Someone tell me to JUST GO EAT SOMETHING, STUPID!

Okay, so I ate! That's for sure! In fact I binged like a maniac. And I almost never binge. It all started with some black olives (I LOVE black olives.) Then on to bagels with cream cheese (three of them! And not the small kind!) Then almonds and dark chocolate. I'd just taken my meds beforehand so I couldn't purge.

Today I fasted. (I had half a banana with my evening meds for something on my stomach- one med says to eat something with it. ) I feel great. I have a small headache but I think that's bc I haven't drank enough. I just don't feel thirsty.

I guess I'll be having this conversation with myself. Just like in the real world, it feels like I'm the only person dealing with this crap. It's such a lonely, secretive way to live.

Today I'm supposed to weigh in at my appointment. I'm 80% sure I'll refuse. Yesterday was a failure with food. I fasted until noon, and then ate normally. And then ate, again. A bowl of cereal. Which I promptly "unate." Repeated three more times (not always with cereal) until I lost most of my gag reflex. It's been a long time since I've purged that much in one day.

A day of eating and purging like that almost always results in a pound of weight gain. Whoever believes purging helps to lose weight is seriously misguided! All it does for me is suck every last drop of energy out of my body, make my face beet red for the next day or two, makes my throat sore, gives me constipation leading to laxative abuse, gives me dehydration headaches, and just generally makes me feel like a LOSER FREAK.

Well, hello, Self!
Today was a good day! Ate normally- probably a solid 1800 cals. (Though did put on the brakes at 6 PM- HUGE bad thing to eat after 6.) No purging, barely a thought. I did self harm this morning. Used scissors to nip a vein. I suppose that curbed the impulse to focus on food stuff.

Also, saw my NP, today. She's awesome. Always makes me feel better. I don't know how. She just does.
Night!

PS This repeated posting is producing an awful lot of images of me over and over and over. Not sure how I feel about that.

PSS There. I changed it. Tired of looking at my ugly mug! LOL! The butterfly is much nicer.

Hi,

that is allright hun that you are talking to yourself I feel like that sometimes on this forum

I sort of may know how you feel. Since I am on effexor the side effect is loss of appetite, the worst /or a good ? /thing is that I like it... not to the point I would starve myself but I would not eat todays lunch for example if it wasnt my parents... then I keep exercising, and sometimes I feel I have more appetite after that..

I would weigh myslef too but luckily no scales

I eat actually after six... but only a little cause I would not fall asleep and you?

Maybe it would be good if you were not fasting too much but I am sometimes like that cause I cannot eat in the morning.

Yay! Another human being on my thread!
You've been a member here for a long time!

For how long have you been on Effexor? Does it work? I was on it for a couple of years- it was probably the best drug I've taken for depression. And then it stopped working for some reason. I'd love it if one of my meds made me not want to eat! Not that that's a "good" thing, like you said, but it would help get me out of this purging cycle. I used to be on Zyprexa which made me ravenously hungry all the time. Not good.

I do actually have a lot of trouble sleeping. I take an Rx sleep aid and that only gets me a few hours of sleep. I have this pathological assumption that eating before bed is the worst thing on the planet in terms of gaining weight. Sounds inane, I know. But most of my eating habits make no sense whatsoever. I do wonder if it would help me sleep, now that you mention it. ? Sometimes I drink a glass of water and that seems to help. But then I'm up to pee constantly.

And I agree- the fasting just makes things harder.

But here I am, planning to fast today. Der. I had a bunch of friends over yesterday and I ate way too much junk food. I love my friends more than anything AND they're a bad influence on my calorie intake!

Do you consider yourself to have an eating disorder?

How long have you been on Zyprexa? And what did you take it for? How are you feeling without them?

The antipsychotics cause that your brain does not get the message about your stomach being full fast enough.I have a bad experience with them . I was wrongly prescribed them for my H withdrawal but that is a long story.


The Effexor is working well now, been only like 3 weeks on it though, the first week was really euphoric and I could not sleep, so I thought I had a manic response to it, but now it seems to be calming down. I dont suffer from depression actually, was given that for my anxiety.

The banana is not enough before you go to bed in fact if you take it on empty stomach it may be a bit sickly with the meds... but that is just me maybe.

There is nothing wrong with eating after six if you eat more often during the day and smaller portions... but you know this already : D

I suffer from terrible insomnia, in fact it only started improving this week. I only get like 3/4 hou sleep what is not enough.

If you cannot sleep I swear on warm milk with honey before you go to bed and you can have your banana with it if you want... both rich in tritophan. Honest,take it from an ex junkie and a heavy insomniac who sometimes spent all night staring into the ceiling and went without sleep for 4 days...

