad Bargain' -- including telling the Chick how 'Helpful' it was to Talk Everything Out. BUT, REALLY, the Guy will definitely take note of the Situation as a huge Strain upon the Relationship and that whole Episode will be Remembered in the "Why I Need To Break Up with This Crazy Chick" Column in His Brain. Indeed, after a few such talks, more than One Guy I've heard about has had the presence of mind to answer back "If We Need To Talk, well, There Is Nothing To Talk About" -- and after that the Only Talk would be about when He would be back to pick up the rest of his Stuff.

Leo Volont wrote:the 'Assertiveness' People 'assert' about Assertiveness -- that everyone simply loves to be confronted and criticized and put into their proper place.

You have a totally mistaken view of assertiveness, and you've maintained it for years now, so I'll make it simple.

Assertiveness means taking responsibility for your own feelings.

"When you said/did that, I felt this..."

It is not about confrontation, criticism or putting people in their proper place. It is a simple statement of feeling.

Assertiveness is the First Step to Confrontation

No, sir. Aggression is the first step to confrontation. Perhaps you don't understand the difference.

Assertiveness makes a simple statement about the speaker's feelings.
Aggressiveness makes an assault, however subtle and well-disguised, on the other person's character.

It's quite a big difference. I'm surprised you haven't been able to grasp it. ("I'm surprised" is an example of assertiveness.)

it is my Guess that the Whole Assertiveness Movement is not much more than a Marketing Scam designed to make Pushy People feel Justified with their Pushy Behavior.

How can it be pushy to acknowledge your own feelings?

Socially Obnoxious People whose Livelihood Depends Upon Getting Into Other People's Faces, and whom it would be inadvisable to emulate, if one's primary goal is to Get Along with Others.

Calling people "socially obnoxious" is an example of aggressiveness. One's primary goal should be to get along with oneself. One can't get along with oneself, much less with others, while being afraid of one's feelings. And wearing a fixed smile while seething doesn't get you closer to anybody you want to get along with.

the 'Chick' says "We Need to Talk". Of course, if the Guy really values the Relationship he will submerge his anxieties and reluctances

Isn't this what you advocated in your opening post? The primary cause of misunderstandings; he pretends to be what he's not. He could simply say: "Uh-oh. When you say that I feel anxious." What's the point of being with someone if you're not yourself in the relationship? How long can the fake hold up?

he will probably do his best to make the Most of what looks like to him a 'Bad Bargain' [but] will definitely take note of the Situation as a huge Strain upon the Relationship and that whole Episode will be Remembered in the "Why I Need To Break Up with This Crazy Chick" Column in His Brain.

Exactly. You've described a relationship in which two people deny their feelings until one of them explodes. How about:

She (aggressive): "You're always watching the bloody football."
(assertive): "When you watch football I feel abandoned."

He (aggressive: "Aw, quit moaning."
(assertive): "Well, I enjoy watching it. What can we do to make you feel better about it?"

Bottom line: you are confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness.

Dear Candid,

The Format you have chosen for this Reply -- 'Quote from Me and Your Comment', then another 'Quote from Me and Your Comment'... and again and again and again ad infinitum.... Well, there is simply no way of answering such a Formatted Post. How could I possibly respond? -- 'Quote, Your Comment, My comment about your comment" and then how could you answer back? 'Quote, your comment, my comment about your comment, and then your comment about my comment regarding your comment about my quote. But Remember that we would have to go through all that for Every Single ' Quote Comment Coupling'. What a Hairy Beast that would turn out to be!

so, you see, I think I should save us both a lot of trouble by remaining silent on This One. but if you can think of a Short Essay, or otherwise, to write which sums up the very essence of what you feel you need to communicate, then, well, of course I will respond to that.

Leo Volont wrote:Well, there is simply no way of answering such a Formatted Post. How could I possibly respond?

Like this:

Candid wrote:You have a totally mistaken view of assertiveness

I find that Hostile and Aggressive. My Primary Concern is to Get On with Other People.

Candid wrote:I'm surprised you haven't been able to grasp it.

If you used More Capital Letters I would have Some Hope of Understanding.

Easy, right?