desperate788 wrote:I would like that more than anything leave all this tax crap move to istanbul and start a new life..[...] Even thinking about it excites me.
Way to go, desperate!!
But I'm unmotivated and lacking bravery to do that. I feel like I wouldn't be able to escape this job forever..kinda stuck.
Unmotivated? Nonsense. You just said you "would like that more than anything" and "thinking about it excites me." There's your motivation, right there. You
want to go. The thought
excites you. That's called motivation. The only other kind is pain. Pain motivates people to escape pain.
From where I'm sitting, it's painful to stay where you are.
I agree with you about "lacking bravery". That much is evident in your posts. But guess what? You don't acquire bravery by telling yourself and other people that you're too scared to move, too scared to change, too scared even to say hello to strangers.
No, my friend, the only way to acquire bravery is to do the things that scare you. Remember what I said about public speaking? It's scary for most people. But when you do it, feeling terrified... afterwards you feel great. The "I feel great!" is as big if not bigger than the fear you had beforehand.
You showed bravery when you said hello to three people earlier this week. If you hadn't been scared, saying "hello" wouldn't be a brave act. Do you get what I'm saying? Bravery doesn't come from sticking to what feels safe; it comes from doing small things that scare you, and continuing to do them -- as well as even scarier things -- until you can look back and wonder what you were scared of.
Here are two scenarios:
1) You stick with the tax office until you're too old to work any more or they get rid of you. By that time both parents are dead, and you've never challenged yourself in any way, so every day you've become more scared, more crazy, more alone.
2) You move back to Istanbul, as soon as you possibly can, and can immediately tell yourself: "I did it! I was scared, but I did it anyway!" Then you have family, people who care about you, more bustle outside your home, a new therapist you can stick with, unlimited job possibilities.
One is predictable and most likely getting worse as the years pass. The other is only partially predictable -- and that's a
good thing.