Advice Needed

WhatIs_87 wrote:Would that change your response?

Ever heard of answer shopping?

It is like when a person doesn’t hear the answer they want so they reformulate or ask another person hoping to get the predetermined answer they want.

Sales people do this all the time except for a different purpose.

You want someone to say it is a good idea for you to have a conversation with this neighbor 6 years after the insult.

It isn’t.

I do not care how you slice it or what other person you ask or how you reformulate...it is a bad idea. There is no putting lipstick on the pig here.

Another way to look at this situation is that you are playing chess and only looking at a single move. You are not looking at other possible outcomes or multiple moves into the future. It is all about the one move that you desperately want to make, that you keep mulling over in your head over and over and over.

No. This fantasy that you will find some sort of relief or redemption by bringing up a slight from six years ago is exactly that. It is a fantasy you have created in your head that does not take into account the reality. It doesn’t take into account the counterfactuals, the more likely scenarios that will play out.

In your head the conversation is pleasant and you get it off your chest. This man feels however he feels, but ideally he feels some sort of empathy or realizes how this slight must have hurt for you to carry it for so long. In your fantasy it is a sort of moment of peace, of redemption, of forgiveness, of acceptance and the world moves forward a better place.

Reality is that the best case scenario is he placates you to your face. He is a bit dumfounded, but in a polite way he allows you to air your feelings. He then goes and literally feels sorry for you for being such a weak, spineless person and he tells his wife, his coworkers, and other neighbors how after six years you carried this guilt over a slight.

After all...you have firm evidence he is a bully. Even a person that is not a bully will have a hard time not being amazed at how incredibly thin skinned you are to be caring around a non issue for six years! It will be a story to tell for sure. It will be one of those things that you just can’t keep to yourself.

Your short lived relief will turn sour as you watch the whispers. People will say in hush voices, “Yep, that’s him...yep, six years....can you believe six years...crazy right?”

Just shut your mouth. Let it go. Move on with life.

Whatever repair work you need to do you need to do with confidentiality of some sort. Do it with your therapist or a priest. Do with a confidant. DO NOT involve your neighbor. As I said in my first response. It is not your neighbors problem. It is 100% YOUR problem, so for #$%^ sake leave your neighbor alone. Stop dragging your neighbor into your personal issues.

Nothing you say will “change options” that include involving your neighbor. Stop answer shopping. Get to work.

Thanks for the response Richard. Your exhortation is aimed at a position that I am not taking. Just going through my process to gain precision and insight while understanding myself.

WhatIs_87 wrote:Thanks for the response Richard. Your exhortation is aimed at a position that I am not taking.

Then I must not be reading what you are saying correctly. Or you are not understanding what I am saying. I grant my narrative of how things will play out is not written in stone. It is a narrative about a likely or potential future if you move forward with the following...

WhatIs_87 wrote:Let's say I modified my options between letting go within myself, or then talking with the other individual, not to confront them, but simply to be open about the hurt that his words caused me, and how I was still trying to process and let them go?

I don't see how my exhortation is aimed at a position you are not taking. The above seems like a pretty clear position that involves your neighbor.

Leave your neighbor alone.

I could have been clearer: I meant the premise that I am looking for a reason to confront him. I actually stated the opposite and meant it!

Okay, fair enough. I acknowledge my confusion about what you are wanting to do or not do with your neighbor. Things can get turned around.

Bottom line, leave your neighbor out of it. If that is your intention, terrific. That's a solid approach.

Well I think these issues can be so convoluted, and I am especially talented at making them so

On many occasions I have tried to let go (in many many contexts), but found that something in me so pervasively held onto doing *insert scary action here* that I was compelled to finally give into it. And the reprieve wasn't temporary, but long lasting. That is part of the reason why I rephrase, clarify, and modify some of my perspectives: it is my attempt to provide as much clarity to the people who put in the time to advise me, while also trying to make sure I am being as truthful and transparent with myself.

But, as you said, these incessant needs to approach other people can create all sorts of awkward scenarios, and do not lend themselves to a healthy lifestyle where I play the "Do you remember" game with others who are less than acquaintences. It's an ongoing battle that I am trying my best to figure out.

Also, after your initial post, I asked for resources regarding your statements on "perception of honor" and rebuilding my focus to task that are productive. I just wanted to circle back to that and ask if you could point me to some material. Thanks Richard!

