anxiety getting worse

My mother won't help

Did anything in particular happen about a month ago, when this started?

Otherwise the only thing I can suggest is that you cut your caffeine consumption as much as you can without it being too much of a shock to the system. Caffeine (in all kinds of things as well as coffee) is the likeliest culprit in anxiety.

Candid wrote:Did anything in particular happen about a month ago, when this started?

Oh yeah, hearing that your father was so ill. That put all kinds of pressure on you via your mother, didn't it?

My father is said to be very sick I may subconsciously be concerned about this. My mother hired a woman to help her deal with my father. But there is still pressure on her. Caffeine anxiety effects temporary isn't it? For hours. At days I take nearly zero caffeine and still anxious like hell. I take enormous amounts at night as form of green tea.

This is a time when you could show yourself you're a hero, by doing something drastic: taking leave from the job you hate, and going to help your mother. She may have a woman to help her, and that's obviously a good thing, but I'm sure she must be needing the kind of emotional support she could only get from you.

Facing up to your worst nightmare -- going back to your father's home, with all that entails -- could be a way of busting through the misery that's been plaguing you for years. You would show yourself you're the better man.

I'm sorry if that puts pressure on you... but you seem to be very conflicted right now. Naturally you always have the choice to ignore my opinions.

There's such a thing as caffeine allergy http://www.doctoryourself.com/caffeine_allergy.html that makes you much more sensitive to the effects of caffeine, which can include anything up to paranoid delusions. You acquire caffeine allergy by using too much of the stuff at any time. After that, the least smidgeon of it sends you for a loop and stays in your system for much longer than it would in the average consumer. It's actually a major problem.

I suffer with you in this. I know I have caffeine allergy, find it hard to avoid, and don't know how I'd get out of bed without that first cup to look forward to. Green tea (which I don't like) is not as bad, but it's still bad -- especially in large quantities.

Have a good look at that link when you have time for it, then maybe you and I could start a thread in the Addictions forum.

Going back to father's house unacceptable. Things that have been done to me at that house..dramatic. I'm sure how sick he is doesn't matter he will abuse me anyways. Caffeine thing confusing I'm drinking tons of green tea thinking it cures me but it contains caffeine. Better reduce the amount.

Leaving work early anxiety added to list.

Green tea supposed to cure anxiety but it contains caffeine. I'm totally confused to brew another green tea now..

desperate788 wrote:Going back to father's house unacceptable. Things that have been done to me at that house..dramatic. I'm sure how sick he is doesn't matter he will abuse me anyways.

So when he's gone, you'll remember -- for the rest of your life -- that he was more powerful than you are, and that fact can never be changed. If you were to go to this sick old man and be helpful, you would know you've finally become "bigger" than he is. At the very least, you could focus on comforting your mother and showing you're not scared of him any more. I don't mean showing him or your mother, I mean showing yourself.

Caffeine thing confusing I'm drinking tons of green tea thinking it cures me but it contains caffeine. Better reduce the amount.

With the intention of giving it up altogether, yes. I know caffeine makes me jittery. Have you noticed that yourself?

Are you serious about going home? Leave all beyond and live with my mother. I'm sure he will abuse my comfort.
about caffeine it may increase anxiety but I'm not sure. It's certain that it disrupts sleeping .

I see nightmares about it I go to istanbul and can't come back somehow..

Know what? I think that would be a good thing. I don't see why you would worry about not being able to get back to where you are now -- because where you are now feels horrible. Am I right?.

You don't like your job; you worry about it incessantly. You've told me that ultimately you want to live in Istanbul, where you have relatives -- and perhaps a few people who remember you from your school days. From your own account you have no one where you are, apart from the people at work, all of whom you dislike. You also have nothing -- except the horrible job that provides enough money for you to go on being miserable.

Seems to me, now is the perfect time to move back to Istanbul -- and stay there. More personal contacts, more therapists and doctors of all kinds, more job opportunities.

If you have the money to survive a month in Istanbul without an income, why not take a chance?

I would like that more than anything leave all this tax crap move to istanbul and start a new life..But I'm unmotivated and lacking bravery to do that. Even thinking about it excites me. I feel like I wouldn't be able to escape this job forever..kinda stuck.

desperate788 wrote:I would like that more than anything leave all this tax crap move to istanbul and start a new life..[...] Even thinking about it excites me.

Way to go, desperate!!

But I'm unmotivated and lacking bravery to do that. I feel like I wouldn't be able to escape this job forever..kinda stuck.

Unmotivated? Nonsense. You just said you "would like that more than anything" and "thinking about it excites me." There's your motivation, right there. You want to go. The thought excites you. That's called motivation. The only other kind is pain. Pain motivates people to escape pain.

From where I'm sitting, it's painful to stay where you are.

I agree with you about "lacking bravery". That much is evident in your posts. But guess what? You don't acquire bravery by telling yourself and other people that you're too scared to move, too scared to change, too scared even to say hello to strangers.

No, my friend, the only way to acquire bravery is to do the things that scare you. Remember what I said about public speaking? It's scary for most people. But when you do it, feeling terrified... afterwards you feel great. The "I feel great!" is as big if not bigger than the fear you had beforehand.

You showed bravery when you said hello to three people earlier this week. If you hadn't been scared, saying "hello" wouldn't be a brave act. Do you get what I'm saying? Bravery doesn't come from sticking to what feels safe; it comes from doing small things that scare you, and continuing to do them -- as well as even scarier things -- until you can look back and wonder what you were scared of.

Here are two scenarios:
1) You stick with the tax office until you're too old to work any more or they get rid of you. By that time both parents are dead, and you've never challenged yourself in any way, so every day you've become more scared, more crazy, more alone.
2) You move back to Istanbul, as soon as you possibly can, and can immediately tell yourself: "I did it! I was scared, but I did it anyway!" Then you have family, people who care about you, more bustle outside your home, a new therapist you can stick with, unlimited job possibilities.

One is predictable and most likely getting worse as the years pass. The other is only partially predictable -- and that's a good thing.