How can I "turn down" my level of anger expression?

Dear Rose,

Yes, you do have a problem. The first thing we have to tackle for you is Damage Control. There is something I tell all new couples, from the Anger Management Perspective, and that is that there are some things that you can say which will simply just poison the Well of domestic good feelings forever. You know how they say ‘sometimes you can’t un-ring the bell’. There are some things you can say to a man which will catch in their mind and forever after cause a distance between him and yourself. So, dear Goodness Gracious, think about what you said to your significant other and discern whether or not is one of those drastic and unforgivable kinds of things, and if it were, well, pull out all the stops and cry and be abject, drop on the ground and grovel, but make every atonement that will be perceived by him as being far past the same level of the offense. If you insulted him seriously, now is no time to scruple over your pride and self esteem, not if you love him. To make him Forgive the Unforgivable will certainly be no easy task, and will take all the strength and fortitude you can muster.

When you get that cleared up, then we can move onto your recurrent problems with chronic anger. Let me take a guess, but you sound as though you are an ‘only child’. People who grew up as ‘Only Childs’ see themselves as the Center of the Universe, and it frustrates them no end when other people do not treat them that way. Now, I used to have the same tendencies, but I was not an only child; I was a twin and got caught up in the Competitive Spirit and expected everybody show me signs of approval for everything I did so that I could validate myself. Anyway, over emphasizing yourself when interacting with others simply is not rational behavior. Of course we should expect that other people will be thinking and acting primarily from their own point of view, and we must be willing to accept that. Really, why should anybody care about you, unless it is their job to care about you, and then, well, it’s just a job, isn’t it? So, really, in dealing with other people, you have to remind yourself constantly that, unless they are absolute Saints, they will be thinking about themselves and how what you communicate to them effects them. If you matter to them at all, it is in regards to how keeping up good relations with you will affect their own lives. You might think that such a Belief is terribly jaded, but, well, isn’t that just the way you have been regarding other people – referencing it all in regards to how it all effects yourself? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is a bit counterproductive. To put it in a provincial way, if you want people to be Good Dogs, then you have to throw them a bone once in a while.

Now for the English translation of the above homey saying: To effectively communicate with people in order to get the kind of responses that you would desire and approve of, well, you have to think of something they want and give it to them. Praise and Flattery can go a long way, and costs you nothing. Or when asking for favors from people, you can promise to return the favor someday. In situations where you know that you are simply imposing on people’s good nature and that they can expect nothing but work and trouble from you, then you can honestly acknowledge that – “There is no reason on God’s Green Earth why you should do me such and such a favor, but I would be most grateful if you did, blah, blah, blah”.

Once you get your Self Centered Perspective more or less under control, then your anger management concerns will involve simply getting away from all of your behavioral bad habits – the peevish looks you give people, for instance. Oh, and watch your language. Nothing drags a person down into negativity faster than the use of indelicate language. It sounds sexist to tell you to be a ‘perfect lady’, but I would tell any man the same thing, that if they have a problem with anger, then the solution is not to be ‘one of the guys’ but to act like a ‘Perfect Lady’. Men can be expected to get into squabbles of honor once in a while, but Perfect Ladies always maintain their decorum.

Oh, you must start reading the books. Read something daily, to keep your head always in The Game. Search up the Anger Management books available On Line, and you can pick the best one’s for you by checking on how they are reviewed.

Anyway, is that enough advice for today. If you find you need any more advice, then please let me know. I am only too glad to help.

Hi, Leo.
I'm definitely working on damage control. It's difficult for me to judge the situation in terms of "forgivable" or "unforgivable," but as I said I've never seen him so upset, so that's what I judging by. I hope it's forgivable. I don't think what I said was really the problem so much as the context and the expression. I said that something was his fault when it was not, and I said it harshly. I shouldn't even have been annoyed about it, let alone gotten snappy, but I did. (I didn't swear at him or call him a name.) He's right to be upset about it, which I've acknowledged to him, but he just shook his head. I don't know what else to say to him. Better if it just doesn't happen again.

I'm not an only child, but my brother is quite a bit older. (The school councilors seemed to think I was angry due to my parents getting divorced, though I was never sure that was the whole reason.)

