Help with anger and frustration.

I've got a bit of a problem and I need help. I have a few reasons that I'd like to remain anonymous, and I hope you can help me here.

I have a problem with anger. I'm a very soft-spoken individual, and I really don't like conflict, but over the last year I've been finding myself being overcome with explosive bouts of rage whenever I get really frustrated. I can be quite patient, but after a specific point it's like the flood gates open.

We have a four year old and a two year old, and our four year old has discovered exactly how much he can push. He doesn't do it often, mind you - but when he gets something into his mind, he just won't stop. Last night he decided that he wasn't going to sleep at ~2 AM. But instead of playing quietly(which we allow), he decided that he was going to come and smack me and my wife in the face until we got up. I got up, put him into time out, and when he was done put him back to bed.

We don't really have a lot of space to live in(most of the house is being used for storage by other members of the family), so we all sleep in a partitioned room. As soon as I hit the pillow, he was up again, screaming at the top of his lungs. I tried to calm him down, but he refused, and continued screaming. This got him another time out. I gave him a half hour, and then put him back to bed straight from the time out chair. Deciding again that he wasn't going to sleep and didn't want to play nicely, he decided to get his brother up and started fighting.

I got up to time-out chair again, but at this point I was extremely angry and frustrated. I had tried to get my wife to deal with it, but as usual she refused. When I went to get him, I grabbed him by the arm to lead him over to the time out chair. He resisted, and kicked, and I tightened my grip - I ended up hurting his arm. This is the first time in four years that I have hurt him, so it scared and sickened me. I told my wife, and we've spent all morning fighting about it. She has demanded that I go into anger management, but we have a few legal and financial reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea.

When I explode, I do my best to remove myself from the situation at hand, and give myself time to cool down, but it seems to be working less and less. My wife is stubborn, and when we fight she tends to close her ears and not listen to anything I say. At the end, she has some half-baked excuse like "you weren't explaining it properly.", but the problem is I will often try and vary my explanation to get around that roadblock.

We have some marital issues, which I will admit add to it. I am responsible for almost all the cooking, dishes, laundry, and almost all the cleaning. My wife will replace the garbage bag when I empty it and rarely make desert if she's feeling up to it. I've been trying to get help on this front as well, but it also needs to be outside of the system(for reasons I will discuss later).

I found some FAQ in other posts, and figured it would make it easier on everyone if I answered them here:

Are you eating the right amount of healthy food?
- Yes. We make sure we all get a good variety of fruit, vegetables, grain, dairy and milk. I tend to make a lit of stir-fries, as they are non-intensive on resources.

Are you drinking the right amount of healthy drinks?
- I don't drink alcohol, but I do have a pop a day. It's my splurge, and the only one I'm allowed. I make sure to drink a bottle of water, and everyone has a glass of milk at dinner.

Are you taking the right amount of healthy exercise?
-I spend most of the day chasing the kids around, and I'm responsible for all the yard work and shoveling of snow.

Are you getting a good balance between work, rest and play?
-Hahaha... No. Most of my time is trying to keep up with the house and the kids.

Are you looking after your physical appearance and your living environment?
-I've never really looked after my physical appearence, but I try hard to make sure the house is clean. It's been getting away from me in the last few weeks.

Are you able to forgive past hurts?
-Not really. I grew up with a abbusive stepfather, so I'm very guarded against people.

Are you grateful to people that help your life to be more comfortable?
-Yes, but it tends to cause more stress. I was taught never to accept favors, and we're below min-wage bracket. I've had to do it more then I'd like, and it always causes more stress.

Are you able to trust your intuition?
-Yes.

Are you contributing to your local community?
-We live in a small town, and the only real organizations there are I don't participate in for religous reasons.

Clarification: I wish to remain anonymous because of the state of the family. We have a family member who doesn't agree with us having kids, and has pulled shenanigans in the past. We almost lost both boys to her last year thanks to a bogus legal matter. I don't want to give her ammunition, or be put in that situation again.