agh. i just found this forum whilst searching the net.
i'm in a rage right now and i'm slamming my fingers down on the keyboard as i type this. i'm paranoid and i sit and imagine things, all sorts of things that aren't there; then of course one of these things is bound to come true, so i feel vindicated.
i'm angry about this.. there is this man i like whom i think is lovely and trustworthy and we get on well and its going good. theres a girl who is just a tart and puts it on a plate and is persistent and works in porno, who is after my man.
hes not interested really. shes an idiot and not his type, but she is an acquaintaince of his and he says shes nice enough and he has done a few favours for her. we all post on an internet forum. i have been looking at the index for hours watching her user name and him sending private messages to each other. he shows me some of these messages and she makes the odd jealous comment about me calling me a bitch and a trouble stirrer. which he shows me because he thought i would find it funny.
i don't. i then go mad and start verbally abusing him etc . which i now think has made him stop showing me. i have just seen a post now where she has posted something about him zapping something onto her mp3 player , this song he likes and going on about something hes also told me, about his friend playing on this song. thats what i'm angry about.
i am fuming. i think she put it there to get at me and i am thinking "oh yeah...how did it get onto her ipod? was he with her" i know he went to friends last night, now i'm imagining hes lying about it and was with her or she was there or they might meet up etc.. and i'm fuming.
i know in my head shes a slapper, he wouldn't go out with her, ( i hope) he finds her distasteful but he still thinks shes okay to talk to and is polite and friendly. she takes this the wrong way and sends him emails telling him he is gorgeous and if only i wasn't there she could talk to me all night..etc... i feel as though shes rubbing my face in it and i'm probably gonna flip next time i get in contact with him. i don't want to as paranoia and pressure and jealousy were the reasons hes split with his ex. its very early days and i don't want to push him away. but i won't stand for this! i hate her. i start ranting about her, really nasty stuff at the mention of her name.
i also disturb this man by being very placid one minute and the next waving my arms around ranting and raving. i slapped one of my male friends the other day and he still hasn't spoken to me yet. and have hit friends in paranoid rages before where i am convinced of something and when somebody denies it i call them a liar. i know i need to stop being so aggressive, people have told me to stop being over critical and abusive but i can't . my paranoia doesn't help. because i get angry about things i imagine. but if i don't imagine them i feel as though someone is gonna trip me up or trick me, so i sit stewing. i can't think about anything else.
what can i do? shall i tell him? ask him to make it clear about me? aarrgghh!!