I hate my mother and i just want to hurt her feelings.

weseosi wrote:but i needed more than just her coming to clean for me and cook for me

What exactly do you need from your mother?

... but it seems like that's what she thinks what being a good mother is about... I did confront her before...but whatever she says just made me extra angry.....

What is she saying when you confront her?

Can you tell a little bit more about the relationship between you and your mother?

Roady wrote:

weseosi wrote:but i needed more than just her coming to clean for me and cook for me

What exactly do you need from your mother?

... but it seems like that's what she thinks what being a good mother is about... I did confront her before...but whatever she says just made me extra angry.....

What is she saying when you confront her?

Can you tell a little bit more about the relationship between you and your mother?

I don't know exactly what i want from my mother... because i never really experienced the normal mother daughter bond that everyone seemed to have while growing up... In fact i have zero memories of hanging out with her, or having any conversations about my school, my life and nothing really. All i remember is how she worked hard to provide for us and how she gave up on a lot of things for us... Really my life before 18 was a blur to me.. I don't know if it's normal or not.. but i freak out whenever i think about how i don't have those memories....

And when i confronted her before, all she said was that she worked really hard to make sure that we had a good life and after a few times, she just says that "you are right, i am a horrible mother... i meant to raise you better and now i am making you suffering...." which made me extra angry....

The relationship between my mother and I has been worse since I moved back home about a year ago. Before, i didnt really have the chance because i was living in another country and we barely see each other... But whenever i see her, i get upset because i know something's off when she's with me.. she is very careful with me and she is probably scared to say certain things and mostly i hate myself for it. Because i know life has been hard on her and she gave up a lot for me and my brother... but i just cant seem to be patient and to nice to her...

Yours is not normal anger, is it? Are you ever just Angry in General? I wonder how old you are. Do you have Work Place Anger? Are you ever angry with your friends?. Were you angry in your school days? If not and if you are only having this One Problem with Extreme Feeling about and toward your Mother, then, that is why I do not think this is normal garden variety Anger.

I wish I had an idea of how old you are. You see, if you are Becoming an Adult you may have Feelings that you are Turning Out Just Like Your Mother and THAT is what is bothering you. Your Mother may be the Reflection of all the Doubts and Insecurities you harbour in regards to yourself. Stuff like That is quite common. Parents and Siblings Touch a Raw Nerve with many of us. I suppose the best way to handle It is to admit that it is NOT Them – the Craziness is from Within Ourselves. We simply have to learn to Keep Our Mouths Shut and Be Respectful. This is harder to do with Siblings, especially since they may have something Crazy in their own Heads about Us. But Parents are just Parents. Especially daughters… they have this Weird Thing with their Mothers in their Teen years and as Young Adults and then when they hit Thirtysomething or whatever, suddenly Mom becomes Okay again…. Well she never changed. It’s just way Daughters relate to their Mothers.

So, anyway, don’t encourage the Craziness. Don’t indulge the drama of it. For instance, talking about your history of abuse and all, well, wasn’t that all about drama. The Past is past, let it go, and try to live like you aren’t trying to ‘wow’ some invisible audience somewhere. Just try to be Normal and Fit In. If you want to Stand Out for anything, it certainly isn’t for any of that Unpleasantness from the Past you were speaking about.

But, please tell us more about yourself, that is, your Present Life and Circumstances. We hardly know what we are dealing with. Thank you, and I hope I haven’t stepped over any lines. Let me know what you think.

First of all, thank you very much for the reply. Really appreciate it.
I am not an angry person, but then again who doesn't have temper. But with my mom, it's different. I don't know what is it. She makes me feel very insecure and whenever i am mean to her, i hate myself even more. I am not trying to encourage the craziness at all. I am just really confused and don't know what to do or how to deal with this anger towards her... I wasn't abused growing up or anything,,,The thing is i never really had the weird phase as a teenager back then.. because she was never available for me to talk to her about things..let alone to start an argument with her that's so bad at the time that lead to my anger now... I am 26 years old now. I have been living on my own and mostly abroad since I turned 18. This is my first time that i spent this long with my family in the same country. I don't blame them.. it's just whenever i think about my mom and the absence of the memories of my childhood with her... i get soooo angry and i start to associate all of the bad things that happened to me with her not being there for me... We barely talk about anything when we are together.. She wouldn't understand what i am going through in life... even though i try to make her understand... and this is my part of problem too, because i get so impatient with her, i always end up getting angry. I do realize that i can't change another person's way of life or thinking... because people are just who they are and that I should be the one to change if i want to feel better about my life. I get that. It's just when it comes to my mom, i still care what she thinks about me and want her to know what's going on with me.. but it just seems that she won't ever get the idea that i need her still.... I need her to be there for me and tell me that things are going to be ok or give me advices on my life choices and such... I dont know anymore.. I am actually in the process of moving away to another country right now. But it just seems so pointless after today... it doesn't matter where i move... all this guilt that built up from being mean to her for the past year or so ... and the fact that i am more f***ed up than before i moved back...nothing's worth it anymore...