And no I dont have eating disorder eventhough I understand as a moderator you may have needed to point at it,

Just became a bit obsessed with healthy food, unfortunately me spending money on sh*** like H caused that sometimes I have to eat what I have available in my fridge and if it is something unhealty, sometimes I rather wont have anything.

Good advice if you drink a 3 dcl of whater prior to your dinner it should stop you from any overeating. Do you mind telling me a bit more about what do you mean by purging because I am a lazy bum tonight and dont fancy going through your 1400 posts

Stella you may never loose wait healthily by dieting, I think with the reduction diet it means to cut down you food by 25 percent and increase you physical exertion by 25... How do you do it??

Miriam

Hey there Hypoxora,

Insomnia sux!

Oh I'm not a moderator. I'm an "MVP." I guess bc I've posted a lot and sometimes it's been helpful for others. I like people and it's positive for me to try and help. I just asked if you have an ED out of curiousity. (I can be a bit nosey!)

And to answer your question, "purging" for me is a nice way to say vomitting. I make myself throw up. Not advisable!

I know this probably will sound ludicrious - but I'm not dieting. I actually don't want to be a skinny waif. I don't want people to notice me for my weight, whether that be thin or chunky. (I've been hovering around bmi of 21) I just want to be "normal." Any time my weight fluctuates, I feel like I'm deviating from "normal." So if I lose five pounds in a week, I don't want to know because then I'll obsess about how I shouldn't be losing weight. And the same if I gain five pounds. The weight loss/gain is a measure of how in control I am. Control is the name of the game.

I'm someone who self injures, since I was a kid. And Eating Disorders fall within that category, of self injury. At least, that's what I understand. What my therapists have told me.

Zyprexa was Rx'd for impulse control, regarding the purging and self injuring behavior, as well as suicidality. I get intrusive thoughts of suicide and supposedly that helps quiet the head noise. My NP said she felt it was working well for me. All I noticed was that I couldn't stop eating! My brain was DEFINETELY not getting the right message there! You're right about that!

Can you take a sleep aid? Dyphenhydramine (Benedryl) is recommended off label as a sleep aid. I take Varlerian Root capsules, sometimes, which also ease muscle aches. I guess you need to check with the doc to see if they'd interact with your med. I can't remember from when I was on Effexor.

I could take my bedtime meds with warm skim milk. I'll try that! (I had a terrible night's sleep last night, despite 1 mg Ativan.)

"H" as in heroine? I've never traveled that path and surely don't want to from the awful stories I've heard!
Congrats to you on your recovery!

dear, I think you MVP is well deserved, it actually sounds like my Mitral Valve Prolapse


Hey I sometimes could not even sleep after Ambien or other sleep meds, and then when you really dont get quality sleep and you had taken your sleeping pill you must feel awful. At least when I did and did not sleep I was so fatigued next day, my attention and congnitive functioning went right down and it was even worse than the sleep deprivation itself .

I had a bad night too, eventhough I had some milk but than I have PMS too.. Apparently with that condition I should gave up diery products I am so confused have to ask our expert Juri for and advice I think

I wish I had Activan but I cannot ..In fact I am tappering off Trazodone in a short term is even worse than benzos in my view.

I am feeling very exhausted now and the stupid Trazodone makes my jaw tense, this is why I started to be annoyed with the pharmaceutical industry .. the side effects of the meds and especially the antipsychotics but if you feel it works for you that is important I guess anything what helps...

So purging is cleaning.... cleaning from what..... , maybe a change in your thinking would help you with NLP. I know I am the last to tell you that, because I am disgusted with myself.. you know how angry am I with myself for doing drugs.... I would deserve a kick in the backside and worse but I know if I harmed myself I would not be able to make up for the lost time and fix the situation I am in... so just a food for thought...

If you want to be ´´normal´´ the best way should be eat normally I guess but I know that is easier said than done, is like if you told me Miriam go to bed and sleep, would love to but cannot.

hypoxora wrote:dear, I think you MVP is well deserved, it actually sounds like my Mitral Valve Prolapse

hypoxora wrote:...have to ask our expert Juri for and advice I think

You're too funny!

hypoxora wrote:I wish I had Activan but I cannot ..In fact I am tappering off Trazodone in a short term is even worse than benzos in my view. ... I am feeling very exhausted now and the stupid Trazodone makes my jaw tense, this is why I started to be annoyed with the pharmaceutical industry .. the side effects of the meds and especially the antipsychotics ...

