anger and paranoia

Hi dazedandconfused

I hope things calmed down for you!

I noticed this in your post "i get angry about things i imagine. but if i don't imagine them i feel as though someone is gonna trip me up or trick me, so i sit stewing. i can't think about anything else.

That seems to show that you are cooking up a lot of anger in your own head, but that you imagine that doing this is somehow going to protect you from "getting tricked". So this is a misuse of your imagination.

Have a read of this article about Worrying. It could give you some ideas about how to use your imagination more effectively.

Kathleen

thanks for your reply. haha! well i calmed down. i then found out that he was out with friends yesterday and this woman was present. again, i flew off the handle, but i took time out then ranted to another friend. when i had calmed down i approached him. what i find difficult about him is that he views people in a certain way in his head and thinks thats okay. as long as he knows which people he likes and trusts and that they know that then its fine. to me its all about actions and i don't tolerate much and if i do i get angry about it inside. a friend has pointed out that this trouble with him is down to me not feeling secure with him; i.e us not showing solidarity and the gap giving trouble makers room to manipulate. i think this is true. i also find it difficult to deal with this man and people in general who don't wear their heart on their sleeve. i distrust them and wonder what is cooking in their heads.

i think my anger problem is linked to paranoia. my father is paranoid and is constantly accusing my mother of having an affair with very dubious evidence, and has had nervous breakdowns. also, i was part raised by my grandmother who was a polish refugee. she had been in poland when the nazis had burst in and taken her and her siblings to work camps. it sounds funny but i have learnt this behaviour from her - i.e not answering doors, distrusting people. she was so paranoid she used to tell us to hide from refuse collectors, not to speak to strange people and made us hide behind the settee when the rent man came! i was also praised for cautious or paranoid behaviour. i know this behaviour is learnt, but its difficult for me to undo, because in some way in my head i feel superior for being like this like "haha! you will never trick me!"

as much as i want to change, i think that if i relinquish my aggression, defensiveness and paranoia then somebody will get me unawares. thats why im scared of changing. i spoke to this man this afternoon and he apologised about his behaviour and i know he is under a lot of stress at the moment. although i tried to speak calmly to him, and thought i was. i was using a lot of aggressive body language, like clenching my fists, staring him out, using saracastic tones and looks and swearing. i think also because of some of my previous behaviours, when i am calm , people think something is bubbling, then accuse me of ranting and raving when i'm not. the accusation makes me defensive and i lash out by abusing people.

my previous partner was angry and hurt by my unprovoked verbal abuse. once i woke up in the morning and said to him " i f**king hate you, you t**t, you annoy me...." sometimes this abuse comes out of nowhere and is something ive learnt from my father, as shouting and calling each other names was common practice in our house. much of the time its a gut reaction.

i called a co-worker 'a f**king pervert ' the other day. i thought i was joking, but it was a comment that upset him over the weekend. i didn't even remember saying it! people think a lot of me, i know this and put up with a lot of this behaviour, because generally i am a good person to be around. but i feel bad because i subject people to these behaviours.

how can i break the cycle of paranoia, aggression and abuse, without feeling i am compromising myself?

Well, it seems like you have some insight into where it all comes from! Looks like the models you had when you were young were perhaps not of the best, although acting like this gives you the illusion (and it is an illusion) that no one can "get you unawares". I'm curious about the expression "get you". If somebody "got you", what exactly would have happened?

Anyway, in spite of that dubious benefit, you are not too happy about how your life is going with this behaviour, and would like to change, but would not like to compromise yourself.

Which bit do you think you would like to start on? Paranoia? Aggression? Abuse? or "staying uncompromised"?

Kathleen

well now look- i'm heart broken and angry- it happened. for the four days he didn't see me- he was off with her.

he says that he thought i wasn't interested as i had tried to cool it with him and told him to think about what was going on as i know he has been massively stressed lately. he said in two days he had talked himself out of it and thought that i wasn't really into him anyway. and there was she, putting it on a plate so he went ahead. he says they haven't had sex but they have been intimate. the idea makes me physically sick. i feel like ive been shot through the heart. he told me yesterday. i asked him why he didn't ask me how i felt, he's saying we should have communicated better. but he clams up when i want to talk to him and says i'm stressing him or pressuring him. now look what has happened. the most hurtful thing is he has been lying and its with her, someone he has slagged off to me before and someone he knows i hate. he couldn't have tried to hurt me more. he says his opinion of her has changed and shes not that bad and he knows hes been stupid and hes sorry and he knows i am the better person and i don't deserve any of it and i have been so good to him. this is how i am repaid. i feel such a fool, and i am so angry because i thought i could trust him and what's more, it hapened because i was trying to be considerate and give him space. see? i was right, i knew it, and everybody told me not to worry that i was being silly...

i don't think i can talk to him or this woman again. i have made it clear if he thinks anything of me, then he will tell this woman where to get off. and if he chosses this woman then i won't have any kind of relationship with him. but he is so weak i don't think he will tell her. this whole thing is so hurtful to me.

Well, I'm no expert on all of this--I came in here because of my own anger management problem, then recognized your user ID from another forum, though I can't remember where.

Having read through the sequence of events up until the point at which he actually did go off with the, er, flirtatious woman; I have to confess that it sort of seemed to me that he was about to do this from the very beginning, and that your jealousy in this case was not really paranoia. It was jealousy based on a legitimate perception as to what was actually happening.

After all, it did happen.

So, I think possibly your self-esteem could be raised around this, in that you did correctly identify what was happening. Probably the anger was a more-or-less desperate defense against your own internal and half-conscious recognition of powerlessness in the situation. The only reason I suggest that is because I have found that when I have an angry outburst, it is usually because I feel powerless over some situation I cannot control and yet do not believe I should have to accept. I then burst out in anger as if hoping against hope that the person will have compassion on me and change his or her mind, seeing how much it has upset me. But in reality, all that ever happens is that it makes them want to get away from me even more. So the anger I exhibit works entirely against me.

Anyway, I hope your husband comes to his senses. Men have certainly been known to think the grass is always greener, until they really find out what's out there on the other side of that particular fence.