Also if it helps, I am Korean, my culture is not so big on showing feeling and emotions... While growing up, we moved around a lot from country to country. And by the time they settled here, I was 18. And I decided to move away from them to live on my own. The reason I moved back here is because I really wanted to be with them for at least a year or two, I mean they are not getting any younger, and I wanted to build more good memories with them. Because i feel like i missed out on a lot of things while I wasn't with them.. Particularly, once my mom had a surgery( wasn't a big one) but i had no idea about it until the end of the year when we gathered for new year celebration....It made me feel like sh**.. I really wanted to build a better relationship with them and to make up for all the things that I missed out on... But it turns out that I caused more harm to my mother and myself....

Dear Weseosi,

I am so sorry that I mentioned 'abuse' -- I read so many Posts that apparently I got you mixed up with somebody else... I should be more organized. Thank you for not being offended, and for tolerating my mistakes.

yes, thank you so much for the details you have provided. It gives me a far better idea of who you are. Oh, I sort of know a bit about Korea. In the 1970's I was an American Peace Corps Volunteer and taught English in Middle Schools, to boys. I was the Only American in a Small Town, and necessarily made a lot of friends and Important Personal Contacts. Then, in the 1980's I visited Korea again, this time as a Soldier. I was able to speak a little bit of Hanguk Mal (Korean Language for others who may be following this Thread) but I mostly forgot it all, except when I am in some little Korean Restaurant or Convenience Store and suddenly it comes back to me. As far as Nations go, Korea is sort of my Home Away from Home. Beautiful Country and I greatly respect the People. Oh, and I think the Culture influenced me a bit. After spending so much time in Korea I often don't see quite Eye to Eye with other Brits and Americans in regards to Life and World Views.

But, Back To You.... it seems your Greatest Problem is Guilt... you are ashamed of acting So Badly toward your Mother. I think Americans are far more Understanding of this kind of Friction between a Parent and a Grown Adult 'Child'... it is kind of Understood that "Parents Drive Us Crazy".... at least through our Twenties and Mid Thirties, and then the Adult Psychology seems to undergo a change. Have you heard the British-American Expression "Life Begins at 40"... maybe Koreans have a similar Concept and Saying... certainly Koreans have a Notion that Age Confers Wisdom. By the Time Adults 'hit' 40, they can begin to see their Parents without the Distortions and Delusions of whatever Craziness had possessed them when they were younger.

So, I would advise that You Go Easy On Yourself. This Craziness is just a Passing Phase... though it may take years to pass, but Still, it is NOT an Intrinsic Part of Yourself.

The REAL YOU is the One that is So Sensible in your Posts. You are a Fine Persona and a Very Respectful Daughter, or THAT is what you WANT TO BE. All of your INTENTIONS are Perfectly Admirable. Only you sort of Can't Help It that you are Crazy when you are WITH your Mother.

anyway, when you DO relocate, don't dwell on the Fact that your BEHAVIOR was Sort of Crazy while you were still with your mother. Think Instead of how you WISHED THE Whole Time that you had been More Respectful. You know, the Way I learned a Great Deal of Korean Culture and Was Influenced and Changed by It, well, in this Case American Culture might have Something to Offer you -- the Idea that Young Adults Simply Can't Think Straight About their Parents. Americans Forgive themselves for it, and look forward to Getting a Bit Older when that Insanity will just naturally disperse the in the same way that a Morning Fog burns off by 9 o'clock...

Good Luck and you take care of yourself. I am over 60 and so you should listen to me!