I think ive been putting off posting this for awhile as im worried what the outcome will be. I cant really talk to people in my life about this because i just dont want them to know. I need serious advice because i dont know what to do. This might be a long post so buckle in. 100 percent honest because i need serious advice.
Ill start off by saying that i deeply love my boyfriend, he has helped me grow in alot of ways. His always been there for me, he usually makes me very happy and we have fun together. Weve been together for 2.5 years, we now live together aswell. Both in early 20s.
Despite all this, we do have some very rough times and i dont know what to do. He has been physical with me multiple times. Not in the sense that he has beaten me and left bruises but he has pushed, shoved, kicked, grabbed me by the throat, bitten, pinned me down and grabbed me by the jaw all on seperate occasions. I dont think he would ever 'hit' me but honesty im not 100 percent confident it would never escalate to that. I think id have to do something very bad for that to happen. Now im not 100 percent innocent either, ive slapped, kicked and shoved him aswell in fights but not near enough the amount of times he has.
Now im a pretty tough girl, i usually fight back as i grew up with a brother who used to give me alot of sh**. However it got to the point i asked my boyfriend to go get some help managing his anger because he cant keep doing this to me, i feel too disrespected like he just doesnt care for me at all. He agreed and went to go get some help. Things were good for months after his therapy. He was alot calmer, less emotional rage.
Tonight was a bad night though. It all started out with my boyfriend saying he didnt want me to message a certain male friend of mine because he really does not like him. The reason he doesnt like him is because he believes my friend has not been the best of friend to me and it annoys my bf that im still talking to the friend. I will admit the friend has his downfalls but his still okay to talk too. It makes my bf think that im pathetic. My bf got mad about it and grabbed my phone and blocked this friend of mine and then msged the friend from his phone telling him to never contact me again otherwise he will come after him. I dont like how my boyfriend controlled this situation but i guess i can understand his concern.
We started fighting and he said i was pathetic for still talking to him. We faught some more and he said if we ever broke up he would throw me out and throw my stuff of the balcony. Mind you, we split all bills and rent so i believe its completely unfair that my bf thinks he can do this.
I got pretty upset about this and went into the other room. I started thinking about it and it made me feel like he just doesnt care.(When my boyfriend gets mad he gets very cold pretty much everything he feels for you seems like it is gone). The more i thought about it the madder i got. I wanted to show him how it felt (immature i know) so i went to grab his keyboard to throw it out the window. He stopped me before i even touched it and grabbed me very aggressively and pushed me into the room then pushed me down on the bed and said stay in there you crazy bitch. He did it so aggressively i was scared i seriously thought this was it his going to beat me. My adrenaline was pumping thankfully he didnt he just walked out after he said that and i had a panic attack because i was so worked up. I was shaking alot and crying. He stood there and watched me. His very cold. I dont like that he becomes so emotionless and cold when we fight. When i cry he is pretty much numb to it. I try not to cry snd rather talk abou it but this time i was seriously scared so i had a panic attack which made me cry.
I just dont know. Is this normal? When we dont fight we are perfect. I wish he was more caring and less cold like the fact he said he would throw all my stuff of the balcony like i mean nothing to him really hurt me. It worries me.