I know I need to change my bad habits, but therein lies the difficulty. Clearly, what I've done to change them so far hasn't been effective enough.

Hello Rose,
Anger can be constructive. Your just using your anger the wrong way. Keep it honest. For example, "Ive been feeling angry and I'd like to talk about it", is honest and non threatening and invites solution. Ignoring, stifling, supressing, or pretending your not angry is dishonest. Another form of dishonesty while being angry is exaggeration. "Nobody does anything around here but me" or " You never listen to what I say". Such generalizations are untrue and aggravate and polarize, guaranteeing the problem gets obscured and goes unsolved.
Another form on non constructive anger is blaming "If you would arrive on time I wouldn't have to nag". This form only angers others, gets your anger escalated .and never produces the result you want.
While being constructively angry keep it non-lethal. Don't use your words as a weapon or control mechanism. It's okay to express your emotions in a healthy way, but keep them in check. Your goal must be to solve a problem, and strengthen the relationship, not "sound off" and wound the other person. Is this easy to do? No. You'll need a good strong dose of grace to do it. Words spoken in self-righteousness wound people, sometimes permenantly. Anger handled properly never needs to be repented of.
LEARN HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THE ANGER YOU FEEL AND THE WORDS THAT ARE SPOKEN.
Anger, carefully thought through, can reveal important information about needed changes. Focus on that. Also, keep your anger current, deal with it quickly. Strong anger in your hard drive only hurts you. When you download old resentments you start to rehearse them and grow bitter. Don't passively allow time to decide your options or sit around hoping the other person will see the light and apologize. Try to resolve it and resolve the relationship.
When you get angry keep it solution focused. By seeking to gain the upper hand you both lose. By seeking to save and strengthen the relationship you both win. So when you speak be sure it's helpful for building others up according to their needs. Don't bring up previously confessed offenses, don't drag other people into it, don't bring up unrelated things to cloud the issue and keep you from finding a solution. Don't raise the volume in order to intimidate or manipulate.

We are made with the capacity for anger because, when handled the right way, it's the fuel that brings needed change.
Regards McCain

TheRose wrote:Hi, Leo.
... It's difficult for me to judge the situation in terms of "forgivable" or "unforgivable," but as I said I've never seen him so upset, so that's what I judging by. I hope it's forgivable. I don't think what I said was really the problem so much as the context and the expression. I said that something was his fault when it was not, and I said it harshly....

I though more about the Forgivable/Unforgiveable equation. To be Unforgiveable it would have to go to the very reason why there was Love – it would have to Kill the Love out of the relationship. What kind of things commonly do that? Well, usually it is pointed and very harsh insults – effectively telling a man that he is not a man – that would do it. But what you did was to assign blame. You know, if the terrible thing that happened could create enough anxiety and guilt, then a Man might come to feel unworthy. He might actually come to believe that you are RIGHT, and that rather than not being able to Forgive you, he might find it impossible to forgive himself. Hmmmm, I hadn’t thought of that until now.

Men seem so simple most of the time but they can become complicated creatures, no?

So, yes, do make sure that he doesn’t go off into self-exile. You may have to get other friends and family to insist on this point with you, to give some support to the idea that you are just not ‘saying it’ to fix the situation. Oh, of course that is provided that the circumstances aren’t entirely too private, even for close friends and family to discuss.

Hello, Rose.

I understand your sudden rage and desperation when things like this run out of control and burns into your head, but I believe for different reasons. That's why I'm not so sure if I'm going to be able to help you.
One main thing we need to have on our head is about...who deserves anger. Your significant other, you love him, don't you? I bet he loves you too. So, think about it. Don't we need to be angry and feel hatred for those who doesn't want a good moment for us? It definitely doesn't want to harm you in any way. Ah! Now we have something in common. Jokes tended to make me burst out into a demon at school time and do really really bad things as promise to kill everyone until the end of the year. Today I think about that and laugh...because they didn't deserve my worry that much. Think about it, jokes and "low words" aren't a new gateway to a new life. They won't change your life since you hear it through one ear and let it go through the other.

As for things that really need your worry and sometimes your high temper, try to hold yourself more, because if you let all the anger fill you, life won't go easy on you. Life is long, there are many more moments like that to come , so...store some of the anger for more important moments. Always think like that.