WhatIs_87 wrote:Also, after your initial post, I asked for resources regarding your statements on "perception of honor" and rebuilding my focus to task that are productive. I just wanted to circle back to that and ask if you could point me to some material. Thanks Richard!

What resources do you currently use to focus? You have made it through life without creating a to-do-list, without using any sort of resources to organize your mind, to plan your day, to set and achieve your goals?

If you are looking to refresh a decent book is "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. I'm generally not a fan of pop self-help books, but it might be a decent resource for you.

Mindtools might be another decent website resource.

As for the "perception of honor" issue I think it is just a way to distract from being productive. It is a way you have used for years to self-handicap your productivity. If you need a resource look into articles on managing regret.

Overall you seem to have a solid grasp of the situation and appear to be capable. It just seems you are using the "perception of honor" as a self imposed barrier. It is like saying I can't possibly apply for employment until I clean my room. Every positive task I distract myself and procrastinate by pointing back to my dirty room.

I guess "made it through life" is one way of summarizing my narrative. I spent all my adult years in a more fundamentalist group, and picked up many many bad habits in regards to how to make decisions, especially when the air tight doctrines were in conjunction with my anxiety // OCD. I picked up bad habits and in major respects became a worse version of myself.

When I referenced the pursuit of liberation in recent history, I was making a veiled reference to my church background. We were taught to not trust our hearts because the heart was "desperately wicked above all other things," and to seek out the will and wisdom of God so we could "make decisions on faith." These foundational pieces inspired me to often negate my own instincts and intuitions, and slave drive myself into figuring out God's "perfect plan" before making a decision. I feel in many ways that I am undoing some of these habits and learning how to make empowered decisions. Confronting people that I've had past associations with has been a part of that.. it almost feels like I am creating a new template for how I perceive myself and go about making decisions, and I think one of the major learning curves at this stage of my life (being 31), is to tolerate ambiguity and accept consequences. Thus, when you ask me "how have I gone about moving through life until the present moment," my response is "not in any way that I would wish to repeat ever again-- I really want alternatives." My 20s was spent in hell, and I feel in the present moment as if I stepped outside of a time capsule and am learning how to acclimate to a new world with different premises.

By the way, how dare you accuse me of distracting myself from being productive. I had to close my Starcraft 2 tab just to respond to you

Well, I hope you were able to construct enough pylons before you closed the tab.

If negative outcomes have you questioning core beliefs, then useful resources will most likely include alternatives. Remember disengage and replace.

If a fundamentalist group's beliefs resulted in bad outcomes it doesn't mean you become a lone wolf. You still need a pack. Explore. Look for other groups that seem to be more aligned with the direction you wish to head. Look for role models within those groups. Look for mentors.

WhatIs_87 wrote:Let's say I modified my options between letting go within myself, or then talking with the other individual, not to confront them, but simply to be open about the hurt that his words caused me, and how I was still trying to process and let them go? What if the purpose of me discussing with him wasn't to get him to say agreeable sentiments and express remorse, but rather to feel the empowerment of knowing that I brought it up with the individual in the first place? Would that change your response?

Are we talking about the six-year-old comment that your mother was an old woman who should be in a nursing home? Pff. To me, anyone more than 10 years older than I am is old. I've always felt that way. Naturally as I chalk up another decade, my definition of 'old' changes.

Your neighbour can't control his kid noise any more than you can. It stresses him out, too. He let you know he considers your mother an old woman who should for her own sake no longer be living where the people around her are more active. I wouldn't say nursing home, but a retirement village might be perfect.

I think what I'm struggling with here, is that indeed a good part of my psyche believes that there are more important things to take care of, and I should feel up my headspace and time with those things, but another part of my psyche believes this to be false, and is so far keeping me from letting it go, even though it causes tremendous distress and I WANT to let it go.

These contradictions crop up all the time. They're a good thing. They mean you have to make a choice about how you want to see yourself and your world: wise enough to have understanding and tolerance in your repertoire, or a victim of others who are just getting on with things.

If a crack about your mother stung so badly, I'm surprised there haven't been at least half a dozen further blows in six years.

Last night I watched The Railway Man, based on the autobiography of a Japanese POW. Watching it would surely give you a new perspective on your own battles.