It's too bad the Ativan won't work for you. I tried Trazodone and had a horrible reaction. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest! I can't deal with the side effects of most meds. I've trialed SO many different meds. The phamaceutical industry is nothing more than big business. They want to sell their product... sell sell sell. I catch the drug reps talking to folks at my clinic and you should see, they're like used care salesmen! It's absurd!

hypoxora wrote:So purging is cleaning.... cleaning from what..... , :

Cleaning? No, no. Purging is throwing up food, vomitting, puking. You know, what you do when you're sick to your stomach. I guess you could call it cleaning- cleaning out my stomach!

hypoxora wrote:If you want to be ´´normal´´ the best way should be eat normally I guess but I know that is easier said than done, is like if you told me Miriam go to bed and sleep, would love to but cannot.:

Exactly. I often wake up in the morning and make a pact with myself. "Today I'm going to eat well." I'll run down a list of what I'll have for each meal and what snacks I can choose from. I often start out on the right foot with breakfast. I'll have a protein, a fruit, and a carb, and a glass of water. (Although I do wait until I'm starving hungry.) And then after that, it can go in any direction. I might not eat at all. I might eat what I planned and then purge after eating. I might eat too much, and then purge. I might eat well! It's so unpredictable. It's really as if someone else is behind the wheel.

I'm sorry to see you beat yourself up for your past drug problems. Maybe you could focus on what a great obstacle you overcame and succeeded. Millions of people have drug addictions and never overcome them. You did!

Today is vitals day (weigh in) and I'm torn as to whether I should refuse. I know I've lost a few pounds. I also know I've been warned I'm going to have lab work done if I keep losing. Which has always proven to be totally unecessary. And I hate lab work. I almost wonder if it's a sort of threat/method to keep me up. Bc even at my lowest my lab work is within the normal range. (Well, once my billirubin levels were high, but I was have gallstone issues at the time.)

I made a grilled ham and cheese for breakfast and had a few bites, have been picking at it once in while. But now it's soggy and cold. :p

Well, I weighed in (the nurse gave me the evil eye when she saw me hesitate.) I've lost weight and so my NP ordered labs. Can I call it or what?

I hate labs. It's the only time I have to really expose my scars to someone. It's humiliating.


(Later) Potssium levels and kidney function "marginal." Not so bad. Not the end of the world, which is what I figured.

Oh I got it with the purging now but in the dictionary I found it meaning to clean or purify, shall we say that by trying to make yourself sick you would purify yourself? Do you consider yourself to be pretty?
I could get Benadryl without the prescription in UK not over here but it does not work for me much unless I went few days without sleep.
Activan is a benzo isnt iit? Oh that would work great for me,,,

Trazadone is a sh***, did it give you any face numbness? I am thinking if it the Effexor or Trazadone.

The pharma business is evil what they are doing the just legalize the illegal. As soon as I tapper off Trazadone, I ma tappering of Effexor too, I decreased my sexual desire and obviously I cannot have that.

Just remember dont deprive yoruself of a good regular food - the basic human need, we both already deprivee ourself of sleep and that is a biological need too.

hypoxora wrote:shall we say that by trying to make yourself sick you would purify yourself? .

Yes, that would be fair to say. When I eat and feel the food in my stomach, it feels wrong. When I purge, I feel much better. And I suppose one could call it purifying, in a twisted sort of way.

hypoxora wrote:Do you consider yourself to be pretty?.

Pretty. Hmmm, not particularly, but not ugly, either. I don't have any outlandish weird features, like a big nose with a wart on the end or anything. Just an average looking white woman, brown hair blue eyes "W.A.S.P."ish. I think I have charisma, so people respond to me as though I'm attractive. But just face value, average. I don't have a problem with the way I look, if that's what you're wondering.

hypoxora wrote:I could get Benadryl but it does not work for me much unless I went few days without sleep.
Activan is a benzo isnt iit? Oh that would work great for me,,,.

I've heard that Benedryl can do that- have the opposite effect and amps a person up instead of putting them to sleep. Bummer.
Ativan- yup, it's a benzodiazapine (or however it's spelled!) Relaxes some kind of neurons in the brain or something like that. I used to have an anxiety disorder and it completely cured it. Unfortunately, it's addictive- chemically and emotionally- so I use it with caution and the lowest dose possible. Also, one side effect is it can increase depression. Which is absurd but I think true.

hypoxora wrote:Trazadone is a sh***, did it give you any face numbness? I am thinking if it the Effexor or Trazadone. .

Hey! The med I'm on now gives me numbness. Lamictal. About half an hour after I take it, mostly my tongue and mouth area. I guess that's a neurological side effect. Kind of freaky. I didn't get it with either Effexor nor Trazadone.

hypoxora wrote:...dont deprive yoruself of a good regular food - the basic human need, we both already deprivee ourself of sleep and that is a biological need too.

Certainly that's sound advice! But how????

Today, I think I'll fast.
But I'm wavering on the idea. I need to be concretely SURE I'll fast all day.
Otherwise I'll end up eating and then having to purge. And also, if I'm wavering, the temptation to eat will absolutely consume my thoughts.
I'm trying to avoid purging.
I'll refuse to weigh in this week. That will help me not fixate so much on food.